Working on my ABS

There's a line from Glengarry Glen Ross: "Always be closing." They're salesmen and that's generally good advice if you're a salesman, I guess. I somehow conflate that with the phrase, "Always be selling." and consolidate that to the acronym ABS in my head. There was one co-worker I used to have at Sbux, and she was pretty great so we all got into the habit of being very complimentary towards her (think things like, "I like your hair!" "G is so great - they're so good with customers!" "You don't even have to ask, G already did it!") - as you do. But she liked to talk about how she wished she were fit (she already was), and was one of the very few people who actually made samples during her shift. So I started having the recurring thought that I should say, "G's always working on her abs, to be honest - because she always be sampling!" (if the opportunity arose), and then explaining the tangential connection to Glengarry Glen Ross. And although the opportunity did arise many many times over the course of over a year, I never did. Why? Lack of executive function, probably. And anyway, that's one of the reasons I suspect I have some form of attention deficit.

Sleep has been alternating between ~7 hours per night and ~9 hours per night, but about every other day I wake up between 3 and 4 AM. Fun times!

L's school is cancelled today, because of freezing rain and ice. This is the...third snow day of the year? Which means they'll want to extend the school year. Safety first and all that, but you'd think there'd be a contingency plan in place. Like, a learning from home day. But also: we have an enormous backlog of homework to anyway. So maybe I shut my mouth and we just work on that.

Today is my designated "work from home" day, so school being out has disrupted approximately nothing, which is nice, and I went to Costco yesterday so we're pretty well set on food and that.

Lately L's been going through some things that make me remember how tough it was to be seven. I'm glad she feels comfortable enough to tell me when she's sad and what she's sad about. The self-doubt is real (as in: should we have switched schools?). And I hope I'm right. And I hope she understands someday. And I hope it doesn't all have to blow up as a result of national politics. But it might. 

Anyway. Seven. Hard.

Not a Good Timeline

Do you remember that cheesy SciFi show from the 90s? Sliders? They'd use a wormhole to travel between parallel universes/timelines trying to make it "home", which I guess would have been Bush's America in the 1990s. Anyway. Do you ever think about switching timelines? How nice it would be to slide from one to the next?

Because this is not a good timeline; Renee Good, Alex Pretti. Oh, and everyone else and everything else that's happening. It is ridiculous that the situation is playing out via True Crime Rules (horrible things happen to people everyday but nobody seems to give two shits until the white parent of three gets killed or the white ICU nurse gets killed). Truly no recourse would ever be enough to make up for all that's happened. And it's hard to feel hopeful. And yet, I hope for safety.

Things that don't matter, but oh well the questions from last time:

• Why are you so afraid of hearing "no"?
• Probably because I feel like it undermines my sense of worth. 
• Even if you feel like you're the only one working on your environment most of the time, what, exactly, is so bad about that?
• Not that much, I guess. The main problem is that I'll never really be able to catch up because even if it were all I did, following the mess around like a human Roomba, (it feels like) nobody else picks up after themselves and it's super-disheartening. This also just doesn't feel like a big problem today. Not with world events being what they are. Until they create sensory overload layered atop the Big Things we're all thinking about.
• Is it time to think seriously about moving somewhere else (this winter has been rough)?
• Yes. More and more and more and more it feels like leaving the country is the only option. It's all very well to talk about staying and trying to organically change systems...but that only works if the systems work. And, at the moment, I'm not so sure there will even be midterm elections, much less elections further out than that.

In the interim I'm just trying furiously to do the things coming at me next and drag my gaze a little further into the future depression or no. Like: apply for graduation (bitter laugh), schedule and attend the c-section class, do the homework, make sure the kid is fed and loved, get sleep, research passports, fold the clothes, bathe, eat a food group every two hours so you don't cry, drag your ass to Costco; schedule the playdates, etc.

Snow is blanketing the city again; coffee is not doing its job; my cat is. Time to fold the aforementioned clothes and start edging my way towards the inpatient psychiatric hospital site. <3

Blah Blah Blah a Rose By Any Other Name, etc.

Okay, so I'm likely going to delete this once the name has been determined because it feels way too specific and identifying, but I wanted to put all the Head Stuff about naming the kid here because the brain isn't braining. The factors are:
1) AFAB
2) single-syllable last name starting with a Y
3) two middle names which I've already figured out because her sister has two and god forbid she feel left out, y'know? Okay.

Amethyst
Pros: I've never met one and so have no negative connotations; it's the name of a character in Steven Universe that I dig 
Cons: it seems like a roundabout way of naming someone Crystal; do I love gemstones that much? Not really, but gems and jewelry-making are in the family zeitgeist, so...maybe?

Virginia
Pros: family name; it seems a little less likely these days that the virgin teasing will ensue; three syllables, and goes pretty well with my extant child's name; Ginny is a cute nickname and I never meet little Jenny's anymore so - potentially unique
Cons: the state thing; there's a y sound within the last syllable which makes it medium-high on the awkward-with-surname scale (AWSS); like, it does mean virgin which is...not the greatest

Vesper
Pros: it's pretty; I've never met one; means evening star or evening prayer which is...fine
Cons: I'm pretty sure there's a Bond Girl named Vesper something; <3 syllables; S and L both say it "sounds like a boy name" although that factoid could just as well belong under pros

Eliza
Pros: easy; 3 syllables; there's already kind of a running gag where one set of grandparents call the kid "Betty" and that would make more sense with this name without going full Elizabeth; uh...Eliza Schuyler from Hamilton, I guess?
Cons: I know a few people with this name and while I don't have negative connotations per se it's also pretty close to Liz, Elizabeth, and Elsbeth none of which I feel like I can fuck with, honestly; it means "pledged to God" (kind of a big commitment to lay on an infant - no thanks)

Coraline (the front-runner as of 1/17/26)
Pros: 3 syllables; have never met anyone named Coraline (yet! I'm pretty sure it's on the upswing, though) the movie is a staple at my house with all the kids; L and S both have fairly to very positive opinions of the name; Cora and Coral are both potential nicknames that are pretty alright; it means "coral" which is pretty innocuous, really
Cons: Neil Gaiman is a terrible person and while I consider the movie to be separate from the book and, ergo, the author I'm sure most people don't; the issue with it getting confused for Caroline - although, probably not in Alaska judging by the sheer amount of Coraline costumes I saw at the Fall Festival this year; all the subtext (and overt text!) with the plot of the movie itself...although she's a pretty badass heroine as far as those things go 🤷

Illuminata/Illuminada/Lumina
Pros: >3 syllables; the built-in nickname is cute as hell (Lumi!); have never met anyone named any of those variations; they all have meanings similar to "filled with light" which is nice - but perhaps a lot to lay on a kid; very Catholic, so it fits in with the in-laws (although they seem pretty nonplussed by it)
Cons: the immediate connotation with the first two variations is illuminati. So...yup; nobody else really seems to like it, just me - although should it matter all that much? Everyone's lucky I'm not naming her Chappell Damn Roan; one of two names on this list that are derived from one of my favorite video games

Athena
Pros: 3 syllables; literally a Classic; if you're going to name your kid after a goddess she's probably the one to go with
Cons: It's just not a "fuck yes!", you know? And I have some strong head-canon around it being kind of a rich white-hippie name; wow, Clara, judgmental much?

Augustina
Pros: >3 syllables; a family name (ish...from the way-back); means "majestic", which kind of goes with my existing kid's name...uh...sort of; have only ever met one kid named Augustina and she was a baby at the time, so I don't have many negative associations
Cons: Maybe it's because it starts with an A, but I just...don't know? Maybe she'll pop out and look like an Augustina and that'll be that; nobody has reacted to it whatsoever - positively or negatively

Louisa
Pros: 3 syllables; this probably belongs under both pros and cons, but it means "renowned warrior"; has a bit of a latin feel and reminds me of Luisa from Encanto
Cons: We had a goat named Louise, which is pretty close; it's also giving middle-aged British lady digging in her garden in Devon or some such who ends up being the murderer in a Miss Marple

Rowena
Pros: 3 syllables; have never met one; pretty positive meaning - unfortunately nothing to do with rowan trees, however
Cons: I would want it pronounced row-ENN-ah and don't know how intuitive that would be - for me even; apparently there are Harry Potter associations which I don't love

Merida
Pros: L suggested this one at one point and I kind of like it; the Brave thing, obviously; doesn't seem to have a relationship to the "bitter" meaning that seems to haunt most variations on Mary; is, apparently, a city in Mexico so somewhat culturally appropriate
Cons: I'm not super-compelled by it; although a badass heroine, still a Disney name and that's going to give people the wrong impression (i.e., that I wish upon a star like that, which I don't)

Rosamund
Pros: kind of Shakespearean but not as oversaturated as, say, Juliet; I like Rosamund Pike alright - she's Moiraine in Wheel of Time as well as the Gone Girl in Gone Girl; a great-grandparent is named Rose so that's pretty close; L could call her "Rosie" which she's recently said she wants to do
Cons: I'm not sure how to pronounce it and neither will most other people, probably; invites the nickname "Roz" which makes me think of Frasier but probably her peers will think of The Wild Robot which isn't altogether a bad thing I suppose

Hela (Helena?Helene?)
Pros: have only met one Helena and she was pretty groovy and went by Peaches; S has been adamant that the only name he likes is Hela which is a preference at least I guess; I super-enjoyed the one professor I had named Helene
Cons: Hela is a Marvel character and also the actual deadass goddess of death in Norse mythology none of which is bad per se but certainly something to think about; Hela does not go with the last name it's awkward as hell (see what I did there?); the only pronunciation of Helene that truly like is the French one and it's going to be pretty damn hard to enforce that; Helena, Montana 

Satia
Pros: have never met & etc
Cons: another video game name; Turkish in origin (not bad, but nobody is at all Turkish at least according to 23andme); it's giving sativa - which is something to think about, especially in Alaska; nobody will know how to pronounce it; once they do, it's a bit awkward with the last name due to the "y" sound in the last phoneme; means "truthful, virtuous" which is kind of a lot to put on a kid

Sabine
Pros: have never met & etc
Cons: again with the pronunciation and the French (which I like, but is it user-friendly? Do I care? These are the questions.); Seven Brides for Seven Brothers has kind of ruined the whole concept of the Sabine women for me and even if not - does anyone really want a history lesson for a name? And even if they do, a history lesson about abduction and rape, though?; otherwise it's just the name of group of people from a very specific region of Italy that, yes, I probably am distantly related to, but...

Aravis
Pros: I think it's just a badass name; and an underrated Chronicles of Narnia character - way more likable than most of 'em
Cons: It's the name of a mountain range and has no further meaning attached; nobody will know how to pronounce it (again); I'm not a super-C.S. Lewis-y person at this point in my life and naming my child Aravis would probably suggest otherwise

Gisele
Pros: a family name, kinda
Cons: apparently the way I would want to pronounce it is incorrect (I like GUY-sell, but everyone else in the world uses a soft g); it means "hostage", I think?; S has said he doesn't know how to pronounce it and doesn't want to learn so there's that

Victoria
Pros: it's really easy - Victoria? Everyone knows her; potential for Tori as a nickname (this is a little 90s, however); it just means "victorious" which is pretty unobjectionable; Tori Amos
Cons: Queen Victoria; I have known at least two people with this name and, although I liked both of them, I just...don't know?; invites the nickname "Vicky" which gives me the ick; it was allegedly fairly popular in 2024

Peregrine
Pros: I feel like Peregrine as a girl's name would be pretty badass; I would call her Perry the Platypus - is that bullying? Maybe; other nicknames seem to include Pippa and Pippin; means pilgrim or traveler which I don't personally think is negative or burdensome, but...; if I'm going to name one kid after an animal I may as well name the second one after an animal too 🤣
Cons: evidently seen as uppity in Britain; I always forget LOTR's Pippin's long name is actually Peregrine, but that's not such a bad thing in Alaska but also, copy and paste my concerns about Aravis; the falcon, although this might be more neutral than negative 

Talula
Pros: Goes with L's name a bit; the right number of syllables; there's a Tori Amos song by that name
Cons: A bit twee; fairly popular; there's some debate as to whether or not there is an Irish name it's derived from with most people saying "nawp" which means it's solely Native American which would be a hard no; L says that it sounds "silly"; it feels wrong to spell it without the extra l and h but that's what makes it more Irish less Native, allegedly

Pauline
Pros: a family name - kind of; Polly would be a cute nickname
Cons: I can't really imagine how that would play out for them as an adult; it's has kind of a "hard" feel to it; it really just means "little" or "the younger" which, while technically accurate, seems mean 

Names not under consideration that I still kinda like:

Trula (doesn't work with the last name whatsoever)

Gemma (girl, same)

Sophia (got way too popular in the past 15 years; I guess we just all love Howl's Moving Castle that much - who can blame us)

...and there you have it!

EITHER call your friends to play OR lay me aside

 I'm still depressed. I have been for a while. I'd like to blame someone else for this. (I don't really have anyone else to blame for this.) I am failing. Not by the numbers, but by motivation. 

There was a time, as recently as postpartum with L, that I would self-soothe by imagining how I wanted things to be. I had ways I wanted to be. Things I wanted to do. I had goals. I thought about ways to make my little home better. I had little ambitions. I felt this sense of looking forward to things. I haven't felt that way in a while.

Part of me is compassionate about this. Of course, it says. You're burned out. You've had a really bad few years. You're accomplishing things on paper, yes, but your system needs a reset and you don't have the wherewithal to do it right now. But will I ever? The trouble is, you think you have time. In the positive ways. In the not-so-positive ways. Time passes extremely fast, now that I'm almost 40. 

And I feel like I talk about it incessantly, but I feel like there are these cycles that I get swept up in - and I'm sure most people do. The ones I'm the most worried about and saddest about are the postpartum cycle, the early childhood cycle, the middle childhood cycle, and perimenopause. How am I to get myself out from underneath these goddamn cycles? Oh, and the state of the world at large. There's that, too.

S is going through something that is beautiful and part of the start of his own cycle of rebirth. Rebirth is only exciting for a little while; it's a little bit like infatuation or limerence or a crush or something like that. The change is positive and thrilling, but then, eventually, you feel like shit again. You just do. Due to life circumstances, not feel rewarded enough for the sacrifices you're making or the things you're going through. It's tough, I know. 

Everything feels so far away. I can't touch it. I feel like I'm the worst parent in the world because I can't bring myself to Do the Things I know I need to do. There was a time I'd make charts and followthrough with them (for a little while, anyway); where I'd try to make sure the boys and L had fulfilling things to do outside of school and really push helping them in school and try to make enriching activities happen 2-3 times a week and now I feel like I can barely get through a day. And there's not all that much to get through in a day, really. Almost everything feels really futile. The dishes, the laundry, physical pain, motivating myself to go to the fucking gym, the transitions between x activity and y activity. And I'm already on a depression medication. This isn't as bad as it could be, probably. The road to hell is paved in...lack of followthrough?

But, has it ever really been different? Maybe I was just more hopeful when I was younger. And now, because I've just experienced so much uh...redirection of expectation...I can't make myself pretend anymore. That things will look more like they "should". That things will "get better". But...they are better in some ways. And no worse than they've ever been in others. I do see that. 

And I also see that although the girl in pictures from 16+ years ago looks happier and healthier, she...wasn't. I do miss her, although I'm concerned any optimism she had is dead or so dormant I don't know if I can really reawaken it in this lifetime. 

Questions for myself:
- Why are you so afraid of hearing "no"?
- Even if you feel like you're the only one working on your environment most of the time, what, exactly, is so bad about that?
- Is it time to think seriously about moving somewhere else (this winter has been rough)?

Three questions are enough. Maybe I'll work on those next time. Oh, and I'm still working on that name post. It's just - I'm going to delete it once Ms. Thing is born for obvious reasons so I don't want to have to comb back through a backlog of sEvErAl.

Okay. Time to psych myself up to shovel the driveway while contemplating group protocols. Because I couldn't get my damn care in the driveway last night. Man have those chickens come home to roost. Anyway, have a good day! 

Wake Up Dead (wo)Man

I know what I said last post (and I'm still going to do it), but other topics seem more important at the moment.

These include: how damn cold it is, Schrodinger's earring, and fucking meetings, man.

How Damn Cold It Is: It's edging on Fairbanks-level cold. Just edging. But that's enough! Too much, arguably. The closest weather station to me is on Weather Underground is reading -24 degrees Fahrenheit. And some things that happen to me when it gets this cold are, in no particular order, overall malaise (feeling shitty), a primal need to sLeEp (hard to wake up, hard to think, hard to do anything), and anxiety about my car starting. I had a roommate at one point who used to start her car every X number of hours when working overnight shifts at the hospital when it got teens-below-zero, and I've been racking my brain trying to remember what the number was. Six? Three? Online opinions seem to differ slightly, but the general consensus is just starting it will do more harm than good, so drive it once a day for 20-30 minutes to keep it Gucci. Unless your battery is just bad, in which case: you have bigger problems. S, being from North Pole, had me start it this morning anyway, and I will have to do An Outing to pick up L from school this afternoon, so that should that <dusts off hands>.*

Schrodinger's Earring: I presume I will not figure out umlauts in blogger before publishing, so I apologize and - yes. I know. So I got my ears pierced in mid-August to show L what it's like to get your ears pierced. This ended up not working out the way I'd hoped because pediatricians are a little more like Claire's when it comes to piercing than a piercing studio, but in any case I got little titanium moon-shaped studs and that was fine. They look like this except black, and I never changed them out because I think that part of my brain (the accessorizing part) has gone on permanent vacation. I'm a fidgeter because of course I am, and was fidgeting with my left earring while watching Physical 100 a couple of nights ago. I fidgeted kind of hard, I guess, and the back of the earring slipped out. Okay, no big deal. I pick it up and look for the front. Except I can't find the front and now there seems to be a mass in my left earlobe. Great. I am now convinced that the earring front has slipped inside my earlobe. I am not as freaked out about this as I would have been in my 20s. I make the damn urgent care appointment and just...don't sleep on my left side. My sacrum is behaving itself a little better, so this is not really a big whoop. Maybe just a medium one. The next day is a blizzard/white-out driving conditions kind of day with record snowfall, etc. However. The show must go on! So off I go on a 20-minute drive that actually takes 40 minutes for a nice PA that wasn't even supposed to be there that day, all Clerks style, to lidocaine and incise** my left earlobe and dig around for a bit. 

This was all pretty expected. Guess what was unexpected, though. Go ahead. Don't read on! Think about it for exactly ten seconds. Okay. She rummaged around for a few minutes and said either it wasn't there or she couldn't find it. She said there was an infection and I guess she removed that, but - no earring. I'm not 100% sure she's right. But I wasn't going to make her body horror my ear any more than she already had, because:
1) Who knows? Maybe I'll find the earring front under or in the couch or something and then feel like I was acting the delusional fool.
2) Urgent care is not a surgical...um...auditorium thing. This isn't really probably what she went to school for if we get into needing to do full-on plastic surgery. I mean maybe she has a secret passion for that but I sure don't and no judgement if you don't either.
3) Apparently the type of earring I had was implant grade anyway, so if it doesn't get (more) infected then maybe it doesn't matter?
4) They for sure don't have an x-ray at that urgent care location and that's probably the least intrusive way to find out for sure either way.

...so yeah! Fun little thing I now have to remember and explain at all future medical appointments or surgeries. I may or may not have an earring stuck in my left earlobe! Why? What do I mean? *sigh*

Fuck Meetings, Man: I only kind of mind meetings. I do get anxieties, though, which run the gamut from: does my hair look alright? (No, it doesn't. But also: nobody cares! And that's such a relief if I'm honest.) Is this the right meeting link? Am I even really a person at all? What is life? I also like a paper trail because I hella misunderstand things, and it is beyond frustrating to ask directly for someone's resume >4 times and/or dates for A Thing I Need To Know About with no written words addressing those things and end up at: let's just make a meeting. Bestie, please. Just. Do. The. Thing. I will meet with you anyway, I swear. I will buy you coffee and a croissant! But a girl has needs (not like that***)! I know I am as or more guilty of shit like this than not, and it's especially annoying that I just apparate after an extended period of silence with a gazillion questions. I know, I know, I know. Woo. Okay!

Time to do more SUD training while huddling indoors next to a heating pad. 

*I keep meaning to name my car and then forgetting and nothing really feels super-right. Maybe her name is Myrtle Moo? I think I suggested it, my kid ridiculed me because "That's a silly name, mom." Yes. But she is reliable, un-fancy, and American-made. Any better suggestions?

**I learned that an incision in my ear is my second-least-favorite sound! Glad to know I'm not too old to keep learning new things about myself.

***Okay, maybe like that, occasionally, but certainly not in this context. I am a pre-professional. 

The Inner Taskmistress Is Still on Vacation

About eight days ago my iliosacral situation started hurting without notice. The kind of hurt that severely slows you down and means every little move is kind of breathtaking, you know? Today is as close to normal as I've been. I even went swimming last night! And feel kind of okay this morning - no Tylenol or anything! 

In other news the battery on my car died the big death. It got me to New Year's Eve at my in-law's house and since then: dead as a doornail. S took care of it, which was a big relief because I still can't know how to hear about lifting anything significantly heavy. What does that mean? I dunno. It's definitely the weight of a car battery, though, I'll tell you that for free.

It wasn't the highest on his priority list, though, (and that's fine) because the boys headed back to Texas yesterday so he's been hyper-focused on spending as much time with them as possible. They were up until I Don't Know O'Clock the night before last, and he stayed awake all night or try to to maximize face time with them. I can only imagine how hard that must be.

Things have been going all right, but I feel marinated in anxiety. S took the week of New Year's off work, ostensibly to help me because: pain. And he did field all the kid things and dinners which was extremely very helpful. But, as always, the house descended into chaos of the stereotypic kind. I've regained the kitchen, downstairs bathroom and dining room so far and hope to sink my talons into the living room today. Not that it's a surprise, likely, but if you didn't already know: pain makes you tired!

It's been kind of ridiculous cold lately, as in -10 Fahrenheit or below. Today it's jumped to 7 (above!) which seems decadent in comparison. I forgot gloves to go pick up a Target order the night before last* and realized getting gas was kind of, uh, emergent. Two gas stations and three pumps later I finally found one that was working, and learned that handling metal for any amount of time in 12 below feels like a mild burn. Consequently, I several hundred percent am bringing my gloves on outings from now until March, bruh.

Other things that don't belong in narrative form:
- L is back to school today, but it's "intensives" which are fun and art/science experiment based and I'm hoping will sell her a little more on this school
- M (the oldest boy) has acquired a little bit of a Texas twang in the year since I last saw him which was surreal
- N (the youngest boy) was on a shower strike almost the entire time he was here and wow it's no exaggeration those middle school hormones Christina Aguilera almighty
- My brain has not been braining task-initiation wise and I can't seem to find the magic combination of words to make it do the things
- I also experienced this in my last year of undergraduate; it sucked then and it sucks now but at least now I have More Trauma and Bupropion 🌈 ...I guess
- Wow, how about that impending war with Venezuela? What the fuck (unsurprised, tho')?
- There has been overall more fight-picking lately (on S's part) and overall less fucks given lately (on my part) which is kind of the pattern when it comes to the boys visiting and then leaving; perhaps it's even seasonally-related?
- The name game: to whit - yeah, I don't know what to name this kid. Expect a post about that coming to a blog near you. Why? Because names are one of my special interests, that's why.
- Although I am having trouble laughing lately, The Bleak Old Shop of Stuff evoked a titter or two
- Maybe surprisingly, maybe not, the new season of Phineas and Ferb has totally been making me lol, though. Just saying.

In the meantime, please enjoy this tangentially bone-related song. And stay warm! Warm, for godssakes.

*it was kind of a test run for the battery - oh, and my sacrum.

More of the same

Driving in one of my three favorite neighborhoods towards "my" church
(Is it really mine if it feels parasocial?)
I snoop through a window
Living room lights draped with red silk
Just like in To Wong Foo!
Reminds me of the life parts I miss and love
And the places I can't go anymore

I didn't really mean for this
Life
And it feels ungrateful
There are good parts!
But it feels wrong
To travel 3,000 miles and still
Be hiding
Live so close to my parents
Still feel unsafe

Or, at the very least, not worth the communication
I found a book my father left on my living room table while I was napping
No text no explanation
Just 12 Rules For Life

As always, I cried the day after Christmas
My daughter’s the same as me everything so near the surface
“I want it to be Christmas AGAIN” and she cries
The adrenaline dump is real and I don’t have the self-care chops for it right now
I cannot bring myself to tidy today
Or feel the good in much of anything

My parents gave S and me a hundred dollars and a card that says, explicitly, “We love ALL of you!”
Individually, I get a candle that I will use and some slippers that I never will
Never mind that I need shit for the baby

It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay
This is why we hate Christmas, I guess (hate? Hate.)
It is the epitome of playing chicken with limited resources and being enough and doing enough and making magic out of, idk, nothing
And not very well at that
It’s a nightmare for the borderlines, the autists

Is it good for anyone?

I want to take it back to times when it was just a feast
Trade in Thanksgiving for Christmas; we don’t need both
Just roll me up in a corner of a small cottage somewhere quiet
Where the messes are the messes only I make and my organization (such as it is) does not get fucked with ever
How long is this life again? Where does the will to live spring from? Is it still, always, anger?

I cannot consume right now
I want to eat but it’s hard to eat
I like the idea of watching a film but it feels painful to actually do so
reading’s better but not by much

My back hurts (already!) and I am beleaguered by the things I should do should have done accumulating like snow drifts around me

They will eat me alive

And you cannot help me and they cannot help me and my daughter should not even be as aware of the situation as she is

“It’s okay. Sometimes feelings get too big. You know how it is. I’m trying to figure out what my body needs to feel better.”

Her, gesturing at my stomach, “Maybe THAT guy is taking you over.”

…maybe.