Oh. We're doing acoustic covers of Savage Garden now?

I just haven't slept enough. That's all. It's just allergies. That's all.

I got up at 5:00 this morning to anxiously try to cram in as much neuro-occupation as I could only to get into a lowkey conflict with S over a Reason making me extra-anxious and I'm probably barely going to pass this class. I had a Zoom meeting with a teacher at 6:30 AM to do an oral interview and I am hoping that they are kind enough to let me pass. But I don't fucking know. I do fucking know I'm tired! We all know different stuff.

I've been knee-deep in research today and that's been nice. Volunteered for an hour in L's classroom (fun; alphabetized their folders for them and saw one of the 2nd graders lividly scribble NO! and an angry face on a board the kids use to do a little sentence-writing game; the sentence conveyed that they needed to wear a coat and gloves for recess. This kid begs to differ. CACAO says this kid! And I would link to a YouTube version of the Portlandia sketch, but apparently it's not available. But imagine that, if you would. Cacao.)

Spent a good two hours at Kaladi's in Spenard working on research. Did some light texting and followup-type business and got misheard when ordering, but there were three shots of espresso involved so I suppose it's all good in the hood. Worked out at the gym that's right there and got myself to New Sagaya downtown to do the remainder of the homework I'm trying to do today.

Tonight we're finishing Spy Kids 2 and I am collapsing at the end of the day.

Affogato Tell You: So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

 
- Eight years ago today I had my first (and, maybe, only?) snow day before I had kid(s).  Whereas today today it's sunny and aggressively springlike. The seagulls are back at it again. I could hear them over the headset at work today! L and I went to the park and it was (relatively) swarming with kids and dogs. Little birds are even making a ruckus in the trees, scoping out the best place to build their nests - stuff like that. 

- Things have been mostly good and mostly quiet; five more weeks in the semester and I work my last shift tomorrow. S is home for the weekend and dutifully going to AA meetings every day. The novelty hasn't worn off yet and that's good. Medication is settling a bit, but still a bit...much? I can't describe it very well. I've described it already. All that's still true. Probably going to look at scaling it back or trying something else. It's like being wrapped in cotton gauze! Okay, stop it, Clara. Stop it. Be quiet, be fine. Just...shhhh!

- After Sunday I'll be...free? Is that true? Haha no. Of course not! I imagine my professors like a ginormous flower girl at a...wedding. I mean of course a wedding, right? How many other occasions really call for flower girls? Approximately none if we don't count Midsomar. They walk down the aisle. Oh, okay. They're almost to the end. That means I get to walk soon! Or...the bridesmaids? I don't remember the order there.* Oh, but wait! Look at all the petals assignments they have left! Wow, I really thought they tossed them all! Gosh, that basket looked empty, like, a minute ago! Haha, so many petals assignments. Okay, now they're just dumping them all in a pile at the end of the aisle. Rude.

- The news is...the news. I hate it. There's a protest the first weekend in April. Maybe I go? Do I go? Do I drag my daughter to that? Will it do anything? I want it to do something.

- Someone I booked for a meeting for this one student organization I'm in recently relocated from the United States to Australia and has a pretty wide social media presence - which means I've been following their journey and so far? Australia sounds rad. And the connection in my brain between the paragraph above and this one is very strong even if the words...not so much.

- Suggested a table read of The Big Lebowski for S's birthday. I think I might really make it happen! In contrast, I'd like a girls (to women? Like Boyz 2 Men? Get it?) slumber party for my birthday. L would like a monkey-themed birthday at The Pirate Ship Park this year. And maybe this will be the year when I finally throw a New Year's Resolutions party! But Clara - you're an introverted and possibly AuDHD individual. What the fuck are you talking about? Well, good point. Very perspicacious of you! It's creative energy with nowhere else to go. I suppose I could put it somewhere else. These things go in cycles, though. 

- I don't really know how to feel about Amanda Palmer anymore. I do know how to feel about Neil Gaiman. I really, really don't know how to feel about Amanda Palmer deadass copy-and-pasting a post Shirley Manson made a few days ago (credited, but...is she trying to get likes from people who follow them both and think, at a glance, that she is Shirley Manson?). 

- Media. Reading: articles, and Power Points. Watching: Matilda, again. Finished The Good Place again - very satisfying. Love Is Blind: The Minnesota One nothing much is happening which makes it ideal for the 25 minute stints at the gym.  Bumping it up to 30 minutes next week! Tried watching Flow but L maintains that watching animated animals experiencing floods is Too Scary. This from the girl who had zero problem with Digital Circus until we took it out of rotation. But yeah, she's right. The ship scene from An American Tail is another prim example of this. Maybe we'll get back into anime. Maybe. Listening: Go Touch Grass, Bananas, and Hidden Brain. 

- The anime I have the most nostalgic feels about aren't appropriate yet and Sgt. Frog isn't available on any of the streaming services I have. And do I really need Crunchyroll? Is it even on there? Those questions will have to persist well into the future. 

*When I got married I hauled S, four friends and two kids on a hike to find a place where earth, water, air, and wood met (aka Basher if you know it) and it was very hot and sunny and very sweaty and we happened across an active beehive and the guitar player from my friend who I asked to come officiate's wedding and anyway - there weren't bridesmaids or a reception if you get my drift. 

Skibidi Dop Dop Yes Yes

I have the urge to Tell the World that I am, for some reason, going to go swimming with L tonight. Of my own volition! It was my idea! Maybe I will finally brave the sauna. I'm a very bad Finn. 

There has been six kinds of drama today over The Talent Show at L's school. She is 6 and wants to be in the talent show this year. I said yes and filled out the paperwork (+ mom points), but being a dumpster fire currently (see previous posts from...oh...ever!) I did not send the music teacher an mp4 file or coordinate rehearsals even though auditions got postponed over the weekend (- a million mom points). So I left work a little early today to try to check things out because the school is vague af as far as communication goes (and so am I, if I am to be so real) and walked into a tableaux of L crying, and her little friend who wants to be in the piece with her crying in her mom's arms. Ope. We tried to check in with the person we believe was fielding her tutoring earlier in the morning about whether she could leave to audition (unable to find; somewhat dismissed by two other teachers we did manage to check in with). She did check in the music teacher handling the auditions, but they appear to be somewhat altered d/t possibly being medicated for pain following a karate injury (?????) and I guess did not understand that they kids had not practiced yet until actual audition time? And said no, they couldn't audition? But...maybe they can audition tomorrow? Everyone is very confused. Me too! Me too. And L had little tear streaks trickling down her cheeks carving their way through a sheen of mud. Woof. So they did practice and maybe they'll get to show the music teacher their stuff tomorrow? But when? Ope. Unclear! Also the teacher who usually runs the tutoring group seems to be sick (but this was never directly communicated) and...idk. Mess! Mess. Takes one to know one - I know, I know.

We had dinner with T and V last night, which was lovely. It fills a definite gap in L' s scope of experience. They have a record player and let her light candles for a sit-down dinner of salmon and rice. Lots of catching up and V has a kind of playful aunt dynamic with L that I want forever and ever. Not a whole lot of completely grownup time with them - but that's okay. 

On Saturday night I went over to K's house with intent to sleep over (because she was having a girl's sleepover with a few people and watching The Wedding Singer), but left around 9:30 because: work in the morning. It was very nice. I learned that flower butt tattoos are a thing - like the whole butt. And I am generally jealous because I want more tattoos. Maybe an April/May goal.

Attack On Titan (or Another Small Moon of Saturn)

The day before yesterday was...fine. Partly sunny and 40s and my last shift working with a few people. Four to go. I don't feel happy about that. I don't feel all that much.

Sitting with my therapist on Friday seemed far away and not very productive. We talked about the medication. She was taken about me saying I felt kind of high and gently reminded me that there are other medications out there and to maybe think about that. She suggested buproprion and I kind of agree that that might be more the move. Not that there's going to be a medication out there that Fixes Me, but maybe there will be one that doesn't take me so close to the edge of depersonalization/disassociation. At the very least scaling back the dosage on this one.

I have an exam tomorrow I keep forgetting about.

One coworker today seemed extra-sad that the 30th is my last day. I said I'd probably just be hanging out in the cafe doing homework and they said, "Nah. It's different when you're working with someone." Which - exactly! That's exactly my point too. Sure, I could hang out with the peeps, but it just feels different when everybody's working towards something and it's on and it's popping. Humans like that very specific way of being. Sometimes it is, in a way, a respite from The Work of family life (and family life is work). I, a human, approve this message.

However, hopefully I will be able to get my shit together in a bag or a storage unit or something and finish. School. Which was a piece of advice my therapist emphasized in a super-big way last week. FIN. ISH. SCHOOL. Yes, ma'am. I think she relates pretty strongly since she, too, went to grad school after becoming a parents. And she got divorced in either the middle or right after graduating - something like that.

This week she spoke at length about having a plan for when/if S or I drink outside of the home...I think dependent on intentionality? There were parts I didn't understand and didn't have the wherewithal to ask about. She recommended I attend Al Anon at least once a week (which would be good generally, probably; for life as well as my capstone project) and talked a little bit about the individuals in the addict's life taking responsibility for their part in the addiction. Which I think...is good. 

Your Heart Is an Empty Womb; No, I Don't Know What That Means Either.

- One topic of conversation recently has been more pushing - this time to get me to speak with my parents about my upbringing and how it has impacted me as an adult. This is not a bad idea on the face of it, but in the past any attempts to do this have been met with various levels of incomprehension. Like, they just can't believe I didn't have an idyllic childhood! I grew up on a 15-acre farm in Northeast Texas. We had 45+ head of goats and bunches of animals! I had dance, art, and music lessons out the ass and never had to deal with "normal school drama". How ungrateful can you be? And, writing that out, I can sort of see their point. It was a unique experience that I value a lot but also had a very hard time with feeling connected and like my validity as a person was based almost exclusively on complying with religious norms. They were in a cult. They kind of still are? We got spanked. They still think that's okay as evidenced by some of the things they say about my daughter. Anyway, I'm a bit exasperated by conversations in which there's a touch of: "This is a problem. What are you doing about it?!" Bestie, what do you think I've been doing in therapy for the last decade? Jesus the Christ Child.

- Oh! Okay. So one of the quirky customers at my job (6 shifts left. Eeee.) has their pickup name as Julie Newmar. At first I thought it was a reference to Catwoman. Because, as you know, that's the name of the actress who played Catwoman in the 60s. Well, I finally asked about it the other day, and guess what? It's a reference to To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar which is even better! She said I was the only person who's every gotten the reference and asked me if I've seen the Australian version. Priscilla Queen of the Desert? Heck yes I have! After this conversation the 17-year-old I was working with asked me, "What's that?" So I explained briefly. They didn't care. But I got curious. Did anybody else in my queer-&-trans-friendly workplace know about this landmark piece of queer cinema? Nobody else I asked that day did. So now I'm on a quest to find out why this gap in their respective educations exists. Why is it the 38-year-old pansexual but hetero-passing white lady who's read Quentin Crisp and loves To Wong Foo and Priscilla, Shortbus and Strangers In Paradise, Psycho Beach Party and John Waters?

- I have not, though (and should), read Audre Lorde. Note to self.

- Still having girls' nights every night d/t S being out of town. It's been pretty quiet and nice. The meds are settling. I went to restorative yoga on Wednesday which just meant reclining in a dark room and receiving a sound bath for an hour. Highly recommend! 

Personally Attacked By This Aughts Playlist

 It finally decided to snow yesterday after a winter of...not much of that white stuff. I hear tell my dad came over yesterday and cleared the driveway, which was nice of him. This time of year I tend to just wait and see if it's going to melt. Which it typically does! So that's good.*

Today is day 7 of Escitalopram and so far it just feels a little being...high? Which is a bit silly. Isn't that what I was trying to AVOID? Idk. Kind of nauseous. Hard to sequence with any type of urgency. But being slammed on bar yesterday felt better...less anxiety-inducing? And that's the point, I guess. Keep that serotonin in the synaptic cleft, boi. Don't stop doing the things that make the serotonin, though.

I do feel different. Kind of...concussed? And kind of like. Hm. Remember when I wrote about "say the third thing"? I don't remember exactly when I said it - but I think I did. And I think it often. But SSRIs have taken the steering wheel and I am saying the second thing. I am not yet sure if this is good or bad. 

It's also harder to sequence cognitive tasks which isn't great; my executive function is not amazing at the best of times so I'm not really sure I can take the hit right now. But everything does seem softer, further away, and not such a big deal. I tolerated taking L to three playdates at six different venues on Friday without flipping out which is a ginormous win. Was I timely in getting to any of them? Not really. I did get to work on time today, though, which is a good sign, generally.

I have about 7 shifts left at Starbucks which makes me sad. I will miss it. It's really nice feeling competent in this one specific way. But I'll need to worry less about repetitive motion injuries now! Yay, I guess.

S left town last night which has been...fine? I'm worried about L more than anything at the moment. She's...sad. She can't exactly articulate how she feels. She talks about being tired and not wanting to be physically active which is...kind of concerning? But she still has the attention stuff going on and isn't actively sick. She freaked out over a fire drill this morning and has a lot of anger/irritability generally. Last night was St. Patrick's Day (as you know) and I had three assignments due.

I got 'em done, but at the price of being a trash parent and letting her just kind of veg out and watch Aphmau on YouTube (if you know, you know). After being done with the first two I made shamrock ravioli and salad and started introducing the idea that I might want to watch Darby O'Gill and the Little People. Is it a good movie? No. Is it from the time in Disney studio production when accents were kind of whatever and green screens were The Way? Yes. Do I have a nostalgic connection to it and screen at least part of it every St. Patrick's Day come hell or high water? You bet your sweet ass I do. Especially since it's available on the Disney+ app now.

Well, she had a hard time with it, so much so that she started whining and trying to hide the remote from me, yelling a little and sniping at me. All of that? Fine. Feelings? Exist. Yup, sucks that I don't want to watch Aphmau right now. Yup, we're taking turns anyway. Yup, you're an only child most of the time. Yup, yup, yup. However. She never really admitted to feeling angry, sad or irritated. She was just like, "I'm fine. I feel good!" Which is concerning. Because, my sibling in Christ (the man not the God), she was absolutely not fine. It reminded me vaguely of all the times I've had preschoolers who would be weeping, screaming, and thrashing about whilst loudly protesting that "I'm fine! I'm not sad, I'm fine! I'm not angry, I'm fine!" 

In conclusion: the fuck she doesn't need therapy. She does. And she doesn't learn well directly from due to needing me to co-regulate. And, apparently, that's just the way the cookie crumbles at the moment. thing are slowly moving in a better direction re: family planning (by which I do not mean having more kids), but at the end of most interactions I feel mostly exhausted by the whole dynamic. The meds have been helping a bit, but they also feel like I'm just waiting for my brain to stabilize. And in the meantime I am doing The Bare Minimum albeit while not freaking out. 

K accidentally surprised me at work yesterday and invited me to a ladies' sleepover on Saturday, and I think I'm going to go! I need to connect more with people in my life, even if it feels like I'm looking at them through approximately eleven feet of water.

Anyway, I hope you got through The Ides okay. Nobody has yet got assassinated this month down my way! This St. Patrick's was the first day I celebrated St. Patrick's without leaving hard liquor outside for the fairy folk. Been watching lots of The Good Place and season four of Mythic Quest in lieu of anything productive. I don't have an ending, but must try to do a couple of more emergent things before I clock on!

*In the days following this paragraph it continued to snow; it's snowing now! I guess you're really never out of the woods when it comes to snow. Alaska, etc.

The Us. Uj. Usj?

 I had to review my last post to see What Was Up despite it just being...what...four days later? Something.

Anyway, remember how there was all that cleaning over the weekend and going out for dinner? Well, that devolved into Miscommunication City. Which is not where anyone wants to live or even visit. *sigh*

Among the things that happened were the following:

- S thought that he'd made it clear that he wanted to hang out after dinner. I said yes but it flat out just did not process that he meant spend the night. So, of course, I was embarrassed and had the brain adjustment period and while S was accepting in the moment the fact that I a) misunderstood him b) had a feeling about him spending the night c) let him do it anyway became a huge issue the next day.

- I didn't get much sleep because it just wasn't what I was planning on and I still have a pretty strong physical reaction to trying to sleep when he's around at night! Remember the plan about I, Claudius and Love Is Blind? Yeah! I was looking forward to that, because S hasn't so much been spending weekends with our daughter lately so much as being 5,000% all up in my business. [It's the whole classic insecure attachment/dismissive avoidant attachment hot mess situation. I think?]

- As a result I was up at the crack of 4:30 and S was up already folding clothes and wanting to talk. I am very tired of talking. He went to an AA meeting early in the morning and picked up L so we could go to a church service at 10:00 AM. (I want to try to get involved in the Unitarian community if it seems like a good fit; it's kind of a preexisting political thing.)

- This is where the second misunderstanding came into play: I thought he was talking about the Unitarian Church when he described the service and also said that the service at 10:00 AM was more "secular". Bestie, it was a Lutheran church and not at all secular except insomuch as the (AFAB) pastor mentioned supporting trans and queer siblings one single, solitary time during the sermon. Which was very much oriented around that time Jesus wanted to Peter to go back out and fish and he was not all about it but lo - it was the right thing to do.

- This would all be well and good if I were not a) stressed as balls due to i.) being tired from the week ii.) not getting sleep the night before and iii.) expectations being unintentionally unmet b) toting around church trauma as we all do. And listen - part of that trauma includes automatically disassociating when I sit down in a church and just kind of zoning out until it's time to check back in but wait you can't actually do that when you're halfway supervising your 6-year-old during the service.

- And so, when we left I was just fucking knackered. Done fucking done with the whole situation. The church? Beautiful. The people? So nice! L? Had a great time! However now S became distressed because I guess either at no point before or during the service did he realize that I was getting nonverbal and distressed or maybe he was and just wanted me to speak up about it? Idk. But I didn't. 

- We had a meeting with my parents planned for later in the day and he says something to the effect of, "You don't have to do it if you don't want to." I say I think we should still do it because they're expecting us and text them to schedule for 3:00 PM. Fine.

- Initially S was pretty supportive and asked me if I wanted to eat or go home. I didn't know. He said he would drop me off at home and went on to take L to McDonald's. I think I asked if I could come? He said he didn't think the screaming kids would be a good fit right now. Fair. Okay. So I decide I want to try to take a nap. The plan becomes: incense for centering, food for unfucking my brain, a nap, and then folding clothes while watching The Good Place. Okay, so I have nearly finished my nap when S bursts into the bedroom and wants to go talk to my parents right that minute because "I'm Going Through Something" and he's worried about me.

- Okay. While this could be construed as positive and supportive we went from me not having to do things I don't want to do because I'm overwhelmed to let's go talk to the people who are the reason you have all these big feelings around church in the first place right now with no prep. This is also a phrase he trots out whenever I am going through something but he doesn't...want to help me or be actually supportive in ways that are actionable or involve him just Letting Me Do My Methods I've Developed Over Time? We'd had a conversation just that morning about how he doesn't know how to help me when I'm Overwhelmed! To which I said, "Well, just help me out with chores [the topic at the time] and be supportive. Helping with the chores helps, texting me that I'm doing a good job helps...just words of affirmation and helping out with chores is very helpful." Disrupting the shit I'm trying to do to regulate myself less than two hours after having told me to take all the time I need and that no, he didn't want to come back earlier than 3:00 PM, he just wanted me to take time to rest...feels completely undermining, no?

- So I say hell to the no we can't just go over without asking first (I am the whitest white of white ladies) so I call them and sure enough - they're eating lunch and need 20 minutes. Great. I just continue with the next part of my plan and put some laundry away while watching The Good Place because - what the fuck else is there to do? S just sits downstairs and...thinks, I guess? When it's been 20 minutes I come downstairs and find my big-ass planner because to the best of knowledge this is supposed to be a planning meeting.

- During the meeting the most discussed point is how "Clara Is Going Through Something" and "she needs to stop taking on so much" and that "when he came over on Saturday the house was in disarray" and "that means she's not okay". ...okay? His point with all this was that I need to quit my job! Right now! It's AlL tOo MuCh. ...and maybe it is? But I'd bet five dollars or maybe even more that it would be a lot less too much if my spouse would just fucking support me and give my neurodiverse ass two seconds to regulate itself!* 

- My parents generally did not understand why he was upset with me (...because they are the people who raised me to do things like Take On a Lot to Maintain the Status Quo and not leave during a church service because that is rude, especially when people are being very nice and you are seated in the front) and he ended up feeling ganged up on. They also backed me up when I was like, "No, I'm not quitting my job right this minute, you agreed to end of March. That's what we're doing."

- Point being we figured out what we needed to figure out for scheduling and went home. At which point we somehow got into a conversation where he kept telling me he felt ganged up on (because my parents got tired of talking about me and my health concerns*** and asked him if he had any plans to address his health concerns outside of AA) and pushing me about...I don't even know. I can't remember. I do know I got sad enough to not be able to stop crying. I took a walk and came back. We were doing "nesting" this week in which means I was supposed to spend the night at my parents' house for the entire week. So that's what I ended up doing.

- I slept well on Sunday night and ended up running all the errands on Monday (dentist, doctor, mortgage broker), and got some bad news re: my goal of moving closer to L's school. Because I am quitting Starbucks I will not have any income at all for the next...what...year? So I can't buy anything. Or rent anything. Frustrating, but not the end of the world because I own my current home. And this is one reason I wanted to own my home in the first place - so I could have flexibility to do shit like got back to school without worrying about continuity of employment! So at least that's good. 

- But I find myself bumping up against this whole process of compromise. Remember that big ol' list from before? To me it seems like I am the one compromising for the most part. Things I want or need are systematically dismantled even if they're agreed to in the moment. And even that, I suppose, isn't really fair - but it is a feeling. S eliminating alcohol and marijuana is a Big Deal - and it doesn't address some other underlying stuff. Going to therapy (for S) is a Big Deal. And that's not nothing. And there's also the piece where I probably asked for an overwhelming amount of things...because I've been sitting on these wants/needs/expectations for a long time and trying to reconfigure myself to fit and accommodate. But I can't really do that anymore.

- I bring all that up because he'd initially agreed to moving closer to L's school. And then, about a week later, got cold feet. No, he doesn't want to see what we'd be able to afford together (probably wise; there's too much in flux right now, and who knows how this is going to go? He initially refused to find another job to be able to help with school pickups and dropoffs, and although he's promising to look into that for the Fall - I don't trust it. He flat out refuses to attend school events or volunteer for Leona's school. And flat-out refused to "let" it be that we can have friends of any gender. 

- I have the felt sense that some or all of this is going to be too much for him to cope with. I don't mean to be accusatory. I just have this vision of a four- or five-year-old S vacillating between what he wants and what he can tolerate; it looks like a lot of stop-and-start physicality. A lot of outbursts. A lot of rage and sadness. A lot of need for someone to help him co-regulate. And maybe that looks like in-the-moment saying "yes" to things he can't really tolerate long-term because it's not what he can genuinely...tolerate. And you know who can understand that? This gal! But, no, that doesn't make it any more functional. Nope.

- As of...Sunday 3/9...he hasn't been able to entirely abide by not verbally criticizing me. To my parents, no less! He doesn't wish to pursue moving closer to L's school, but has started down the mental path of maybe finding a new job (since he's sober now) so that he can drop L off at school in the mornings. He's pushed me changing the timeline of quitting Starbucks (hard no), and hasn't actually dropped L off at figure skating so far, instead shifting this to his dad. He doesn't want L going to therapy. I've compromised on spending time with him versus him spending time with his daughter on weekends and spending the night last night (in the spare bedroom); I've compromised on friendship and when to quit Starbucks. And, no - that's not a lot.

- Anyway. Going to pick up SSRIs today and start reintegrating those because although my feelings are probably valid, I don't want to raw-dog all this. I have to resubmit taxes because I did those in-between Events the past few days and they don't like my PIN (this happens every year and I always have trouble remembering why). I have to call the PFD office or go down there because when I switched my phone number there wasn't enough time to change everything over to my new phone number which means I have to wait on hold for 20 minutes with various agencies to get things switched over versus doing it on a nice lil' portal. We have a playdate scheduled with a neighborhood school friend. I have therapy this afternoon - which would have worked out better if L could have therapy because I had a session scheduled for exactly when I had mine at the same office but no! So she's just going to chill, I guess, while I try to do literally something with the therapist for 50 minutes. And then - Costco! Maybe the gym in there somewhere too.

- And then tomorrow I work a super-long shift, but that's okay. I can probably use the time somehow! Maybe for more of this nonsense. Or catching up on lectures! Maybe examining the one assignment I've gotten super negative feedback on this whole time in grad school. I kind of want to respond to the Disappointed Midwestern Comment with: "Dear Dr. Redacted, I hope this finds you well and you are enjoying the quieter campus that accompanies spring break. I apologize for the quality of this assignment and appreciate the specific, actionable feedback provided. I will take it to heart and integrate this in future - not only for this course, but in the scope of my career going forward. Unfortunately, this semester has seen a sharp increase in "small t" traumatic events including incidences of emotional abuse on the part of my spouse and other disruptive life events requiring immediate attention. While not an excuse, I do believe it important to pass this along and take this as an opportunity to broach the subject of asking if it's okay to reach out to yourself and Dr. Other Redacted to ask for deadline extensions should events like these occur in future. In hopes you might understand, Clara"

- Hope you're doing better than well - hope you're doing the well-est!

*This is probably not fair. He is trying. But what he is succeeding in doing is making me super-irritated which in turn consumes a lot of time and attention which in turn hurts my ability to get as much as I need to from my education**.

**"But Clara! You should spend time and attention on your spouse! Maybe you're a narcissist! Or borderline?" Yes. I don't know. Maybe I am? Or maybe I'm tapped out from this stupid cycle? Because nothing I've ever done so far has had much of an impact on resolving it and it always comes back to me being the problem. And maybe I am. I am just going to end this paragraph by saying it is difficult for me to differentiate between the patriarchy trying to get us all down, however, and my own issues and challenges.

***These consist of mental health and regular aging type stuff and I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for the following day to address this and go to therapy on the regular plus stuff like this. 

There's a PogChamp Face In All of Us

 I did it. I observed for a week in the Palmer school district and it went...fine. I could totally see myself working my first five years someplace like that. And I could also see chafing a bit because of things like the uber-conservative school board and the general vibe of working with teachers. Teachers are lovely (see my last post). Teachers are also Drama. And there are, at times, teachers who are more interested in talking about children with learning or developmental disabilities Respecting Their Authority and making that a real big point during IEP meetings. Woof. And blarg. And barf. No...no thanks. So...good to know! And now I am dealing with the glitter-crash-ness of needing a day to slug around and recuperate and that somehow turning into an Action Day.

I skimmed my last post and don't think I mentioned it there, but S is in AA now and has been attending meetings since...Monday, I think? He's intending on doing the 90 days thing and it's so far been tremendously impactful. Which, I know, things that are New typically are. We have to wait for the boredom to set in. The dopamine to wear off. The first time something happens where he has a conflict with his sponsor or someone in the group, you know? Gotta see what happens then. There's also the piece where I'm not technically sober. I don't really drink more than once a week-ish (sometimes less) anymore, and don't have the 2.5 mg of indica that are all that's necessary for me to zone out because I can't really due to fieldwork, etc. But that is tricky. Why so tricky, Clara? Just be sober if it's not that big of a deal? Well that's a good question. It could be because I secretly (sssh!) am an addict and it that sense it doesn't matter how little I have or how I space it out it's still bad news. It could be because of pathological demand avoidance (PDA)! I'd put some third option here but off the top of my head I'm not really sure what that would be. I assume the etiquette is not to drink around the person who's sober, especially when they're newly sober, so I'll probably go with that.

As far as the rest of the things on the (renegotiated) list, I'm not sure how many of the other things have been happening. He came over today to do floors and cleaned the downstairs bathroom; did a dump run and took L to the pet store to get some senior cat food for Katara M. Jones. Those are all generally good things and in turn motivated me to finish cleaning/switching the one spare room and L's room upstairs while listening to a combination of Old Gods of Appalachia, Bananas, and Hidden Brain.

I'm headed out in a second to work out and then go to Costco (on a weekend?! I know. Shush.) I'm pretending that I don't have school shit to catch up on today, so I'll probably just Supplement Era Woman Rot during the gym and watch Love Is Blind Season Whatever It's Minneapolis and more I, Claudius tonight. I've said it before and I'll say it again - what better way to distract myself from the issues surrounding American politics than watch the fall of the Roman Empire? 

S asked to take me out to dinner tonight and I said yes. I don't know how I feel about it. That's the ridiculous thing about my brain. I am ambivalent as fuck! I may as well carry a Magic 8 Ball around with me, if I'm honest. It could be fine. It probably will be? And probably good practice for communicating in ways that honor the idea that we both need to be as completely honest as possible with each other. 

I do kind of wonder if this exactly AA canon as my understanding was that you don't suddenly start new patterns when you start the program (for a couple of years, maybe?) but maybe that's just relationships. Also, my source is Greg from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, so if I really wanted to dig into I should probably actually, like, research it more.

Anyway. Things: they are a-going. We're supposed to go to the Unitarian church tomorrow to check out a non-Christian service which is aligned with goals I made with my therapist. None of the rest of this [gestures wildly at life] is. But in a sense that's okay because I have issues with rigidity. I think? Nobody's told me that. That's my own hot take. I think? If you want to change plans on me I need 48 hours notice to not shut down a little and feel barfy and what's wrong, Clara, don't you like surprises? No. Those brain chemicals are the danger chemicals, fam.

Any-anyway. Bottomline: made it through fieldwork. Some feedback I got was that I am good at writing and comfortable/great with kids (PogChamp face). No negative feedback and nothing really actionable. Winning? Makes me actually very nervous for the next one.

Okay. Time to go make healthy choices except for media. Ciao, bella.

There are no wrong decisions. Only right decisions and lessons learned.

I don't feel like there's much to say right now. And I also feel like that's a lie. I've just been working hard at surviving. I've been surfing a few different waves of grief this season. This series of seasons. And...this is just another one, I guess. At least nobody's actually died! ...yet.

I've been driving out to the Mat-Su Valley every day this week - today was the third. Every morning from home to the lap of the mountains. It feels like a little escape and so beautiful. The town isn't much to look at, honestly, but...the mountains. The bald eagle that I saw flying on the way home yesterday and perched on a tree today. The little river with cabins built right on the edge. The transition from Anchorage to mountains. 

My fieldwork educator looks like, I've decided, a female version of Sean Penn. Which is amazing - but I feel like I keep getting lost in her gray eyes while she explains things to me. And then thinking about the body of works of Sean Penn (Milk! This Must Be the Place!). And remembering how he was married to Robin Wright at one point. And then made her change her name to Robin Wright-Penn. Which is extraordinarily silly. You cannot own Robin Wright with a hyphen, you silly goose! Sean Penn: Gaia's silliest goose.

The kids have been great, the teachers and therapists have been great. They always are. Therapists are, by and large, The Best and Really Want to Help. I think if they didn't, they probably wouldn't be taking on fieldwork students. It seems like a pretty nice place to work, but I sort of doubt I want to do that for my first five years? But maybe! The schedule: she's pretty nice. And if you've ever had to deal with the shitstorm that is scheduling around two-to-five different schedules, then you know. You Know.

I'm so tired I feel like I just want to lie in a pool listening to music meant to jumpstart my brain into making the good hormones. I want to pull of by the side of the road and take a lil' nap on the way to or from Palmer. I want to wrap myself in the coziest blanket in the Hygge-est cabin and just melt into some Sleep & Sorcery soundscape and never been seen again. Really go cozy-feral - you know? Because shit has been very much not slay lately.

I haven't been writing publicly because, although there's a lot to process, I haven't been able to pull it out through my fingertips and make it make sense. There are lots of unpublished blogs. Don't worry. They're not oriented to self, time and place, though. ...if that makes sense. Maybe do worry. Just kidding - don't.

The last week has been full of ultimatums. Rage. Sadness. My consciousness is stretched between when S needs me and when L needs me and when school needs me. And actually? Due directly to S not knowing how to even spell the word boundary over the weekend, I had three late assignments. Most uncool. 

I didn't even fucking get to finish work on Sunday. And was strung out because of waking up at 1:30 AM on Sunday. Then the texts at work. The crying a work. The asking to leave work early and that working out but not being able to eat until the late morning because of how that impacted breaks. Then the mediated negotiations. The (possibly) last phone call with T. The more crying in the kitchen to California Stars by Wilco. The picking L up. The joy of having her home with me after not having had her for a while. The her telling me that her dad woke her up early in the morning because he wanted to bring her here to see if she knew the code to open my old phone.

I don't know, man. It's all been too much. Silver lining: S is in AA now, apparently? We're going to try nesting out next week. I'm not sure exactly how it's going to work because it's spring break and so I'll probably still have L during the day, I'll just be...spending the night at my parents' I guess? I'll treat it like a vacation. 

But yeah. I am still alive. I feel like someone is kneeling on my chest. My head kind of throbs. Is it allergies? The grief? Am I getting sick? Can things just be fucking okay for once?

And I still do not understand why I have to give up a person I love to prove that I'm committed to my family. I just don't. Blame it on the neurodiversity. There's more to unpack, but I am, as per that one sentence earlier, tired and have to write a little more tonight for school stuff.