We made it to Paris! Well, somewhere outside of Paris close-ish to Powderly the night before last. 6 hours of plane, 2 hours of driving, and some time in-between to eat a little dinner and pickup a Target order just in case we'll need chicken nuggets - which we will.
The cottage is beyond cute and it's still Christmas here; there's a Christmas tree nestled in the corner of the living room, a cozy fake fire, and antiques that are classic North Texas strewn throughout. It's so, so quiet; there's a pond and squirrels scooting around, and a trail that we're going to explore this morning after I've had a chance to journal (this), finish my coffee, and take a bubble bath in the claw-footed bathtub (lifelong dream: realized).
I feel...relaxed. It's good to see my brother and his sweet angel of a wife who helped me out when I got stuck in the mud when leaving their house last night waaaaaaay too late at night. I'm sick and taking Dayquil/Nyquil religiously and so I feel tongue-tied, but it's been very nice getting to connect with my SIL. I hope we're not an imposition. It feels worrisome, sometimes. You know?
We watched Inside Out 2 last night when we got home and yes - the anxiety is strong. In me, in you, in all of us.
I've tried FaceTiming S at least once a day since we've landed with no response. He asked if we could FaceTime yesterday, but reception is very spotty at my brother's house, so there was no way it could work. I tried calling him again when we got back to the cottage around 6:00 PM Alaska Time. No answer.
I'm lowkey sad about that; less for me, more for L.
I cried a bit on the plane. Airports are a good space for me to process thoughts and feelings. I've been putting it off for ages, but at the airport in-between Security and the flight boarding I managed to book an appointment with Lyra, get headphones for L, and haphazardly obtain four stuffies to give to her cousins as belated Christmas presents.
The flights and transitions were...stressful. But better than they would have been if S was there, I guess? I have to assume it's me. It's hard for me to feel like I'm supported in stressful situations unless the other person has really confirmed over and over again that they have my back. And I can certainly see how that might not be the most rewarding use of a person's time, if that makes sense?
I'm still terrified about what the prospect of separating might look like. But I guess I know what I need to do. Cry, process, journal, therapy, just be there for my kid. Get her resources. Get a new phone/phone plan. Start the un-enmeshing process. Find a storage unit, etc. It's probably better that it happen now, in the Spring, than in the Summer or Fall. Because I'm not necessarily going to be able to have the type of flexibility needed to accomplish any of the (unknown) things I'm going to need to accomplish during this Whole Thing.
And also, one day in not me being like, "What would it be like being closer to my brother? L's cousins?"
Okay, enough of that for today. We have a property to explore, ice cream to eat, dinner to obtain, and a second-largest Eiffel tower in the world to gawk at (again).
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