I think we're just going to take the kids "entertaining" each other as an indication that I should take a minute for this nonsense. Right? Right.
First (of this round) of couples therapy last night; I feel like we have a good therapist. so nervous right before the appointment. Two homework assignments, one more directed at me one more directed at him. There are loads and loads and loads of stuff we didn't get to. But I'm sure, in 18 more sessions, we'll get to them.
Did you know there's a white raven in Anchorage at the moment? You've probably seen the news stories. It's leucitic not albino and that's very rare apparently. Ravens are also not racist at all, it seems like. Which is good.
Did a Big Organize yesterday in the living room and L's room which somehow took the whole day. Had trouble sleeping last night. Maybe because of the full moon, maybe because I never got around to leaving the house yesterday. Especially in the winter I feel like I need to take a fucking walk, or go somewhere, or get an endorphin once a day. I think of my grandparents and how they went on walks in the evenings. It might just be the nostalgia, but the Back Then seems so much more wholesome.
Crossword puzzles, evening walks, collecting cans and smushing them for recycling. Sitting on the front porch and waving at neighbors. ...but of course - not that simple.
This year I ran out of willpower to exert to get the rest of the family to do anything holiday-related. Or maybe I just listened to them more? But there were no holiday movies. Or, if there were, they typically got shut off by S towards the beginning of the middle.
Christmas itself was nice. I was able to get everything ready for everyone except the Barbie Dreamhouse, which S handled and put together. L didn't make any noises about not getting a Furby for Christmas. The Elf on the Shelf disappeared and my MIL outdid herself with dinner. I almost got to go totally late to Christmas dinner but then that was redirected. Oh well. No Christmas nap for me this year! Maybe next year.
And what will Christmas look like next year? What do I want it to look like?
We're going through all this in large part because I don't want to lose custody of my daughter for half the time. I know the conventional wisdom is not to "stick it out just because of the kids" but to me the kids are the whole point of this relationship.
S was going on a bit last night about how things would be less stressful if we didn't have kids (cap). And I nodded because I'm not interested in setting things on fire right now (or, hopefully, ever) but - we wouldn't be together at all if it weren't for the kids. As far as the boys go I obviously had some stuff to work out regarding my older half-brother and how all that went down. As far as L went, I was dead set on having a child at that point in my life. And if S had really really really not wanted to participate in that we would not be together at all.
Life was not so much better back then. He said he feels like being in a family and having responsibilities made him feel like he had to show up for them/us the implication being that he'd rather his days be free and easy.
Which doesn't sound so great to me. Honestly. And then he went into his bit about how I "have to put myself through things and he wishes I didn't and my decisions affect the family negatively" again. *sigh*
I've been working pretty minimally, but at least 16 hours per week for the most part. Bar is getting faster and it's a nice way to sort of get out and see the world get free coffee and bully myself into some sort of physical movement. Whatever works, I guess.
One of the OT2s is letting me rent most of the textbooks I need for next semester and it looks like I can get most of the rest of them off Chegg so - score! I also need to figure out how many classes I need scrubs for next semester. I found one set at Value Village that kind of match, but I should probably have a "nice" set as well. Hopefully Figs will have some sort of new year sale soon.
Started replaying Pentiment in hour-long-chunks and reading Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. New podcast is Go Touch Grass. <3
Ciao, Bella.
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