Copy That

 Where have I been? The short answer is: here. 

Between busyness, fatigue, and realizing there's only 4 weeks left in my capstone holy shit things are getting real and demanding to get wrapped up into little bows. I wish that I felt better. I wish I had more energy. I wish for many things (a la Sondheim), and yet. I'm here.

The interview that didn't happen did this week and was very successful (or as successful as transatlantic Zoom can be), and I got scads of great ideas. And now I want to move to the UK. Except, I guess, they have the same problems we do (or are fixing to), just with a bit of an accent. Oh, and the NHS. On the whole it doesn't seem like they have to fuck with CPT codes quite as much. But I'm not sure. That's not what were were there to talk about.

The person I interviewed happened to have some good information about a different concern that came up with a local chain (?) of assisted living homes where they're wanting some OT perspective on elders and addiction recovery. So that was nice, albeit not directly related to capstone; I think I can log it as research if nothing else. So now I might be visiting the most local site and offering suggestions. The main thing with that being that I will not physically be able to do that past about the 4-week mark. So I hope that all falls into place sooner than later, because otherwise I will very much not be available. So it goes. So so so. I say so too much. So.

But anyway, it's been sunny and beautiful and slightly less cold. Nobody seems particularly upset with me which is a massive win. Operation: Towel has enjoyed moderate success and I plan on layering another thing on top of it once we seem out of the towel woods (sometime in April). I'm at the stage of pregnancy discomfort where I can do things, but I will then be sore for A While after; for instance, I was asked to teach a short yoga class on Tuesday and I did it, but it wasn't pretty and I did feel gross and sore afterwards. Being almost done with the illness (it keeps hanging on) I'm planning on maybe going for a nice walk on a treadmill on Saturday and starting to ease back in that way. I'm a little concerned about getting enough volunteer hours for this one thing I was doing for school, but I'm also a little concerned about my capacity for doing shit full stop. Especially given that I am now somewhat unexpectedly grading two biggish things this weekend. And, like, I like grading, but it is time-consuming. And I really really want to convey that I want the feedback to support learning not make them feel bad about themselves so then it's word vomit everywhere and - you know what I mean, right?

Of course you do! Over and out.

But Time IS a Flat Circle, Tho'

 - Things are looking up today in no small part because at least the rest of the world is setting boundaries with the president. And somehow the second rescheduling of my airline tickets have resulted in even more refunds for me (????) and accidentally spending a half-day in Seattle. Ohhhhh noooo! Not Seattle! Whatever shall we do? Soak up the sea air and gawk at the sound while riding that giant ferris wheel? Uh oh.

- I hope I'm doing a good-enough job of not affirming or denying the fixed delusions of the people I come in contact with. I said yesterday that I feel safer at the inpatient psychiatric hospital I'm doing my capstone at than I do in the community - which probably made it sound like I find the population* distasteful. That's not the case. I feel safer because there are fewer variables in the hospital. There are infinite variables on The Outside. People who believe themselves to be a hundred percent oriented to reality who may not in very stimulating environments bumping up against people who have deep fear of mental illness and all the sights, sounds and dangers that go with that. Whereas the hospital? Everyone should at least sort of know how to interact in trauma-informed ways. There is a predictable pattern to the daily schedule and the environment is fairly predictable. Is it homey? No. Is it giving dorm room from hell? Yes. Is it still doing its best? Probably.

*And when I say "the population" I really mean: people like me and the people I love, honestly. Because I absolutely believe it to be a miracle/maybe an oversight that I haven't spent at least a little time in a similar facility. Life is hard. Society is fucked. Mental health isn't even on the back burner - it's in a cupboard somewhere and gathering dust. So. Yeah.

- Yesterday turned into a bit of a Hero's Quest (not really, actually) that involved rescheduling an appointment, a productive Microsoft Teams meeting, a doctor's appointment, half-listening to a synchronous online class amidst driving and Other Tasks because I cannot manage my time it is laughable that I ever tell anyone anything about how to do that effectively, driving to two pharmacies and stepping foot inside a grocery store. Oh, and lab in the evening.

- Now I'm sitting on Zoom waiting to see if the person I tried to schedule an interview with will actually show up. It's 12 minutes past start time and I have the free Zoom anymore, so I don't know if this is really going to pan out for me. Details that may be jamming me up: they're located in Scotland. Although I'm pretty sure I accounted for the time difference I *gestures at situation 1 in the chat*; they're probably busy and this was a somewhat last-minute scheduling ask; maybe they forgot; maybe they're proactively trying to troll an American - for which I don't blame them; also, running Zoom meetings gives me The Anxiety because I'm so sure I missed seven things that make me look like the dinosaur I am. *sigh* Anyway.

- This week has shaped up to be busier than expected (and it was expected to be pretty busy anyway). Things are picking up a little bit at Site 1 and I must now be an adult and come up with some resources for a different community site that has questions that are BAM right in the wheelhouse of my capstone project. I am volunteering/going to a local OT conference for the first time on Saturday, which I am excited about (and not questioning that excitement either - just rolling with it). And I have to present out on my topic on Tuesday which has very much turned into a *buckle up bitches here we go* level of detail, so I hope I can fit it into a half-hour and that it doesn't look/sound like trash. So that's all I'm planning on doing on Sunday except for a playdate possibly but only if that works out seamlessly.

- The energy I wish to embody for this upcoming presentation.

- Over and out.

If you do finger guns at the void, does the void do finger guns back?

Self-referential rant incoming - please ignore!

I hate that my brain is like this. Why does my brain struggle with scheduling so much when it's such a vital fucking skill? Why do I have to triple and quadruple check things only for them to still blow up in my face?

Would love to be able to blame my scheduling woes on literally anyone else. But no! It's me, just me. So now* if I want to go to graduation I will need to reschedule a surgical followup appointment (and they weren't happy about the spread for the first time - timeline being too short), reschedule airline tickets and a rental car and book an entirely new AirBNB and communicate with the other one about how lol actually we'll be there all day instead of just using it as a crash pad.

You know what? It'll be okay. There are worse things. I am capable of doing this. I just hate it, is all. It's quite triggering from a rest-of-my-life standpoint. /sigh

*Well, always, apparently - if I could just read a date straight /sigh

On the plus side I finally found an OT in the UK who actually works in addiction recovery and is willing to schedule time with me for an interview despite the US being responsible for a bunch of global shit such that maybe nobody should ever want to talk to me again. Which is a heck of a silver lining! ...which also involves what? Scheduling! ...and time differences.

Just a completely predictable week 9 of 14 menty b.

O! To be a cat.

 Feeling better today. Tried to get the most out of sleep last night, and I think I succeeded (well, as much as I ever do anymore). My cat spends a lot of time sleeping throughout the day, then gets the zoomies at night. After a little zooming around she crawls into bed with me and stands guard all night. This might be a combination of becoming night blind and me being the warmest (read: only) warm thing in the house. But she more or less does the same thing when S and L are home too. Which: they're coming home this afternoon! So my motivation has finally kicked in a bit and I'm doing some of the tidying I've been putting off. I know why it works that way; doesn't make it any less annoying, though.

The capstone nonsense continues. Despite notifying both capstone mentors (one via email, one verbally) that my midterm performance review was due from them on Monday, neither of them had turned it in as of yesterday. Texted them both to remind again and was met with no response from either. Site 3 has finally made overtures to list the dates of the groups in one place (but not the times despite my emailing this to them as well over two weeks ago) and both in a Facebook group with the lil' flyer I made. That's not nothing, I guess!

It does feel a bit like my processing abilities have been shut down...or put into sleep mode, maybe. My system is sort of rejecting the notion of coming to any sort of resolution as regards the different stressors I have going on at the moment. The immediate ones, the impending ones. The ones that I've only recently become aware of. Maybe that's for a private post (not that that's ever stopped me in the past; well - mostly).

The things I should do that my executive dysfunction is screaming about:
- I have three options to explore for psychiatric treatment.
- Renewing my passport.
- Studying for the boards more.
- Continuing with the writing parts of my capstone.
- Updating my resume, I guess?
- Figuring out my shit re: volunteering (I need something like 7 more hours before the end of the semester).
- Making a plan for tomorrow (dinner and a show with friends; it does happen sometimes!).
- Getting a present for one of the friends because I spaced their birthday on the day of?
- Contacting a pediatrician for the new kid.
- Scheduling with a pediatrician for L.
- Figuring out L's birthday.
- Setting up a nursery - in the same room with L.
- Project managing what could be a Bed Fiasco if both boys come up this summer.
- (Are both boys coming up this summer?).
- Getting a passport for L
- Spiritual practice of some sort.
- Get outside.
- Drink more water.
- Do taxes.
- Do some financial stuff that I've been putting off which are two-part and unrelated.
- Set up my Costco rebate.
- Ask my mother-in-law what she wants to do for her birthday.
- Make time to hang out with friends one-on-one.
- Set up playdates for L.
- Set up a kinesthetically-based extracurricular for L.
- Address the floor-towel situation.
- Figure out if there is a free internet browser I can download of Roku. Is there?
- Die of embarrassment because I don't really know what to tell the one friend who offered to set me up with a meal train postpartum. Who should she ask? Bestie, I have no damn idea. Not even being cute. Don't know. Love the thought.
- Watching Honey, Don't. No particular reason, just thought I'd throw that in there.

Okay, now that I have a list I guess I'll...keep avoiding it and go fold laundry, clean the upstairs bathroom and see about taking a quick shower before it's time to go to the airport.

Brain Fog Thicker Than Pea Soup

Of all the cleaning things I aimed to do this weekend, what I actually did was transform my bedroom into an oasis (yay) and vacuum the hall. I guess I got a little too relaxed as a result, though, because now I am sick. I suspect COVID or a sinus infection. All my COVID tests are expired to an extent such that the solutions are all dried up so I will hie me to the store this morning to get a brand new one.

So I worked from home yesterday and am taking the only medication that I am for-sure allowed during pregnancy to manage my symptoms: Tylenol. Yes, it's brand-name.

I felt bad about calling out from "work" yesterday, but I suppose it doesn't matter to anyone there very much. I'm there? Great. I'm not? Also great.

It's a little over the halfway point of capstone, though, and I'm kind of over working from home. This is all very predictable. And I'm kind of over the predictable nature of it. Maybe that's just the COVID talking.

Anyway. Attempting sleep, pain management (like I said), working on slide decks, and watching Agents of Mystery (Korean reality challenge show that's giving X-Files - worth checking out),  My Favorite Murder (what it is; the podcast but filmed from the side) and Roz Hernandez: The Haunted Doll (Roz is a trans drag queen who hunts ghosts in haunted hotels, but doesn't sleep in them; the episode I saw was filmed in Jerome and damn it's -18 in my neighborhood right now so - yes I'm missing the high desert 15 years later) in-between. 

Brain fog is making coherence challenging, but sleep was easier last night (if stressful, what with being full of dreams about trying to get three kids to sleep in separate places during a sleepover), so I'm going to finish my coffee, listen to the news (cringe), and soldier on I guess.

File Under: Things That Work Until They Don't

Today is day two of Spring Break: The Grownup Version. S and L have flown to Disneyland and it's starting snowing in earnest (again) here. I am missing them, and also enjoying the little perks of being a temporary hermit. The quiet. The sleeping by myself. Monopolizing the television to watch Million Dollar Secret, do homework without distraction, and begin chipping away at un-fucking the house. The cat is happy to be left alone. At 31 weeks pregnant, I am happy not to be standing in line and doing way more socialization than my nervous system likes.

I am less thrilled that I will probably need to shovel at some point today, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Even less thrilled that we're at war again (still?), and that all the Christian nationalists are getting everything they ever dreamed of. Big motherfucking uh-oh right there. And that there were ~11 ICE agents at the airport in Anchorage, apparently, while my husband and daughter were going through security.

However far I get in un-fucking the house, I've been trying to think of ways to mitigate the fuckery once S and L get back. And I suppose I should go about it one thing at a time, because change tends to happen in small, measurable (actionable! Relevant! Time-bound!) steps. I don't exactly remember how many days it's supposed to take for a new habit to stick, but I think it's something between 30 and 90 days? So anyway, I'm making a list of things I want to address one-at-a-tedious time until forever, I guess. Or until I hit postpartum and am hanging on by my lil' fingernails. But I imagine the first one to emerge will be Leaving Towels Places.

Do you Leave Towels Places? Please, for the love of god - do not. A towel's natural habitat is hanging up on a towel bar, wadded up in the laundry basket or clean and folded in the linen closet. Not damp and strewn in your bed. Not damp and strewn on the floor. Not strewn anywhere, really. We have a truly astonishing number of towels when they're all laundered and folded and literally none the rest of the time. After 10 years of this I am definitely not cool girl about it anymore. I can't know how to hear any more about towels! Ahem. Might have bottled this up for too long. Maybe.

So anyway. Address that for ~30 days, reevaluate and jump on the next thing. Are there things that are more important? Probably. But I'd like some evident change, please.

Had a followup with my psychiatric NP and she floated the idea of increasing my bupropion from 150 mg to 300 mg. In a subsequent followup with my OB she was like, "So, you're just taking two instead of one now, right?" Oh. I guess I could do that. My brain is typically just like: no. Finish the current protocol and then start on the new one. But, no. Just do the change thing why not? It's fine. Silly brain.

Randomly ran into K at the gym by my house and it's was nice to see her. Not the same as it once was, but nice to catch up. Lots of "if you need anything reach out I'm here" and nodding. Yup, yup. I am for whatever combination of reasons not great at doing that and never have been, but okay. I did used to have a little chart (with stickers!) so I could rotate through reaching out to friends and spending time with them because I was so shit at it. Maybe I should institute that again, but incorporate all the playdate shenanigans L requires while I'm at it. Because: limited amount of that type of social engagement spoons. 

Okay, time to study for the NBCOT a bit, then go run a group that absolutely no-one will show up to (in a snowstorm!), work out and then go to the bookstore with V. Oh, and shovel perhaps? Because I'm cosplaying as a Real Person today.

Afk? Lol, never.

The dreams have been intense and immersive lately. Hm. Probably the moon. They don't portend anything particularly catastrophic. No, no. The news does that.

Have you watched Lost Women of Alaska on HBO Max? It's pretty good. It's very sad. True. And- I hope more people see it, because it's any important topic. But also maybe don't watch it if you're maxed out on Sad Shit That Happens to Women. Which some days - I am. 

It occurred to me recently that I might go into early labor. I have no reason to think this. The fetus has been behaving herself like any good stowaway and it doesn't really seem like it. Because it's not something I really can predict I did what I sometimes still do (and used to do a lot). Pull tarot cards! However it's hard to really trust the answer - and not even just for the regular reasons - but because every time I try to pull cards for the fetus The Hermit comes up. And then the 4 of Wands. Hermit, 4 of Wands, Hermit, 4 of Wands. It's kind of funny.
Me: <<specific question>>
Her: Hermit
Me: I know, but what about <<specific question>>?
Her: Oh! lol. 4 of Wands.
Me: Okay, but I said - 
Her: Hermit. Definitely Hermit.

And so on. 

I'm properly annoyed with Site 3 of my capstone now and, although the circumstances that make this so are probably unavoidable and impersonal, I still find myself with The Feels because my nervous system fucking hates ambiguity. What do I mean by that? Good question. I'm supposed to be running groups at this site, but this has been made difficult because: the site is in a secured building which I do not have access to without An Adult, there is only one Adult who works at the site and they do not work in a terribly predictive pattern which in turn is due to life circumstances that cannot be avoided. The site has not advertised the series at all with the exception of putting one flyer (flier?) up in the window of a neighboring nonprofit, and there seems to be some political shit happening between the municipal and state branches of this site which make me wonder if this was even a good idea in the first place? I am pivoting and recording videos for them to use which I may then just post online for the helluvit (without my face because the [presumed] 'tism is pretty visible on camera), so things are still happening, but I am still just.... I don't know. It's hard for me to hold 2+ eventualities in my head at a time, if that makes sense? Like, physically uncomfortable? Like the suspense of if someone might show up is worse than if I know nobody's going to or I know somebody is? There's also the remote possibility that this situation might be exacerbated by the Adult having been let go from the same burlesque company I am (still, somehow) in and maybe having some big feelings about that? I am neutral as fuck about the whole thing, but dang do I know how that feels. It's probably not that last, burlesqu-y factor. But if it is - wild.

We went swimming on Saturday and it was packed. Like: a public swimming pool in the 90s packed. But we soldier on, so we got in the warm pool and I start floating around like the manatee I (proudly) am. Then, L swims up to me, "I think there's poop in the pool." Oh shit. So I look and it's a soft maybe. It's not floating exactly, it's smaller than a bean larger than a grain of rice. We decide to tell the lifeguard. Nobody wants it to be poop. Not on a Saturday (the day of birthday parties). After a few more inspections, me attempting to dive for it but being unable to grasp it with a glove on the lifeguard gets a net and scoops it up. Guess what? Yes. It's poop. Clear the pool! We have both ruined Saturday and are poop heroes! It be like that sometime.

The paragraph about S: as of Monday he achieved being one year sober from alcohol 🎊. The day before that he sat down to tell me (as I was playing Stardew Valley - honestly not a bad time to choose) that he has actually been back on marijuana since October. This kind of tracks...but I truly didn't know. And I have some complex feelings about that that I'll be processing for a while. The second thing he told me (later in the day on Sunday) was that he's now okay with me having male friends, in part because he's realizing how much he's benefitted from having female friends over the past year. 

So that's quite a mixed bag of news. I'm extremely happy about the first and last parts of all that but, as always, concerned about the longterm veracity of it. Is this truly a permanent shift in perspective? If not, am I prepared to deal with the whiplash? Because I absolutely do not intend on waffling around on this like a damn...waffle. One of the reasons I was cited was that he's noticed I'm having a hard time right now (true; see all those journal entries), and I'm not leaning on my in-person friends/having a hard time being a friend to my in-person friends (also true, bit of a chronic problem, though, less circumstantial than it may seem - also pretty much entirely my fault) so perhaps it's not so bad to have a wider support system. So my question is: if one or both of those things were to change would this offer (?) be retracted? Am I being told about the marijuana on the eve of his alcohol sobriety anniversary because "She can't be mad at me about that, because I'm a year alcohol sober!"?

So, as always, things be complicated. But maybe...just maybe...things are looking up in March. At least, aside from current events. <<brief thousand-yard stare>> Ahem. But I do notice an immediate shift in how I feel about life having been told that "Hey - it's sanctioned for you to be yourself, have autonomy, volition, etc.". Not that permission is supposed to come from anyone outside myself, mind you. But circumstances being what they have been - it's an improvement.

Okay. TTYL (goddess willing)!