Written in Late July 2026; Just So's You Know

I passed my exam! I can't fucking believe it! I'm incredibly grateful. To the universe. To my brain*. To the goddess. Writing it down makes it feel real. I passed. I passed! I passed!

*If I can make it through a clinical doctorate and pass boards with a relationship on fire, a young elementary-age child, pregnancy, recovering from a C-section, aggressive lack of support from my spouse, and the total bullshit S and N put me through in the month leading up to the exam maybe - just maybe I'm going to be a cracker (Irish use, non-derogatory) OT and this was all meant to be.  

...I also completed my license application (another 400-some-odd dollars *eyeroll emoji*) so once that's approved I can start applying for jobs. Or maybe I can already? Unclear. Will start working on my resume today, though, so we can start The Process tomorrow.

Things are somewhat better with S. My hormones are driving the bus at the moment. I don't know exactly what makes one postpartum different than another (aside from...everything), but this postpartum is characterized by more desire for Adult Time than the other one. This has been a welcome distraction from Everything Else, and maybe a means of avoiding thinking about/dealing with Everything Else, if I'm honest. Slightly more presence, much more kindness, better communication (although it's not always All That), and lots of verifying which...so far...has held up. 

That being said I do find myself thinking about OMGate pretty consistently. I'll be minding my business, going about my day** when I will think to myself, Ah. It was only 5 weeks ago that S was flirting with someone else and moving towards having an affair and completely dynamiting our marriage. Jesus FUCKING Christ. and there's a tingly body sensation that goes along with that and panic (although that has subsided in intensity over the past 5 weeks, I will say). And sometimes details will suddenly click and I'll feel a little stabby sensation and feel kind of barfy as well; for instance, a couple of days ago I realized that a pair of underwear he'd gotten me the year previous had the logo of the band the girl (woman? Idk man, leave my millennial ass alone.) in question plays in emblazoned on it. I mean, cool concept - they're like tightie-whities with the piss hole and everything and the logo sprayed on the front. When I'd got them I thought they'd probably work for, like, a burlesque curtain call getup with maybe thick-rimmed black glasses and knee-socks. Like a Velma-type thing, you know? But knowing what I know now reframes them, and I threw them away. Because: barf.

**Which consists of errands, doctor's appointments, playdates, reading, playgrounds, hiking-lite (because it is a summer half-underwater and getting L, N, and S to fucking go out and do Alaska things we live in Alaska goddammit is not easy, fun, or intuitive), going to tha gym/jogging, paperwork, cleaning, curating our belongings, and starting to play Disco Elysium. I've heard good things. I'm 20 minutes in and that's about as far as I can get before I must minister to The Infant. So: yeah. So far so good.

And, yes, I know there wasn't anything explicitly happening at the time, but I also know that, as per K (the woman; I really need to tighten up my consistency with all this, but I'm lucky to be able to get the baby asleep to be able to process via typing at all so - shush!) the show these were bought at was when she "wanted to get to know S but didn't have his number!" so there was, like, some attraction. No doubt. 

And, no, maybe I shouldn't ask questions I don't want to know the answers to, but I'm going to figure out the answers sooner or later whether I want to or not, so it's probably better if it comes from you, compadre. What will I do with the answers? I dee fucking kay, but it's:

My witchy therapist (whom I like very much so far) has let me know that her way of processing trauma is most closely related to talk therapy - which is fine. I've done EMDR and IFS in the past, but I think this will be fine. There's some DBT sprinkled in too, which is somewhat helpful. But I have noticed a tendency on my part to start looking for patterns in a meta-intellectual sense rather than taking the emotional road. And, hey - self? That's the whole reason we're here. E.Mo.Shuns. Emotions.

I'm struggling to talk about OMGate with anybody much. I've talked to two people about it. I had an opportunity to talk more about it with some newer friends, but it felt complicated because they were kind of S's friends "first" in my head? And I know for a fact that AA peeps are supposed to have unconditional positive regard for each other. Which, maybe they would regardless. I, myself, would have a hard time with that, though, because of the strong sense of justice. For instance, if you told me that your spouse did the shit he did, I would want to avoid them at best and probably have preeeeeeeetttty strong feelings about it. So I kept it vague, going with overarching themes of want to release low confidence and bring more desire and being desired into my life. I think they thought it had more to do with my postpartum x2 body. Which, sure, isn't going to land me any Sports Illustrated covers, but I don't feel all that bad about it. It does the things I need it to do, and I have great tits and a rocking ass, so, #blessed. I'm pretty funny if not as present as I'd like to be, medication has done wonders for my overall ability to self-regulate, and I'm fairly smart and have good rhythm. That's probably enough, right? Right.

Wake me up just to call me sleeping beauty

Things have been quiet, more or less. I don't get to know whether or not I passed the NBCOT until tomorrow, so in the meantime I'm just...existing. Slowly taking care of getting rid of  things in the house that don't fit. Donating them or fobbing them off on the local buy nothing group (which I'll tell anyone who'll listen to me that it's the closest I'm likely to get to socialism in my lifetime - so I'm all about it).

Practical things are not so much happening around the house, however. I'll manage to catch up on laundry for a hot minute or dishes, or organize L's room and then the day will be over. The fence in the backyard hasn't been worked on since last year and now S is working 6-7 days a week, so I don't imagine that's going to happen until August. N hasn't mowed the lawn but twice all summer and is spending the night at my in-laws' house pretty frequently. 

L's social calendar has been pretty spotty and I need to do something about that. Maybe a few more playdates this week.

The Al-Anon stuff has been moving slowly but that seems appropriate for the subject matter. One person I was talking to who had done both AA and Al-Anon mentioned that the two are different in the sense that AA is all about being of service to others to the exclusion of almost everything else, and Al-Anon is about identifying what you need. So I do wonder how happy S is going to be about that. 

With my therapist last week I identified that I need to be more assertive in communication and communicate specifically that I continue to feel insecure and want reassurance. Or assurance? Either. Both. The trouble, as always, is figuring out what I need to communicate that is true, necessary, kind, etc.

Kind doesn't necessarily mean nice, you know? 

Sleepy today. Yesterday was somewhat action-packed and sunny and now today is overcast and somewhat drizzly. We might go swimming tonight. I might go on a run with S. I'm rusty at expressing myself verbally, but more opportunities have come up lately for me to do that. So maybe that'll get better.

Back to you, Morbo.

Updates:

It's roughly two weeks later and we've been to one counseling session. Something we had been doing is writing a (brief) letter to each other once a day and responding to what the other one says (kind of; S's letters don't tend to invite response really, and some of mine don't either). The counselor affirmed that this was something we should keep doing, and I have been. I think I've gotten maybe...two letters? In the week since whereas before it had been every day? So I feel ways about that. Maybe I shouldn't. But I do.

So. What's been going on? Oh, studying. Processing all the bullshit of the previous two weeks. I am still angry about said bullshit, and do not feel feelings like trust or security, but am fine and do feel like this is pretty on-brand not only for my relationship with S (under the circumstances) but my life writ large. Something sort of similar happened with Sc, and so far the trajectory has been similar as well. Unsure what lesson life's trying to teach me. Is it just karmic? Any other suggestions? Am open to suggestions.

I did do a mental health intake at a local place that does a discount for paying in full at the time of the appointment which is the best that I can do. And the person who did my intake was quite witchy and is willing to take me on*, so that's nice.

L's been having a time. She's asking for therapy again because she has big feelings and S continues to stonewall on this. I'm sure not all therapists demand that both parents agree to therapy, but with the lack of insurance or job I feel kind of powerless right now so that's going to have to be a "reexamine in the Fall" item. My feeling is if she's self-aware enough to ask for therapy and explain why (to me, at least; she has a harder time articulating this to S - which isn't surprising all things considered) it doesn't hurt anything to at least take a look-see. A little gander if you will. But S is of the mind that unless things are extremely acute there's no point in pursuing it. Okay? If we're there it's already too late an ounce of prevention, my guy. I do feel like if I push too hard explicitly he's going to stonewall even harder. OT addresses some mental health stuff and she's able to avail herself of the school counselor, so hopefully that will be enough until S has his "Come to Talos" moment whenever that is.****

Ooooootherwise, SSRIs are coming in clutch, and I'm spending as much time as possible studying for my test (on Monday. Eek.) and trying to figure out how the hell I want to show up in my roles and general life.

Good things:

1. Going on a "foraging" hike with L & H with some of S's friends from AA - except I guess they're edging towards becoming more like our/my friends due to general witchiness and so forth. We found white flowers that smell amazing, sage, dandelions, and spruce tips all of which have uses, none of which I knew about before. I am a lame witch in that regard. 
2. Have been cleared to exercise and have gone on two sorta runs with S since the clearance. He wants to work out with me, but I imagine that won't happen before my gym membership kicks back in in July**
3. Have started going to an Al-Anon meeting and this will be overall good, I feel. I need to process and heal and therapy and Al-Anon are probably the ways to go for this. Evidently there are 12 steps for Al-Anon too, but I'm not that far in the book yet. I've been reading a little bit each night before bed and keep having to stop and go, "Dammit. Yes. GODDAMMIT."*** Evidently there's an experiental fork in the road where one way people go into hyper-fixit mode and the other way people shut the fuck down and become attuned to all the things that are and could go wrong and feel powerless about it and anyway to no-one's great surprise I did the second thing.
4. Ma has been coming over once a week for the past 4 weeks at first to help clean/hold the baby and then study and that has been lovely. She's really showed up for me in ways that I want to remember forever and wish I knew how to pay back or show the depth of my gratitude for.
5. Volunteering for Juneteenth and Pride at my church's booth has been...not terrible! I definitely hit my wall around a certain time, but it's more fun than it was last year. Going to church events has been a little easier too. Win!
6. H is gaining weight (I think), and drinking formula when she needs to. More win! Much in the way of win.

Okay, time to be constructive again. Bye.

*TAKE ON MEEEEEE

**Jesus, Clara why so negative? Well, I'm a Virgo Finn/Dutch/Estonian/Swiss/Scots heritage person (among other things, but those are the stereotypically practical bits) who is almost 40 so forgive if I'm a pragmatic motherfucker. Or hey - don't!

***AA steps for reference if anyone wants that.

****There's also this jazz in the meantime.

No, I don’t want an open marriage.

 I can’t integrate all this I feel sick. I feel like I’m drowning. No matter how much I talk about with S I don’t know that I’m ever really going to feel okay. No apologies. No let’s do this together. Painful.

Flat

Comfort films, 90s edition: George of the Jungle, Crocodile Dundee, A River Runs Through It, Free Willy, Shipwrecked. ...none of these pass the Bechdel test, I'm pretty sure. Upon further examination, the first two do, but the second two do not. The last one hasn’t been listed yet. Guess I’ll have to watch it.

The sass is the same as it ever was from Clarissa Explains It All to any YouTube vlogger ever.

Titrating down the pain meds. Took my last ibuprofen today.

Powders everywhere; 'tis the orthorexia, I fear. Our countertops are covered in protein powders and baby formula. There is much talk of “gains” and measuring of biceps. Blah.

Thrush feels like fiberglass. Cute name for a not-so-cute problem.

L unexpectedly got the opportunity to go to music camp next week because we ran into B and her dad at the park recently. This is the man S decided was a threat of some sort. Well, he’s been doing better (ish) with that lately, so I decided to act normal (ish) because I want L to have a friend in the neighborhood consarnit. Long story short, L’s going to camp and hopefully playdates will ensue and also hopefully S can take her to those playdates and get off my case about it.

Renaissance Faire tomorrow with an emphasis on pirates.

The trapeze act was wonderful

Good things to watch at 2:00 AM when you're sleeping in 1.5-3 hour chunks on the couch with your newborn, an incomplete list: The Decameron, How to Get to Heaven from Belfast and Jeopardy (needs no introduction), and I now suspect that I only like media incorporating Saoirse-Monica Jackson in some capacity. For that reason, Derry Girls is next on my list.

The last few days have been rife with playdates and sunshine. Two playdates yesterday both of which involved lots of splashing in creeks but somehow zero leech encounters. It's been climbing to the 80s which is pretty hot for Alaska, and I've been hanging out with awesome people this week. It is helping me feel better. I do feel better. It's still hard for me to identify how I feel, what I think, and how to communicate that to brand new people, especially when tired with a newborn strapped on trying to halfway supervise my 8-year-old. 

I've been studying as much as I can, but it's tricky. To get enough sleep for bare-minimum focusing and still do what needs to be done (dishes, shopping, socialization, going outside). I hope beyond hope I can pull this off.

In June You Change Your Tune

 Today is better. I’ve only had 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours. But today is better.