I don't feel like there's much to say right now. And I also feel like that's a lie. I've just been working hard at surviving. I've been surfing a few different waves of grief this season. This series of seasons. And...this is just another one, I guess. At least nobody's actually died! ...yet.
I've been driving out to the Mat-Su Valley every day this week - today was the third. Every morning from home to the lap of the mountains. It feels like a little escape and so beautiful. The town isn't much to look at, honestly, but...the mountains. The bald eagle that I saw flying on the way home yesterday and perched on a tree today. The little river with cabins built right on the edge. The transition from Anchorage to mountains.
My fieldwork educator looks like, I've decided, a female version of Sean Penn. Which is amazing - but I feel like I keep getting lost in her gray eyes while she explains things to me. And then thinking about the body of works of Sean Penn (Milk! This Must Be the Place!). And remembering how he was married to Robin Wright at one point. And then made her change her name to Robin Wright-Penn. Which is extraordinarily silly. You cannot own Robin Wright with a hyphen, you silly goose! Sean Penn: Gaia's silliest goose.
The kids have been great, the teachers and therapists have been great. They always are. Therapists are, by and large, The Best and Really Want to Help. I think if they didn't, they probably wouldn't be taking on fieldwork students. It seems like a pretty nice place to work, but I sort of doubt I want to do that for my first five years? But maybe! The schedule: she's pretty nice. And if you've ever had to deal with the shitstorm that is scheduling around two-to-five different schedules, then you know. You Know.
I'm so tired I feel like I just want to lie in a pool listening to music meant to jumpstart my brain into making the good hormones. I want to pull of by the side of the road and take a lil' nap on the way to or from Palmer. I want to wrap myself in the coziest blanket in the Hygge-est cabin and just melt into some Sleep & Sorcery soundscape and never been seen again. Really go cozy-feral - you know? Because shit has been very much not slay lately.
I haven't been writing publicly because, although there's a lot to process, I haven't been able to pull it out through my fingertips and make it make sense. There are lots of unpublished blogs. Don't worry. They're not oriented to self, time and place, though. ...if that makes sense. Maybe do worry. Just kidding - don't.
The last week has been full of ultimatums. Rage. Sadness. My consciousness is stretched between when S needs me and when L needs me and when school needs me. And actually? Due directly to S not knowing how to even spell the word boundary over the weekend, I had three late assignments. Most uncool.
I didn't even fucking get to finish work on Sunday. And was strung out because of waking up at 1:30 AM on Sunday. Then the texts at work. The crying a work. The asking to leave work early and that working out but not being able to eat until the late morning because of how that impacted breaks. Then the mediated negotiations. The (possibly) last phone call with T. The more crying in the kitchen to California Stars by Wilco. The picking L up. The joy of having her home with me after not having had her for a while. The her telling me that her dad woke her up early in the morning because he wanted to bring her here to see if she knew the code to open my old phone.
I don't know, man. It's all been too much. Silver lining: S is in AA now, apparently? We're going to try nesting out next week. I'm not sure exactly how it's going to work because it's spring break and so I'll probably still have L during the day, I'll just be...spending the night at my parents' I guess? I'll treat it like a vacation.
But yeah. I am still alive. I feel like someone is kneeling on my chest. My head kind of throbs. Is it allergies? The grief? Am I getting sick? Can things just be fucking okay for once?
And I still do not understand why I have to give up a person I love to prove that I'm committed to my family. I just don't. Blame it on the neurodiversity. There's more to unpack, but I am, as per that one sentence earlier, tired and have to write a little more tonight for school stuff.
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