Maybe it's just the dissonance. The disconnect between wanting not to hurt. For things to be black and white. For trusting a new friend over an old friend. Because I wanted!
I wanted to be okay. And capable. And as a result of being believed in to be well. Well, I wasn't then and am not now well. But I am someone who tries.
Of course I wish I were not so difficult a person. And that's why I tamp so much down and squirrel it away out of sight.
Several men have lamented that I'm not "happy". I wearily assume they all had, at one point or another, either become used to the masking I do because...that's what society wants from women, my guys. But it's exhausting to keep up. Or they think we can always be cocooned in the arms of infatuation and first getting to know someone. Being in love.
Infatuation biologically
Lasts 4 years at most
But that doesn't apply to us
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend said it.
So what is wanted or needed here (for my kid, specifically)? Is she to repeat this pattern? I don't know. It's such a very personal thing. While I'm certain she'll have different experiences than myself, I really don't know what to pass along to her regarding neurodivergence, needing downtime, expressing that - or even what's really appropriate from an impartial standpoint!
That's some of the shit I'm hoping to learn in the OTD program. Watch, it'll be un-researched as of yet. *sigh*.
Gatekeep. Girlboss. Grey's Anatomy.
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