Had my first bottom to top good shift at Starbucks since I rebooted. No muss no fuss felt okay, times were fine made people laugh (my currency)?
Continuing to try self-therapizing through here and voice note app in my car while driving. Because that's basically EMDR, right? The scanning eye movement, the nearly getting into wrecks? Yes?
A lot has changed as far as how Christmas is "supposed" to go. Being a stepparent has changed a lot, too. Eight years ago I would feel obligated to do all the things and haul the boys all the places but as it stands I'm jus like: eh. They want to rest. I need to rest. I already did little holiday things with L. It still feels like the family is a pie chart and one chart is L and me, another slice is L and N, another is S, N & M...hold up. Maybe it's more like a Venn diagram. Maybe this is how all families are, though.
I notice little flickers of something when plans change or don't involve my input. But I've been consciously letting these go. It's not that I don't matter. And/or maybe I don't, homes! That's okay. I'm here for the pizza and the kids.
Anyway. Christmas crackers: I wish I'd ordered them this year, but also can't seem to muster up fucks to give.
Christmas movies keep getting turned off by S when he gets home. I get it. I can't seem to get muster up the strength of will to make everyone sit and watch a Christmas movie together.
I assume S is waiting for me to ask him what, if anything, he plans to do with the beds in the office at which point he will yell at me or pretend as though he didn't realize it was on him to do anything about it. Will that be the last straw? I don't know.
The problem is that regardless of when or why things reach a breaking point, there has to be a how to coparent afterwards. Things are not working as is so they should work especially not well after. He's just not that sort of person. And I need lots of oversight and possibly medication to be that person.
An episode of Where Should We Begin? (I am not sure I should italicize a podcast name; I am not stopping to look it up) deals with a couple who divorced and are getting along so well under the separation that they are considering getting back together. Most of the details escape me, but at one point I think Ester asks one of them if getting divorced gave them the relationship she'd always hoped they would have. And I truly do think for a lot of women...divorce is the only thing that gets the male half of their particular heterosexual couples to step up and do half of the caregiving. Because it's court-mandated that they do so.
To be clear I do not predict that this is what will happen in my case. I have few predictions around it, but one I see vividly and often is S and M living together in a bachelor pad playing Xbox until 2:00 AM.
How about you. Where do you see yourself in five years?
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