Oh, I remember now: at some point S said that his intent with all this (business with K) was to introduce me to her at a music show I agreed to go to pre-open marriage-gate (OMG) and maybe I would think she was awesome! Maybe we would hit it off! And then, maybe he could be like, "Hey what about we have an open relationship and I [blank...this wasn't clear, but I assume would escalate to sex] with this lady!"
The. Fucking. Audacity.
I can't focus. Or parent mindfully. This is stupid.
🤮
I feel the type of sick I did when Sc did this same thing. Actually, this is a step beyond what Sc did. As far as I know R was unaware that Sc was...uh...in limerence with her and downloading pictures of her from the internet. I can only imagine what's going on with that now that AI is widespread.
Nope, this was (is?) direct contact. And (and!)* at a time when we're supposed to be rebuilding our relationship (and a window of time in which I was** slowly starting to feel some sexual desire and security) he comes at me with this. And and and there was either some premeditation (at least some) or a total lack of judgement. Bestie, one day last week after work he took our daughter to see the band K is in play at the museum because he was "meeting a friend there"*** to see music. After starting to get explicitly flirty with K on Facebook and Instagram.
A particularly bad fight we had this morning escalated because S started getting verbally aggressive with me after I accidentally sighed in bed this morning when reexamining the texts. I know, I know, I shouldn't have. But. It's like a scab. We (I) pick at it. When I realized he took our daughter to meet K (basically), I needed to take some time to calm down. And my intention was to express to him that he was no longer welcome to take L or H anywhere by himself unless I was going too.
That probably wouldn't have helped any, I suppose.
Look, I get he feels like it's fun to get flirted with. I understand in a...distant way. Because flirting, to me has always felt confusing and icky****. So, yes, I can see how you would like that. I can also see how this would have gone had it continued.
And I'm not so sure I shouldn't have let it continue. Should I have just been like: "Ok, have fun with your new girlfriend work construction for the rest of your life supervised visitation only see you never thanks for doing all this >6 weeks postpartum?"
But fuck. We have kids. We have brought another human into all of this. So counseling it is. I'm sure I'll have more thought later, but I have that sick feeling (see above) and have to get ready to go pickup our child from music camp. I did decline S staying home again from work today to "give me sleep"***** so in a sense I asked for the responsibility. Which is fine. But still. Even in these trying times one must shower. And clean newbork poop.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
*Can't you just hear the inflection?
**again
***Which he very well might have been doing as well.
****I tend to be very direct if I like someone. Praps 'tis the 'tism.
*****It sure as hell didn't work that way yesterday.
I had a feeling so I went through S's phone this morning. Well, just the most recent text thread, really. He'd been texting with someone he used to know from when he played music, and seemed to be enjoying it (laughing to himself while cooking in the kitchen; no crime there). Last night, around 8:45 PM he started talking in a way that led me to believe he was working towards opening our relationship. I was right. I don't want to do that. We ended up talking/arguing until midnight. I specifically asked him if he had a crush on anyone and was this why he was talking about this now? Lots of tears. Him angry. Me angry. We reached a point of exhaustion and settled down for the night. He spooned me, it actually felt okay. Nice even!
I still didn't feel okay. Still shaky. Still sick. I got three hours of sleep and called it at 4:00 AM. I slowly fed H and decided to drive to Eagle River for coffee. Beautiful day, sunshine, mountains, mist on the river, etc.
I got back. L got up. S got up and seemed okay. He rousted N out of bed (he arrived yesterday) and started cooking some eggs. He checked his phone a few times and seemed to be texting someone, and laughing. I asked what was funny?
"I'm texting someone."
More laughter. Voice-to-text "Puerto Ricans". Again, what was funny?
"Oh, I'm texting K. We're talking about how she doesn't date white guys."
Okay. He's talked about K before. Someone from when he played music years ago.
S takes N and H on a walk through the neighborhood so I can...study I guess? But I don't (I'm having trouble with that lately due to being a fucking emotional mess).
I just...have a feeling. So I pick up his phone. I know the passcode, he knows mine. It's not a secret. Last night at 6:twenty something - almost 1.5 ass hours before he attempted to have a conversation with me he told K that we were "moving toward opening the relationship" and in previous texts they talked about having crushes (at least, him on her) way back when, and he asked "Are we flirting?"
Now in the conversation last night I made it painfully clear (Many, many repetitions) That I do not want an open relationship. I can barely handle the one I’m in, and we are so shaky right now and have so much goddamn trouble communicating that incorporating other people would be a war crime. To be clear, I’m not against Polyamory writ Large, it’s just not something I want to explore at this time. And I especially do not want to be having this conversation five weeks postpartum thanks. (Although, to be fair, I was the one who asked S If he was heading towards asking about opening the marriage during the conversation, but it’s a good thing I did. Because, see above.)
Now, nowhere in the conversation that S had with K this morning mentioned that he talked to me and that actually, no, we’re not opening the marriage. This morning, specifically there were just some low-key, pretty harmless, but still flirtatious texts about how she doesn’t date white men. It’s important to note at this point that S is not a white man.
So, for that reason, shaking with anger, I texted her back a quick note about how I was S’s wife, and that no, as a matter of fact, I’m not comfortable with opening the marriage. And that we talked about it last night, and that he only brought it up after he talked to her about it. She was basically like, OK thanks. Sorry! And I signed off with something about trust being broken, hope she understands and take care, and she reciprocated that.
When S and N got back from the walk with H I was livid, still shaking, and we immediately went upstairs to argue some more. I don’t know, man. It took a direct verbal prompting for him to apologize for it and, like 45 minutes of talking for him to at all, admit that he saw how I could have an issue with it. Which, to be clear was the timing, explicitly telling me the night before that he did not have a crush on anyone, and this, evidently not being true, and him not prioritizing telling her that our marriage wasn’t open first thing in the morning instead going on to flirt with her.
We talked about a lot of the same old things. But one kind of new thing we talked about was what it is. He likes/loves about me. Because I hear that he loves me Often, but it sure doesn’t feel like it. And, I mean, he said the same about me. So I’m sure that’s a factor. But what was interesting was that when he listed off what he loves about me they were all things that I either do for him, or sex basically. I asked if you liked my personality, and He started to explain in detail. I cut him off, though, maybe I shouldn’t have, and asked for a yes or no. And he said no. And… That tracks.
And most of our “discussions“ it tends to come back to what I’m doing wrong, what I want to take responsibility for, and the ways in which he’s right and I’m wrong. And maybe that’s pretty common for most fights. But I somehow don’t think so. I don’t want to throw the N-word around, but it does kind of feel like either. He’s a narcissist or he fucking hates me. And just wants to be around because he’s benefiting from me.
So, Clara, why are you still here with this man? Because I have a fucking five week old. And I just want him to fix the damage he’s done. And…maybe that’s a lost cause.
Formatting is shite because this is mostly voice to text
I can’t integrate all this I feel sick. I feel like I’m drowning. No matter how much I talk about with S I don’t know that I’m ever really going to feel okay. No apologies. No let’s do this together. Painful.
Comfort films, 90s edition: George of the Jungle, Crocodile Dundee, A River Runs Through It, Free Willy, Shipwrecked. ...none of these pass the Bechdel test, I'm pretty sure. Upon further examination, the first two do, but the second two do not. The last one hasn’t been listed yet. Guess I’ll have to watch it.
The sass is the same as it ever was from Clarissa Explains It All to any YouTube vlogger ever.
Titrating down the pain meds. Took my last ibuprofen today.
Powders everywhere; 'tis the orthorexia, I fear. Our countertops are covered in protein powders and baby formula. There is much talk of “gains” and measuring of biceps. Blah.
Thrush feels like fiberglass. Cute name for a not-so-cute problem.
L unexpectedly got the opportunity to go to music camp next week because we ran into B and her dad at the park recently. This is the man S decided was a threat of some sort. Well, he’s been doing better (ish) with that lately, so I decided to act normal (ish) because I want L to have a friend in the neighborhood consarnit. Long story short, L’s going to camp and hopefully playdates will ensue and also hopefully S can take her to those playdates and get off my case about it.
Renaissance Faire tomorrow with an emphasis on pirates.
Good things to watch at 2:00 AM when you're sleeping in 1.5-3 hour chunks on the couch with your newborn, an incomplete list: The Decameron, How to Get to Heaven from Belfast and Jeopardy (needs no introduction), and I now suspect that I only like media incorporating Saoirse-Monica Jackson in some capacity. For that reason, Derry Girls is next on my list.
The last few days have been rife with playdates and sunshine. Two playdates yesterday both of which involved lots of splashing in creeks but somehow zero leech encounters. It's been climbing to the 80s which is pretty hot for Alaska, and I've been hanging out with awesome people this week. It is helping me feel better. I do feel better. It's still hard for me to identify how I feel, what I think, and how to communicate that to brand new people, especially when tired with a newborn strapped on trying to halfway supervise my 8-year-old.
I've been studying as much as I can, but it's tricky. To get enough sleep for bare-minimum focusing and still do what needs to be done (dishes, shopping, socialization, going outside). I hope beyond hope I can pull this off.
Today is better. I’ve only had 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours. But today is better.
