I'm taking a few minutes to journal. As a treat. Finals week! Woo! There are really only two that are Emergent and the rest are filed under: maybe we do this the day of.
Either in despite or because of everything that's happened in my life I still draw a tarot card every day. Today's was The Chariot. Typically this means that people (and in particular S) will be kind of shit-start-y. And yes! So far that does seem to be the case.
When strangers who want their coffee are shit-start-y it's generally like water off a duck's back. Like getting upset over scanning devices and me hearing them and adjusting but then trying to pivot a conversation where I have a small anecdote about meeting someone who claimed to design self-checkouts but okay Michael. I can also just give you your coffee. I learn a little something, you learn a little nothing by your own choice.
But when S is shit-start-y I just shut down.
And I feel...well...frustrated with myself a bit about this. In relationships (generally) I don't so much deal with anything. I haven't ever rebounded from partner to partner like a ricocheting water bear but I do tend to stay in situations too long or not long enough and just generally don't handle my shit.
S was getting frustrated last night because I didn't get home before 4:30 to make dinner and needed to finish a project that was due. Also start that same project. He just doesn't fuck with parallel play, I guess? Is the problem that he's too neurotypical and I'm not neurotypical enough? Anyway, he went to "bed" early. And got up early today too. And started a conversation about how his dad said L was "giving him attitude" (I assume at dropoff yesterday?) without many details. And then gave me angry eyes about my coat selection for work (probably too short? But I'm definitely not getting into it about clothing with him again).
Just...it's always something. Before it was school it was me not being "present" and "happy" enough or not putting enough effort into things.... And now it's all about me being selfish and how selfish I am. Which could very well be true. I have a rich inner life and probably have pendulum-ed back pretty hard from my childhood and young adolescence and also have a fair amount of fight-flight-flee going on at any given time. So.
But I fantasize about starting a TikTok specifically so that I can go through my daily routine bit-by-bit but preface each task with how selfish I am. And then having someone else do a tally at the end of the day.
- Here I am using urinating selfishly! And selfishly deciding not to bring more toilet paper upstairs because I'm the only one with a vagina who uses the upstairs bathroom, there are wet wipes already there, and everybody knows where the toilet paper is!
- Here I am selfishly doing homework for 40 minutes on the couch after chugging a redbull.
- I'm selfishly doing the dishes! Watch out!
- Ope. Selfishly packed my child lunch and a snack and wrote her a lil' note!!
- Selfishly pulled a tarot card for the day. Chariot!
- Selfishly got dressed for work, brushed teeth and even threw on a little mascara. Watch out! I selfishly wore the one warm kind of fits jacket I have for work also.
- I drove to work all selfishly and was selfishly on time.
...I mean, you get the idea. Also I won't do that. I just think it would be funny to do that.
But I think that's about it. I will look forward to a tense dinner tonight and some sort of stern talking to about "attitude". I will probably touch base with the in-laws about specifics before talking to L because "attitude" probably means about as much to her as when people say things like "uppity" and "you're throwing it in my face" to me. Which is: a lot of nothing followed by a bunch of question marks.
Throwing it in your face. Sheesh. I'm citing you as a reference to you! Lawd.
Okay, bye. Wish me luck!
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