It finally decided to snow yesterday after a winter of...not much of that white stuff. I hear tell my dad came over yesterday and cleared the driveway, which was nice of him. This time of year I tend to just wait and see if it's going to melt. Which it typically does! So that's good.*
Today is day 7 of Escitalopram and so far it just feels a little being...high? Which is a bit silly. Isn't that what I was trying to AVOID? Idk. Kind of nauseous. Hard to sequence with any type of urgency. But being slammed on bar yesterday felt better...less anxiety-inducing? And that's the point, I guess. Keep that serotonin in the synaptic cleft, boi. Don't stop doing the things that make the serotonin, though.
I do feel different. Kind of...concussed? And kind of like. Hm. Remember when I wrote about "say the third thing"? I don't remember exactly when I said it - but I think I did. And I think it often. But SSRIs have taken the steering wheel and I am saying the second thing. I am not yet sure if this is good or bad.
It's also harder to sequence cognitive tasks which isn't great; my executive function is not amazing at the best of times so I'm not really sure I can take the hit right now. But everything does seem softer, further away, and not such a big deal. I tolerated taking L to three playdates at six different venues on Friday without flipping out which is a ginormous win. Was I timely in getting to any of them? Not really. I did get to work on time today, though, which is a good sign, generally.
I have about 7 shifts left at Starbucks which makes me sad. I will miss it. It's really nice feeling competent in this one specific way. But I'll need to worry less about repetitive motion injuries now! Yay, I guess.
S left town last night which has been...fine? I'm worried about L more than anything at the moment. She's...sad. She can't exactly articulate how she feels. She talks about being tired and not wanting to be physically active which is...kind of concerning? But she still has the attention stuff going on and isn't actively sick. She freaked out over a fire drill this morning and has a lot of anger/irritability generally. Last night was St. Patrick's Day (as you know) and I had three assignments due.
I got 'em done, but at the price of being a trash parent and letting her just kind of veg out and watch Aphmau on YouTube (if you know, you know). After being done with the first two I made shamrock ravioli and salad and started introducing the idea that I might want to watch Darby O'Gill and the Little People. Is it a good movie? No. Is it from the time in Disney studio production when accents were kind of whatever and green screens were The Way? Yes. Do I have a nostalgic connection to it and screen at least part of it every St. Patrick's Day come hell or high water? You bet your sweet ass I do. Especially since it's available on the Disney+ app now.
Well, she had a hard time with it, so much so that she started whining and trying to hide the remote from me, yelling a little and sniping at me. All of that? Fine. Feelings? Exist. Yup, sucks that I don't want to watch Aphmau right now. Yup, we're taking turns anyway. Yup, you're an only child most of the time. Yup, yup, yup. However. She never really admitted to feeling angry, sad or irritated. She was just like, "I'm fine. I feel good!" Which is concerning. Because, my sibling in Christ (the man not the God), she was absolutely not fine. It reminded me vaguely of all the times I've had preschoolers who would be weeping, screaming, and thrashing about whilst loudly protesting that "I'm fine! I'm not sad, I'm fine! I'm not angry, I'm fine!"
In conclusion: the fuck she doesn't need therapy. She does. And she doesn't learn well directly from due to needing me to co-regulate. And, apparently, that's just the way the cookie crumbles at the moment. thing are slowly moving in a better direction re: family planning (by which I do not mean having more kids), but at the end of most interactions I feel mostly exhausted by the whole dynamic. The meds have been helping a bit, but they also feel like I'm just waiting for my brain to stabilize. And in the meantime I am doing The Bare Minimum albeit while not freaking out.
K accidentally surprised me at work yesterday and invited me to a ladies' sleepover on Saturday, and I think I'm going to go! I need to connect more with people in my life, even if it feels like I'm looking at them through approximately eleven feet of water.
Anyway, I hope you got through The Ides okay. Nobody has yet got assassinated this month down my way! This St. Patrick's was the first day I celebrated St. Patrick's without leaving hard liquor outside for the fairy folk. Been watching lots of The Good Place and season four of Mythic Quest in lieu of anything productive. I don't have an ending, but must try to do a couple of more emergent things before I clock on!
*In the days following this paragraph it continued to snow; it's snowing now! I guess you're really never out of the woods when it comes to snow. Alaska, etc.
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