- First day of OT school. Woo!
- First day of OT school on very little sleep because I went and anxiety-spiraled at 2:30 in the morning. And L does the bed-hopping thing. Which is very cute when other kids do it. But not to S.
- Something is afoot. I feel it like a storm rolling in. I was trying to get myself to sleep last night with the oppressive hang of a cloud over me. I thought of the ancestors supporting me. Praying over me, even. It seemed like they were implying I need strength for what's coming. I don't think it's just school, either. This is going to be a hard season.
- I can't exactly predict what's coming. And I almost hate to speak whatever's coming into being. But...here are some guesses:
- S was having or is having or is considering having an affair. This will be my fault. I will be expected to "fix" it. I won't.
- Someone will get sick or injured or die. Always a classic. I have L and S's insurance cards, but not one for me yet. This is stressing me out. And then all the elder stuff, of course.
- All the fights yet to be. The ones where I am called out for being a shitty stepmom this summer (valid). The one where I haven't been keeping up with the house the way I should (I concur). The one where I will be asked to choose between the OT program and "my family" when "my family" really means S. This will happen either on my birthday or the night before. There's also the one where I will get told just how "rude" I am and why and that will probably be valid too. (But I am almost 40 and that much closer to just not giving a fuck!)
- "Just" a fire.
- I feel like it always comes back to this, but I'm just strung out on anxiety and not feeling safe. And yes, I know that's kind of how it always is for me. And yes, I am chipping away at that (sort of). But it's...not there yet.
- Currently reading The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert
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