Like a Hamster In a Wheel

Chasing my own tail a bit these past few days. The different parts of self bickering, trying to jump their respective tracks and come to a sort of accord to push things forward.

"I don't know what to do." "You need to do pilates and then take a shower." "No, there's something else." (felt sense) "No, you have to do those things; anything else can be shoved somewhere else in time you have to go to work this morning." "Okay. Um. Okay." (pushes hard at the motivational block and uncertainty and only one cup of coffee vibes that are the morning) "I really feel like I need to release these feelings." "Can it wait?" "No. Yes. I don't know." "Can you do it in 5 minutes?" "Yeah!" (lies) "Okay." and lather, rinse, repeat.

Last night was rough-ish. I came home and got stuck in a Big Sit and then realized it was almost 9:00 PM. I went to go kiss L goodnight, but she was already passed out in her bed. The last day of school hit hard, I think. I kiss her and notice she smells like poop. Hm. Okay. I tell her I'm going to check her and see poop in her underwear. *sigh*

I try to keep the lights low but run her a bath. I hustle her out of bed and into the bath by candlelight (why? I don't know. It was late. I was tired. I didn't want her to be bouncing off the walls afterwards, I guess, and candlelight seemed like the best option in the moment.), threw away her underwear and got her a new nightgown. She went back to bed. 

I went to bed. Then S was up and down all fucking night. Tossing. Turning. Muttering. Swallowing Really Loud (do I have misophonia? Maybe.). Smacking at me once, maybe? Telling me loudly I'm grinding my teeth (fair, I guess). Anyway. Didn't sleep well. And then, once he'd gotten up around 6:00 AM came storming into the room to say, "Did L have a poop accident last night?" "Yes...." "There's shit all over the tub." 🙄 Yes. That's on me. But jeez. All I wanted was a chill night, goodness.

The card for today is the Two of Coins reversed. This means lack of balance, disorganization, difficulty prioritizing, overcommitment and inability to juggle life's responsibility. Golf clap for my tarot deck. Golf clap to the max.

Work today (and probably extending a little bit because I know for sure one person has called out), and then going to see the gingerbread village redux downtown followed by Tha Mall. There are also about a skillion things I've been procrastinating because...I don't know. Because see the Two of Coins reversed reading. There should be time now. I should be able to play catchup and take care of all my shit and make things nice like an adult should! Deal with my nonsense!

But no. I am, instead, stuck in big sits. Thinking about Things and counting down the days 'til things are due. Things do not get done until they are due. Like, when the boys get here. When it's Christmas. When we go on our trip to Texas. 

Blarg. I need an adult.