Today, on Winter Solstice 2023, the thought came that it is a comfort to know what I want...even if I can't have it. Maybe it's the woo of how my podcast system turned up the past life regression podcast (my stance is: eh. Maybe! Fun to speculate.) and the pagan podcast (there was a lot of stuff about houses and astrology and stuff which I've never been able to follow particularly well. It's the math of metaphysics and *flaps hands at it dismissively*) in succession.
N is with me today and we dropped L off for her last day of school. Cleaned out her cubby and then headed home. He wanted to go to the park. I went along because I feel like even though truancy officers in Anchorage truly either don't exist or don't give a fuck really, it would be better to have an adult there.
Watching the sun rise over snowy mountains on solstice while thinking about the turning of the seasons and him barreling down the hill of snow he made was pretty lovely.
Things are...okayish? I feel like I'm sleepwalking a little. 10 of cups this morning. Today is going to be all right.
I don't feel totally ready for Christmas, but I'll get there probably.
There's been a lot of DEAL WITH THE UNDERLYING CAUSE messaging lately. Which is good advice generally. But a lot goes into dealing with underlying causes. And I am only good at select parts of that.
There exists a certain feeling in my chest at times (like now) where I feel like I have slipped into an adjacent plane of sensation. Where I can almost touch what I desire (to be seen; loved; heard; regarded; celebrated; the nuts and bolts of those certain things I miss), where it feels to me like if I could just will it a little harder it would happen. Akin to that scene in Toy Story where Buzz Lightyear still thinks he can fly and jumps off the banister. But there is a hand on my shoulder. It brings me back to reality (an often wonderful reality). No, it says.
This is your life. Live it. This is the road. Here. These are the tasks. These are what must be gotten through. And also don't just get through them. Be present. Be mindful that the mundane is the sacred. Do the next right thing, eat the elephant, etc. Acknowledge the feeling.
Which is so helpful, actually! Try it! Are you feeling some type of way? Do you have an inner monologue? Acknowledge the feeling. "I am uncomfortable." "I don't want to do this." "I wish this were different." "I feel nervous!" "I don't want to be here." Whatever it is! There's an instant feeling of relief. I almost promise. Kind of like calling your best friend and venting about something. Do it.
And hey: happy Solstice. The tide of darkness is turning. Cuddle up with someone(s) you love and hav a hot beverage and watch a Hogfather. You've earned it. 💓
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