Riding In My Fiat. You Really Ought to See It!

 I thought I was supposed to have therapy today through Lyra - like an intake appointment sort of thing as a precursor to couples therapy. But…no? But the therapist does not seem to be a one to answer direct questions via email or offer detailed instructions. So I’m spent my first real day of Winter Break in the following manner leading up to now:

- the usual morning stuff (breakfast, showers, move the elf, make lunch for Leels, etc.); except for that I thought I’d finish Tim Allen’s The Santa Claus before going to school. And it made me realize that Tim Allen has actually had a huge impact on me and I don’t know as that I like that.*

- listening to podcasts I already subscribe to but searching for the word “divorce” and seeing what pops up. Really what I want to know is WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? That’s the most relevant piece for me as I consider what is and the future, etc. I mean, survival? Sure. But aside from that: how do we do this** with the least negative impact to Leels? And while I’m sure there are better resources to investigate than The Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast interviewing extremely candid adults about How They Viewed Their Parents’ Divorce and Related Behaviors…uh…there might not be?

- putting the list of books I compiled to read over winter break on hold at the library while watching that one twin flames cult documentary. Monetizing human connection! Huzzah.

- chores while catching up on (a) lectures (no ess actually).

- a yoga class*** with an oddly aggressive instructor.

- picking up car parts finally****. Woo! Then hustling my ass down to the school just in case I did have a telehealth appointment that I’d have to finish directly before picking up Leels…. Which I appear not to. Hm.

- so: journaling.

- oh! I also had a dream last night that I was driving through Mississippi last night for some reason and Leels was staying with family. I was on the highway and I got a text from T saying, “So excited!” Followed by a picture of an airline reservation for August 6th. So that’s where my subconscious is at, apparently.

- my tests went…pretty good? I was super happy about Neuroanatomy and less thrilled with Health Conditions, but ya girl got As and Bs so I will shut my mouth from saying anything but THANK YOU. And possibly: SWISH. Although it wasn’t swish, not at all, I studied my ass off for real.

- and now I get to put the pieces of my house back together and do all the things I’ve been pressing snooze on. 

- speaking of: Tuesday was the most recent eruption and it was about my car and how I don’t take care of it. The premise is fair! But I do not need to get yelled at about it! Or told that I do not listen to anything S says! One or more of my tires was low on air. Winter roads, fluctuating temperatures. Okay. Makes sense. And had been for a while. Not a good look. I agree. My feeling is that being as how I have a job, finals, and am in charge of child stuff generally, grocery shopping and the cleaning that does get done, all type of shit like that will get shunted to the next available slot for maintenance that being today. So Clara, why wouldn’t you just ask your husband for help? Such a good question! 🙋‍♀️ On a fundamental level - I don’t know! On more superficial levels however - because he has a piss-poor attitude about it! And that’s a momism from my mom and no I’m not going to elaborate on that right now.  However it is at such a level that I would rather, yes, take the l than deal with his nonsense about task-asking. *sigh* Anyway I do pretty great at staying calm anymore, but not so great at masking that I’m sooooooooo grateful he took care of it (although of course I am a bit, because ultimately he DID take care of it) because I just don’t have it in me anymore and because he is a hundred percent going to weaponize it sooner or later. It’s not how I perceive my dad taking care of things for my mom (although I’m not positive he didn’t do this too); it’s like a mind game where he does the laundry for two days and all of a sudden starts whining about how he’s DOING IT but HE’S TIRED he WORKS OUTSIDE and has PHYSICALLY DEMANDING JOB and I know how mean it sounds? But it’s been a near-decade of this nonsense. No one has asked you to do shit, my guy. Because why? Because see the weaponization tax. No one hast run out of clothes. ‘‘tis not an emergency. Also, as far as I know, there is no reason for you not to get a different, less physically demanding job.

- oy. The slings and arrows of mundane fortune. 

* I have distinct memories of watching Home Improvement as a child, Jill going back to school, Wilson comparing going to grad school into looking into a microfilm projector for some number of years, watching Jungle 2 Jungle…just: a lot of Tim Allen lives rent-free in my head and I’m not here for it.

** “this” could be a variety of things. But divorce could definitely be one of them! I’m sure not as patient or compassionate as I used to be and arguably I was never much of either so 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s probably just going to come down to things like safety and stability and the child.

*** I want to shoehorn myself back into my body so I’m trying to do one organized group fitness class a day on my break. We’ll see’s.

**** windshield wiper blade, rear signal lights and jumper cables because: why not. The man helping me was extremely irritated but he appeared to have some resting tremors so I’ll cut him a break. Low dopamine probs.