The Us. Uj. Usj?

 I had to review my last post to see What Was Up despite it just being...what...four days later? Something.

Anyway, remember how there was all that cleaning over the weekend and going out for dinner? Well, that devolved into Miscommunication City. Which is not where anyone wants to live or even visit. *sigh*

Among the things that happened were the following:

- S thought that he'd made it clear that he wanted to hang out after dinner. I said yes but it flat out just did not process that he meant spend the night. So, of course, I was embarrassed and had the brain adjustment period and while S was accepting in the moment the fact that I a) misunderstood him b) had a feeling about him spending the night c) let him do it anyway became a huge issue the next day.

- I didn't get much sleep because it just wasn't what I was planning on and I still have a pretty strong physical reaction to trying to sleep when he's around at night! Remember the plan about I, Claudius and Love Is Blind? Yeah! I was looking forward to that, because S hasn't so much been spending weekends with our daughter lately so much as being 5,000% all up in my business. [It's the whole classic insecure attachment/dismissive avoidant attachment hot mess situation. I think?]

- As a result I was up at the crack of 4:30 and S was up already folding clothes and wanting to talk. I am very tired of talking. He went to an AA meeting early in the morning and picked up L so we could go to a church service at 10:00 AM. (I want to try to get involved in the Unitarian community if it seems like a good fit; it's kind of a preexisting political thing.)

- This is where the second misunderstanding came into play: I thought he was talking about the Unitarian Church when he described the service and also said that the service at 10:00 AM was more "secular". Bestie, it was a Lutheran church and not at all secular except insomuch as the (AFAB) pastor mentioned supporting trans and queer siblings one single, solitary time during the sermon. Which was very much oriented around that time Jesus wanted to Peter to go back out and fish and he was not all about it but lo - it was the right thing to do.

- This would all be well and good if I were not a) stressed as balls due to i.) being tired from the week ii.) not getting sleep the night before and iii.) expectations being unintentionally unmet b) toting around church trauma as we all do. And listen - part of that trauma includes automatically disassociating when I sit down in a church and just kind of zoning out until it's time to check back in but wait you can't actually do that when you're halfway supervising your 6-year-old during the service.

- And so, when we left I was just fucking knackered. Done fucking done with the whole situation. The church? Beautiful. The people? So nice! L? Had a great time! However now S became distressed because I guess either at no point before or during the service did he realize that I was getting nonverbal and distressed or maybe he was and just wanted me to speak up about it? Idk. But I didn't. 

- We had a meeting with my parents planned for later in the day and he says something to the effect of, "You don't have to do it if you don't want to." I say I think we should still do it because they're expecting us and text them to schedule for 3:00 PM. Fine.

- Initially S was pretty supportive and asked me if I wanted to eat or go home. I didn't know. He said he would drop me off at home and went on to take L to McDonald's. I think I asked if I could come? He said he didn't think the screaming kids would be a good fit right now. Fair. Okay. So I decide I want to try to take a nap. The plan becomes: incense for centering, food for unfucking my brain, a nap, and then folding clothes while watching The Good Place. Okay, so I have nearly finished my nap when S bursts into the bedroom and wants to go talk to my parents right that minute because "I'm Going Through Something" and he's worried about me.

- Okay. While this could be construed as positive and supportive we went from me not having to do things I don't want to do because I'm overwhelmed to let's go talk to the people who are the reason you have all these big feelings around church in the first place right now with no prep. This is also a phrase he trots out whenever I am going through something but he doesn't...want to help me or be actually supportive in ways that are actionable or involve him just Letting Me Do My Methods I've Developed Over Time? We'd had a conversation just that morning about how he doesn't know how to help me when I'm Overwhelmed! To which I said, "Well, just help me out with chores [the topic at the time] and be supportive. Helping with the chores helps, texting me that I'm doing a good job helps...just words of affirmation and helping out with chores is very helpful." Disrupting the shit I'm trying to do to regulate myself less than two hours after having told me to take all the time I need and that no, he didn't want to come back earlier than 3:00 PM, he just wanted me to take time to rest...feels completely undermining, no?

- So I say hell to the no we can't just go over without asking first (I am the whitest white of white ladies) so I call them and sure enough - they're eating lunch and need 20 minutes. Great. I just continue with the next part of my plan and put some laundry away while watching The Good Place because - what the fuck else is there to do? S just sits downstairs and...thinks, I guess? When it's been 20 minutes I come downstairs and find my big-ass planner because to the best of knowledge this is supposed to be a planning meeting.

- During the meeting the most discussed point is how "Clara Is Going Through Something" and "she needs to stop taking on so much" and that "when he came over on Saturday the house was in disarray" and "that means she's not okay". ...okay? His point with all this was that I need to quit my job! Right now! It's AlL tOo MuCh. ...and maybe it is? But I'd bet five dollars or maybe even more that it would be a lot less too much if my spouse would just fucking support me and give my neurodiverse ass two seconds to regulate itself!* 

- My parents generally did not understand why he was upset with me (...because they are the people who raised me to do things like Take On a Lot to Maintain the Status Quo and not leave during a church service because that is rude, especially when people are being very nice and you are seated in the front) and he ended up feeling ganged up on. They also backed me up when I was like, "No, I'm not quitting my job right this minute, you agreed to end of March. That's what we're doing."

- Point being we figured out what we needed to figure out for scheduling and went home. At which point we somehow got into a conversation where he kept telling me he felt ganged up on (because my parents got tired of talking about me and my health concerns*** and asked him if he had any plans to address his health concerns outside of AA) and pushing me about...I don't even know. I can't remember. I do know I got sad enough to not be able to stop crying. I took a walk and came back. We were doing "nesting" this week in which means I was supposed to spend the night at my parents' house for the entire week. So that's what I ended up doing.

- I slept well on Sunday night and ended up running all the errands on Monday (dentist, doctor, mortgage broker), and got some bad news re: my goal of moving closer to L's school. Because I am quitting Starbucks I will not have any income at all for the next...what...year? So I can't buy anything. Or rent anything. Frustrating, but not the end of the world because I own my current home. And this is one reason I wanted to own my home in the first place - so I could have flexibility to do shit like got back to school without worrying about continuity of employment! So at least that's good. 

- But I find myself bumping up against this whole process of compromise. Remember that big ol' list from before? To me it seems like I am the one compromising for the most part. Things I want or need are systematically dismantled even if they're agreed to in the moment. And even that, I suppose, isn't really fair - but it is a feeling. S eliminating alcohol and marijuana is a Big Deal - and it doesn't address some other underlying stuff. Going to therapy (for S) is a Big Deal. And that's not nothing. And there's also the piece where I probably asked for an overwhelming amount of things...because I've been sitting on these wants/needs/expectations for a long time and trying to reconfigure myself to fit and accommodate. But I can't really do that anymore.

- I bring all that up because he'd initially agreed to moving closer to L's school. And then, about a week later, got cold feet. No, he doesn't want to see what we'd be able to afford together (probably wise; there's too much in flux right now, and who knows how this is going to go? He initially refused to find another job to be able to help with school pickups and dropoffs, and although he's promising to look into that for the Fall - I don't trust it. He flat out refuses to attend school events or volunteer for Leona's school. And flat-out refused to "let" it be that we can have friends of any gender. 

- I have the felt sense that some or all of this is going to be too much for him to cope with. I don't mean to be accusatory. I just have this vision of a four- or five-year-old S vacillating between what he wants and what he can tolerate; it looks like a lot of stop-and-start physicality. A lot of outbursts. A lot of rage and sadness. A lot of need for someone to help him co-regulate. And maybe that looks like in-the-moment saying "yes" to things he can't really tolerate long-term because it's not what he can genuinely...tolerate. And you know who can understand that? This gal! But, no, that doesn't make it any more functional. Nope.

- As of...Sunday 3/9...he hasn't been able to entirely abide by not verbally criticizing me. To my parents, no less! He doesn't wish to pursue moving closer to L's school, but has started down the mental path of maybe finding a new job (since he's sober now) so that he can drop L off at school in the mornings. He's pushed me changing the timeline of quitting Starbucks (hard no), and hasn't actually dropped L off at figure skating so far, instead shifting this to his dad. He doesn't want L going to therapy. I've compromised on spending time with him versus him spending time with his daughter on weekends and spending the night last night (in the spare bedroom); I've compromised on friendship and when to quit Starbucks. And, no - that's not a lot.

- Anyway. Going to pick up SSRIs today and start reintegrating those because although my feelings are probably valid, I don't want to raw-dog all this. I have to resubmit taxes because I did those in-between Events the past few days and they don't like my PIN (this happens every year and I always have trouble remembering why). I have to call the PFD office or go down there because when I switched my phone number there wasn't enough time to change everything over to my new phone number which means I have to wait on hold for 20 minutes with various agencies to get things switched over versus doing it on a nice lil' portal. We have a playdate scheduled with a neighborhood school friend. I have therapy this afternoon - which would have worked out better if L could have therapy because I had a session scheduled for exactly when I had mine at the same office but no! So she's just going to chill, I guess, while I try to do literally something with the therapist for 50 minutes. And then - Costco! Maybe the gym in there somewhere too.

- And then tomorrow I work a super-long shift, but that's okay. I can probably use the time somehow! Maybe for more of this nonsense. Or catching up on lectures! Maybe examining the one assignment I've gotten super negative feedback on this whole time in grad school. I kind of want to respond to the Disappointed Midwestern Comment with: "Dear Dr. Redacted, I hope this finds you well and you are enjoying the quieter campus that accompanies spring break. I apologize for the quality of this assignment and appreciate the specific, actionable feedback provided. I will take it to heart and integrate this in future - not only for this course, but in the scope of my career going forward. Unfortunately, this semester has seen a sharp increase in "small t" traumatic events including incidences of emotional abuse on the part of my spouse and other disruptive life events requiring immediate attention. While not an excuse, I do believe it important to pass this along and take this as an opportunity to broach the subject of asking if it's okay to reach out to yourself and Dr. Other Redacted to ask for deadline extensions should events like these occur in future. In hopes you might understand, Clara"

- Hope you're doing better than well - hope you're doing the well-est!

*This is probably not fair. He is trying. But what he is succeeding in doing is making me super-irritated which in turn consumes a lot of time and attention which in turn hurts my ability to get as much as I need to from my education**.

**"But Clara! You should spend time and attention on your spouse! Maybe you're a narcissist! Or borderline?" Yes. I don't know. Maybe I am? Or maybe I'm tapped out from this stupid cycle? Because nothing I've ever done so far has had much of an impact on resolving it and it always comes back to me being the problem. And maybe I am. I am just going to end this paragraph by saying it is difficult for me to differentiate between the patriarchy trying to get us all down, however, and my own issues and challenges.

***These consist of mental health and regular aging type stuff and I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for the following day to address this and go to therapy on the regular plus stuff like this.