I did it. I observed for a week in the Palmer school district and it went...fine. I could totally see myself working my first five years someplace like that. And I could also see chafing a bit because of things like the uber-conservative school board and the general vibe of working with teachers. Teachers are lovely (see my last post). Teachers are also Drama. And there are, at times, teachers who are more interested in talking about children with learning or developmental disabilities Respecting Their Authority and making that a real big point during IEP meetings. Woof. And blarg. And barf. No...no thanks. So...good to know! And now I am dealing with the glitter-crash-ness of needing a day to slug around and recuperate and that somehow turning into an Action Day.
I skimmed my last post and don't think I mentioned it there, but S is in AA now and has been attending meetings since...Monday, I think? He's intending on doing the 90 days thing and it's so far been tremendously impactful. Which, I know, things that are New typically are. We have to wait for the boredom to set in. The dopamine to wear off. The first time something happens where he has a conflict with his sponsor or someone in the group, you know? Gotta see what happens then. There's also the piece where I'm not technically sober. I don't really drink more than once a week-ish (sometimes less) anymore, and don't have the 2.5 mg of indica that are all that's necessary for me to zone out because I can't really due to fieldwork, etc. But that is tricky. Why so tricky, Clara? Just be sober if it's not that big of a deal? Well that's a good question. It could be because I secretly (sssh!) am an addict and it that sense it doesn't matter how little I have or how I space it out it's still bad news. It could be because of pathological demand avoidance (PDA)! I'd put some third option here but off the top of my head I'm not really sure what that would be. I assume the etiquette is not to drink around the person who's sober, especially when they're newly sober, so I'll probably go with that.
As far as the rest of the things on the (renegotiated) list, I'm not sure how many of the other things have been happening. He came over today to do floors and cleaned the downstairs bathroom; did a dump run and took L to the pet store to get some senior cat food for Katara M. Jones. Those are all generally good things and in turn motivated me to finish cleaning/switching the one spare room and L's room upstairs while listening to a combination of Old Gods of Appalachia, Bananas, and Hidden Brain.
I'm headed out in a second to work out and then go to Costco (on a weekend?! I know. Shush.) I'm pretending that I don't have school shit to catch up on today, so I'll probably just Supplement Era Woman Rot during the gym and watch Love Is Blind Season Whatever It's Minneapolis and more I, Claudius tonight. I've said it before and I'll say it again - what better way to distract myself from the issues surrounding American politics than watch the fall of the Roman Empire?
S asked to take me out to dinner tonight and I said yes. I don't know how I feel about it. That's the ridiculous thing about my brain. I am ambivalent as fuck! I may as well carry a Magic 8 Ball around with me, if I'm honest. It could be fine. It probably will be? And probably good practice for communicating in ways that honor the idea that we both need to be as completely honest as possible with each other.
I do kind of wonder if this exactly AA canon as my understanding was that you don't suddenly start new patterns when you start the program (for a couple of years, maybe?) but maybe that's just relationships. Also, my source is Greg from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, so if I really wanted to dig into I should probably actually, like, research it more.
Anyway. Things: they are a-going. We're supposed to go to the Unitarian church tomorrow to check out a non-Christian service which is aligned with goals I made with my therapist. None of the rest of this [gestures wildly at life] is. But in a sense that's okay because I have issues with rigidity. I think? Nobody's told me that. That's my own hot take. I think? If you want to change plans on me I need 48 hours notice to not shut down a little and feel barfy and what's wrong, Clara, don't you like surprises? No. Those brain chemicals are the danger chemicals, fam.
Any-anyway. Bottomline: made it through fieldwork. Some feedback I got was that I am good at writing and comfortable/great with kids (PogChamp face). No negative feedback and nothing really actionable. Winning? Makes me actually very nervous for the next one.
Okay. Time to go make healthy choices except for media. Ciao, bella.
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