- I had coffee with E a few days ago and I noticed that I had a lot of complex feelings about that. L wanted to tag along even though it was made very clear that it would be grownups only (other than her) and she might have to bring activities to keep herself occupied. She agreed and it turned out to be a good thing she did because it came about that whipped cream shenanigans created a situation which allowed me to see (mini) crisis problem-solving in action and she insisted on playing Jenga which brought to light some other things. Ahem. Anyway. It sounds particularly cunty to say this, but these days E only asks me to lunch or coffee to ask me about K. We are friends, but I can't really say that we have anything much in common to talk about or do than that and there hasn't been movement on either side to expand the situation. E and K are estranged. On this occasion, E asked me to see pictures of her (estranged) grandchildren on Facebook. I didn't feel comfortable with this and have, besides, removed Facebook from my home screen because I am a doom-scroller yup that's what I am. But anyway, as always, I am concerned about E and this time the reasons are these:
- She offered to pay for my order despite a text conversation less than ten minutes earlier in which I'd asked if she wanted something and she'd responded that she did and indicated what coffee beverage that was. Possible confounding factor: a friend of hers happened to be there at the same time. Fronting because that's the social expectation and we can't deviate from the script? Maybe. But she did repeat the offer 1x despite my telling her, again, that no, I already paid for it. There's also the other confounding factor which is that I am very frequently misunderstood* by almost everyone so there's that 🙄.
- She appears to be unable to remember anything about my life that doesn't 1:1 correspond with her life (e.g., she cannot remember what I am studying or the degree I am getting despite this not having changed in ~5 consecutive years if we count the time I spent getting prerequisites despite our having a conversation about it consistently every ~6 months, cannot remember about my MIL's neurological diagnosis despite this 100% coming in conversation a few times before, but she can remember our single conversation about S and addiction and all that).
- Her difficulty with conversation that deviates from a previously-established type of script (e.g., saying the same things she's always said to/about me; unable to respond to verbal prompts of escalating specificity to assist in identifying another friend she has; difficulty answering questions specific to exact towns she's going to on an upcoming trip - and don't get me wrong I, too, have difficulty with these things due to depression and CPTSD and so-forth. I think they're a red flag for me too, honestly. I'm just kind of on the lookout for dementia/late-onset Alzheimers because it runs so rampant in my family).
- Hand tremors. This is new. And there are approximately a million reasons why someone might be experiencing hand tremors (including "We don't know!" and Parkinson's - but the volume of her voice isn't reduced and I don't see a shuffling gait so that's good), but onset appears to have been fairly recent (since August) and she doesn't seem to be concerned about it. It did profoundly affect her ability to play Jenga, however, and she wasn't really picking up what I was putting down as far as maybe using a pencil as an adaptive tool since she says that she has no trouble holding a paintbrush.
- Chipping away at Love is Blind: Ohio here and there; it's less that I like it and more that it demands nothing of me. And I want to be able to have thoughts and participate in conversations if/when they come up. Every once in a while I'll see something and realize: Oh no. That's me. I have said that and done that. And cringe heavily and self-reflect for a bit. I also recently had to do a presentation on an assessment called the Life Balance Inventory (LBI) so I am a little crossed up re: LIB and LBI. I could have made a lil' joke about it during the presentation, but I am le tired these days even though I am much more lax about the caffeine thing this pregnancy. 100-150 mg/day @ 29 weeks. Woo? Woo.
- Remember the stock market crash of 1929? Yeah. I am concerned about 2029. Based on nothing in particular - except for everything. You know? Everything.
- I am tired of formatting slide decks, but I need to clock at least 37 hours a week, and it helps me get there. So I am trying to channel my inner middle-schooler who was super into graphic design in the 90s. Other things she was super into: Wheel of Time and elaborate fan casting of the same, filk, etiquette books from like the 70s, Cadfael and Agatha Christie murder mysteries, P.G. Wodehouse, Douglas Adams, Star Trek novels, Star Wars novels, writing bad fiction about a family that lived on another planet or in space or something called the Syr Daryas, writing bad fan-fiction about Jonny Quest the 90s version and JAG of all things, the Golden Age of Hollywood, The Pretender with Andrea Parker and that one guy, The Avengers with John Steed and Emma Peel and, of course, bridal magazines. The Mac shareware game sampler CDs were pretty lit also! I was never smart enough for Myst, though. Maybe these days. ...maybe not 👀👀
Dreams. Skip if you can't know how to hear about...DREAMS:
- Three nights ago: dreams about being electrocuted - from a bird's-eye view. I was walking in the snow with L, pulling her in a sled I believe. We both had snow gear on and it was somewhat dark outside but not entirely. There were powerlines and a wire fence. I walked on ahead a little and a pole toppled with the wires falling on top of me. I don't think I died? L seemed safe.
- Two nights ago: I dreamed that I accidentally tore open my uterus from the inside so that there was an open flap on the front of my body. It didn't hurt, but when I flipped it open, it revealed an internal organ. I was going to the emergency room (S and L were driving me), but we stopped at a house on the way. I went inside (unsure why) and T's mom was there. I don't really remember what she looks like, but it felt like his mom. She said his grandmother had just died, and her body was lying on a couch in the bedroom and she needed help with...something. Setting up for something or cleaning up in preparation for people coming over? Something like that. I remember telling S that I needed to wait on going to the emergency room because I needed to stay here and help T's mom. That's about it.
- Dream-wise: the night before last I dreamt about La and R from undergraduate. Unsure why they're showing up in my dreams other than that they're diametrically opposed perspective-wise and I more typically read the things La posts on Facebook, and more typically wonder what R is up to since she doesn't post as much. Plus R's back story with her husband is wildly more MAGA overall. Remind me to tell you about it sometime. Unless you already know because I already told you? I don't know. Cut me some slack, I'm old!
- Last night I dreamt I was moving a couch with someone from humanist church who I don't know very well, but think she has a Futurama tattoo on her right shoulder and didn't ask her about it IRL because I get very overwhelmed in church and people typically don't come up and talk to me during the "greet your neighbors" portion, and it's become a bit of an anxiety cycle if I'm honest. Everyone else but me can people. Fuck. Anyway, we moved the couch as well as a bookcase and all was well. Her new house is a treehouse (in the dream)!
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