Just had a dream (three days ago) I want to hold onto; but it's already slipping away. Something about understanding the first and last concepts he was talking about but not the middle. Then, just talking. A little edged with awkwardness but almost like old times.
S's company party was Saturday night. Out of nowhere he decided to get a hotel room at the Captain Cook and go hang out at the bar at Simon and Seafort's. It was...weird. And nice. I put the work in to be social and charming (I think?) despite working at 5:30 the next morning. But it was just...strange. The juxtaposition of a beautiful corner room. The view of the ocean and city. And no intimacy. No sex. No cuddling. Some conversation, but not really. S being very very drunk the entire time. And staring into my eyes. I feel like/felt like crying. I almost always feel like crying lately.
File under reasons I think I might be borderline. And comfort myself with the reasons why I'm probably feeling like this: CHRONIC stress, not taking your vitamins, no SAD light, too much change, not enough endorphins, not feeling like a self, finding more and more gray hairs, not being able to pull the trigger on self-care, not really having friends that I can carve out time and be transparent with.
Usually I just go ahead and cry. Pixar movies are a good cover. Top tip.
I suppose I'm still friends with K. But I don't really want to get into it with her. Partly because she has a lot going on (drama-wise) and partly because the sheer nuance of my life hasn't historically been something she's been able to.... I don't know. I think I took her advice in situations where it did not apply, if that makes sense? Or even if it doesn't. And that's on me! For taking the advice! *sigh*
The boys arrived Saturday afternoon. It was good to see them - it kind of dissipates some of the tension and it's so good for L to be around her brothers. She freaking loves it. We went sledding yesterday and they made some POV phone videos. Check that out, I guess?
I think S drank a bottle-and-a-half of red wine and nearly an entire bottle of whisky last night? And vaped indica pretty consistently throughout the day? Maybe I should start tracking amounts. I'm only mentioning because it seemed substantial and this is a good a place to record as any.
And because there are certain types of neurocognitive disorders that are associated with chronic excessive alcohol consumptions thank you for coming to my TED talk.
But anyway, he went to sleep a little before 8:00 (makes sense; see above). Odd thing was he was letting N sleep on an office chair? Instead of pulling out the couch? And is arranging for M to sleep at Mid and Gary's versus figuring out the mattress situation in the office?
I'm afraid to bring it up.
The specific part of the brain that handles audio processing is located in the temporal lobe. I think about this when I'm at work or just flat doing something that requires me to focus because typically I hum or sing or talk about what I'm doing. I feel like a bird chattering to itself. But perhaps the deal with this is that my prefrontal cortex needs this nudge from the temporal lobe to get going. And I do what I gotta do.
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