In dreams, as in real life, I don't feel as though I can control other people. My subconscious is doing its best to work things out. Without going into specifics, I feel like I need to make a short list of My Shit that I Need to Deal With...and then spend the rest of my life doing that. The following isn't necessarily the list. I just like lists. Bullet points are my bete noir. Or whatever the more current equivalent is en francais.
- Disorganized attachment style and just not...digging very many people romantically/sexually? I understand that there are terms like aromantic and asexual and etc. but those don't quite resonate. I feel like it's messier than that, in my head? And with the physical body I've been dealt the sexual stuff goes in predictable cycles. 28 days if you're nasty. But it doesn't really seem...specific, if that makes sense. Just like, "Ope, those hormones are kicking in. I see what's happening here!" And then as far as disorganized attachment stuff goes, it seems like there's some correlation for me with just staying in situations and not rocking the boat because of unpredictable reward feedback (most addictive form of, etc.) and also just...at this point in my life recognizing that...it's probably just not going to feel different to me in a different relationship. From the outside looking in I imagine that my past relationships all looked very different from each other. To me, the insider, they all felt similar because, yes, I was in them (sorry, guys) but specifically because of my disorganized attachment style. It also seems as though I'm Dismissive Avoidant? Which doesn't feel great to realize. But is great to realize. So anyway, in that sense - no. There isn't a Better Case Scenario where I just Lifetime Movie it and uproot my life and my child's life and life is magically better because Different Partner. Nope. I would still be this (gestures to self) and problems would still be similar (gestures to flowchart I haven't made yet but probably will someday).
- Masking. Part of the Summer of Suck that it's been is probably coming out of twenty-ish years of having to mask in a context and then let that mask drop and the predictable rise and fall of all that effort and burnout. I took that away and all of a sudden it was either irritating or just not as differentiated and honestly? I can't really tell when I'm masking versus when I'm not. I think my system just susses out the differences using a combination of familiar/versus unfamiliar people and situations but then does that just mean I'm an asshole all the time because I'm not masking? Is it unmasking or is it being bitchy and inconsiderate? Plus everything the Barbie move addressed. WHAT IS THE ANSWER, UNIVERSE?
- Dance 4 Kids. Maybe I've talked about this before, but the question I keep coming back to surrounding sending L to dance classes is, "Look. Not that this is the best option, but is there anything better?" A lot of my contemporaries are already sending their daughters to dance classes and posting pictures like they're so proud that their "minis" are following in their footsteps. And I'm over here like, "Ugh. Do we want to start all that now? Am I ready to drop money on costumes like I have it (I don't)?" I don't want to teach dance classes again yet in order to obtain free classes for L. Gymnastics? Apparently sexual assault and that will way fuck up your body. Swimming? Great! But limited application. Don't come at me, swimming lovers - I don't know my shit. Soccer? I've been told that's not great before the age of, like, eight? From women who did it way to young too long and it fucked up their bodies. Horses? I'm NOT RICH, OKAY. Ice skating? I guess we'll find out. But I'm sure there's some significant problems with that, too. Hockey? I'm not fixing on dropping a few hundred dollars on new equipment every time my kid grows? Martial arts? Maybe. That's a solid maybe.
Okay, gotta go do the paperwork and workout and do the IPE Passport Thing and rearrange the office and do the dishes and laundry and sweep the floor and get ready to go deliver tha' food. 😅
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