Year of the Horse (neigh)

• Vague emo/BPD thoughts that should be therapized: I just don’t want to keep losing ground like this. One step forward, a thousand steps back. If every truth I have sounds like a criticism, not really sure what the point is? Keep my mouth shut and my vulnerabilities to myself. I’ll get it someday. 
• I still have my library card number memorized.
• There was a point at which I was worried that I wouldn't be hired for a shelving job at the library here because I'm so terrible at returning books on time. I thought they'd look at my account and be like: nope. Doesn't have her shit together. No shelving job for her! Reader, they hired me anyway. I decided not to take the job because it didn't come with health insurance and I felt responsible maintaining it for S. I wonder how different my life would have been if I had. I'd probably be a librarian by now. And that wouldn't be so bad. Or would it? Unclear. T-minus 3 months away from my clinical doctorate.
• I do strongly believe that libraries/librarians are going to save us all. As a matter of fact maybe I should have tried to do the publicly-available free OT series I've been trying to do with site 2 at the library instead. Because they just haven't had the bandwidth to publicize the ish I'm doing/trying to do (to my knowledge) at all. Which is understandable for a variety of factors, but frustrating. One of my mentors has said that as long as I'm doing my part that's all that matters (for the grade). But it's still annoying.
• <<rant>> Fresh on my mind due to convos with one of L's friend's parents yesterday: the school district is on the rocks here, and that's fairly predictable. They haven't increased the base student allotment (I think that's the term) since about ten years ago, and have been shutting down/threatening to shut down schools for the past three years. At L's former school they're eliminating three teaching positions and that doesn't work for the structure of the school at all. It's all combined grades with one teacher per classroom anyway and highly dependent on parent involvement. Oh, they're also talking about going with a "regional model" (?) for school nurses which...doesn't work. Like at all. From a safety standpoint. At L's current school in Fall of last year alone they had three incidences in which it was needed to call for a damn ambulance and how are you going to have a K-12 with no school nurses. Put all the med management and shit on the teachers? The only reason that kind of worked at the child development center I worked at was through a bunch of monitoring, having two teachers per classroom at any given time, and specific training including maintaining CPR certification and a med administration course. Oh, and it was at a hospital so there was that extra layer of security. Is the district going to cough up for any of that? No? At L's current school they're also going to be adding four children per classroom and eliminating the security position should nothing change budget-wise. And like, I'm sure it's hard/bad everywhere except for New England and the PNW (maybe), but damn, Alaska. Why do you hate kids so much? <</rant>>
• Other things that are lowkey stressing me out in that looming kind of way: 
• my school changing my graduation date after I've bought tickets to Omaha; by one day, but that one day was...impactful. I sorted it out, but still!
• not having summer camps sorted out - or even really knowing if I can afford to send L to summer camp this year? Assuming S is going to say sending her to summer camp is stupid?
• having to push back my c-section date by three days because: weekends. Is she even going to stay in that long on her own? She feels...big. Although that would put her on Star Wars Day so that's kind of cool. I would feel much more joyous about that at a different time in my life. Hopefully Past Clara can appreciate it.
• Epstein/Trump everything
• ICE everything
• Boards - which I am taking in late June. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.
• Job hunting; this should be a huge issue, but I am torn between betting on PSLF being a thing and prioritizing applying at those places, and the potential for free daycare. Save ~$24,000 over the course of 5 years and be locked in at one place (assuming everything else stays stable - which I actually don't) and then start the 10-year PSLF process meaning 15 years of paying on student loans or eat the cost and potentially be closer to PSLF if that's even still a thing at that point if I'm even still in the US at that point.