"...and if my temperament in that respect was anything like my grandmother's temperament it makes sense that she was pretty angry because as far as I know she didn't have the things to focus on that I did or I do. Um, she didn't have a full-time job. She had a part-time job, and that was maybe pretty unusual considering her life situation, but she needed that occupation, right? So as to...probably so as to feel okay about herself. I'm just so disappointed in myself as regards things like getting myself to work on the house and my energy level and, um, yeah. It's very difficult in the sense that when something goes wrong, um. Not like an emergency sort of thing with things like the microwave breaking. Like, you look on Youtube and you fix it, right? Um. Actually I don't I probably would have just been like, well, we don't have a microwave anymore! And then S being like, "Oh. We gotta go out and buy one now." No, we probably don't. Just go on Youtube and it's a hinge. You can fix it! But needing something like that interplay to be able to handle whatever the fuck it is. Um. The piles of laundry! That's actually a lot better than it ever has been, but it's a buttload of laundry. And that's something that's stressful for other people. Like, I understand that it's [unintelligible] of laundry and that they do things like try to get stains out, whereas I can't seem to do that and it is frustrating for everyone else, and it is frustrating for me. Um. And like everything just becomes wall paper. Immediately. The minute I see it, it's instantly wallpaper. Which, fucking sucks, because it's good that you notice it and are adaptable, right? But sometimes it needs to be fucking fixed. So things like that. I can't imagine what life would be like if I were with someone who was more, like, uptight about stuff like that. Or competent. And perhaps couldn't understand why I wasn't more competent. Now, that being said, being with S hasn't proved to be any better in some ways because he, too, despite not having better skills, or even, sometimes, comparable ones has definitely made, um, more of these things my problem than I thought they already were. Um. That's fun. That's extremely fun. And I end feeling like I can't fucking win, um. In trying to kind of avoid judgement, I still ended up being in a relationship where I'm extremely very much judged, which makes me sad and makes me angry and I know that there is some legitimate- legitimacy to the concern. Um, but I also have a strong motivation, volition, I guess, to do shit. So there's a lot of not, um. What is it.... It's a lot of not knowing. A lot of chasing my tail and a lot of not knowing if x is a big problem, or a little problem, or if it's something that I can manage for now or not manage or...yeah. It's just a fucking mess, really, all of it. And I don't fucking love that."
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