No Wonder I Cry In Public So Much; and Yelling At Me About It Isn't Going To Change ANYthing, Broski

Growing up sensory: as an adult I have been given to understand that most people can't hear the high-pitched whine of electricity. Aren't bothered by lightbulbs vibrating against glass fixtures if the size is wrong.

When I was growing up my parents would naturally plan for us to go to places when the foot traffic was lightest, the saturation of people was lowest - when it was quietest. Sensory friendly, I guess? And so I never thought twice about it. That was just the way we Did Things. Kind of like how my mom and I covered our heads during church or prayer with scraps of lace, how there was a very specific version of benediction that we preferred, and drinking anything other than powdered milk was incomprehensible. We were encouraged to "mask" in public, and roles and rituals needed to be very strictly observed.

Now, I realize all this was just protective and insulatory. My niece's autism diagnosis was surprisingly well-received by my parents. My mom has said she thinks maybe she's autistic. My dad hasn't really said, but he clearly is - and looking back was prone to meltdowns and shutdowns. At the time I couldn't understand why he didn't just calm down because his behavior was disruptive to the rest of the family. Now I relate. And, I mean, my brother and I melted down then too. But we were encouraged to just ride it out in our rooms alone. And come back when we were ready to mask again.

It's tricky because couldn't that just be...mental illness? Yes. Of course. And...couldn't that just be a personality disorder being passed down from generation to generation? Yes. But I wonder if my niece, diagnosed at 2 years old had really had time to acquire a personality disorder, you know?

At one point soon after starting therapy five or so years ago I walked from my (chaotic) classroom to the (typically orderly) backroom and noticing at the desk I was approaching there was a small mess of some kind next to the keyboard. My eye alighted on the mess and clear as day in my head I heard, "FUCK YOU." And anyway that's sensory overwhelm for you.

The mess, the noise, the lights, the tactile sensation, the needing to keep yourself still - they all say: FUCK. YOU.

Okay. Time to clean up the frat party situation downstairs from last night, go to the trampoline park, and go work a store I never usually do that is my store's arch-nemesis.

Bye! And hey - you're doing a good job. This is HARD, man.

There Are Two Types of Woo and I'm Way More Into the Other Kind

I think we're just going to take the kids "entertaining" each other as an indication that I should take a minute for this nonsense. Right? Right. 

First (of this round) of couples therapy last night; I feel like we have a good therapist. so nervous right before the appointment. Two homework assignments, one more directed at me one more directed at him. There are loads and loads and loads of stuff we didn't get to. But I'm sure, in 18 more sessions, we'll get to them.

Did you know there's a white raven in Anchorage at the moment? You've probably seen the news stories. It's leucitic not albino and that's very rare apparently. Ravens are also not racist at all, it seems like. Which is good. 

Did a Big Organize yesterday in the living room and L's room which somehow took the whole day. Had trouble sleeping last night. Maybe because of the full moon, maybe because I never got around to leaving the house yesterday. Especially in the winter I feel like I need to take a fucking walk, or go somewhere, or get an endorphin once a day. I think of my grandparents and how they went on walks in the evenings. It might just be the nostalgia, but the Back Then seems so much more wholesome.

Crossword puzzles, evening walks, collecting cans and smushing them for recycling. Sitting on the front porch and waving at neighbors. ...but of course - not that simple.

This year I ran out of willpower to exert to get the rest of the family to do anything holiday-related. Or maybe I just listened to them more? But there were no holiday movies. Or, if there were, they typically got shut off by S towards the beginning of the middle.

Christmas itself was nice. I was able to get everything ready for everyone except the Barbie Dreamhouse, which S handled and put together. L didn't make any noises about not getting a Furby for Christmas. The Elf on the Shelf disappeared and my MIL outdid herself with dinner. I almost got to go totally late to Christmas dinner but then that was redirected. Oh well. No Christmas nap for me this year! Maybe next year.

And what will Christmas look like next year? What do I want it to look like?

We're going through all this in large part because I don't want to lose custody of my daughter for half the time. I know the conventional wisdom is not to "stick it out just because of the kids" but to me the kids are the whole point of this relationship.

S was going on a bit last night about how things would be less stressful if we didn't have kids (cap). And I nodded because I'm not interested in setting things on fire right now (or, hopefully, ever) but - we wouldn't be together at all if it weren't for the kids. As far as the boys go I obviously had some stuff to work out regarding my older half-brother and how all that went down. As far as L went, I was dead set on having a child at that point in my life. And if S had really really really not wanted to participate in that we would not be together at all.

Life was not so much better back then. He said he feels like being in a family and having responsibilities made him feel like he had to show up for them/us the implication being that he'd rather his days be free and easy.

Which doesn't sound so great to me. Honestly. And then he went into his bit about how I "have to put myself through things and he wishes I didn't and my decisions affect the family negatively" again. *sigh*

I've been working pretty minimally, but at least 16 hours per week for the most part. Bar is getting faster and it's a nice way to sort of get out and see the world get free coffee and bully myself into some sort of physical movement. Whatever works, I guess.

One of the OT2s is letting me rent most of the textbooks I need for next semester and it looks like I can get most of the rest of them off Chegg so - score! I also need to figure out how many classes I need scrubs for next semester. I found one set at Value Village that kind of match, but I should probably have a "nice" set as well. Hopefully Figs will have some sort of new year sale soon.

Started replaying Pentiment in hour-long-chunks and reading Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. New podcast is Go Touch Grass. <3 

Ciao, Bella.

Just Straight-Up Lyrics; and did you know Gag City was a thing? I did not. Sickening.

This year for Christmas
I'm betting on my odds
That I'll be
In a better place before the
Year moves on

And I know
Santa Claus is wondering if
I really got the things I need

This year's been different
Got a new city to call home
Well
I'd like to say I found
My way on my own
But
There's a million pieces here
They fall together where they will

Now I'm
Getting to know the Christmas cheer
So
I'll buy holly by the bundle
And
I'll hang it by the tree
That
I found on a long walk in our new city

And
I'll listen to the carols
But
I don't know the words
So
I'll sway side-by-side and sing
lalalalalala

This

Year

I'm betting on my odds
That I'll be in a better place before the
Year moves on
And
I know
Santa Claus is wonderin' if I really got the things 
I need

This year for Christmas
I'm betting on my odds that
I'll be in a better place before
The year moves on
And I know
Santa Claus
Is wondering if I really got
The things I need.

- Sjowgren

Simpatico

First meltdown of the Christmas season. Not too bad. Still not great.

The challenge is to get the living room put back together by tomorrow night for the grandparents to come over.

There's a secret room in the artery attic. Fun! ...but not to insulate.

I rearranged the office so the boys could both sleep there. Because I had to. It wasn't my job.

Work went better today than it had in a while; throws pink beret in the air; freeze-frame; like Mary Tyler Moore.

Writing assignments:

    - write S back about the textbooks and Venmo her
    - write M back (again) and Venmo her
    - write a treatment for a saucy play based on sitcoms and burlesque
    - write a treatment for a saucy play based on a holiday sleepover. With spies.

Crying and sledding. Cold comfort. Hot chocolate. Feeling barely there. So exhausted. Stop pawing me.

I can't...get it together. Or curate myself enough to have a Christmas present for L's best friend. Even though I have time to! On paper, I do.

How...? From whence, motivation?

Happy Christmas Eve Eve. In the morning everything will be frozen solid. Then we thaw things out and the whole concern is deluged with drippings (Russell, 1947)

where to begin eludes me/ without you here to remind me/ just take the step

Today, on Winter Solstice 2023, the thought came that it is a comfort to know what I want...even if I can't have it. Maybe it's the woo of how my podcast system turned up the past life regression podcast (my stance is: eh. Maybe! Fun to speculate.) and the pagan podcast (there was a lot of stuff about houses and astrology and stuff which I've never been able to follow particularly well. It's the math of metaphysics and *flaps hands at it dismissively*) in succession.

N is with me today and we dropped L off for her last day of school. Cleaned out her cubby and then headed home. He wanted to go to the park. I went along because I feel like even though truancy officers in Anchorage truly either don't exist or don't give a fuck really, it would be better to have an adult there.

Watching the sun rise over snowy mountains on solstice while thinking about the turning of the seasons and him barreling down the hill of snow he made was pretty lovely.

Things are...okayish? I feel like I'm sleepwalking a little. 10 of cups this morning. Today is going to be all right.

I don't feel totally ready for Christmas, but I'll get there probably. 

There's been a lot of DEAL WITH THE UNDERLYING CAUSE messaging lately. Which is good advice generally. But a lot goes into dealing with underlying causes. And I am only good at select parts of that.

There exists a certain feeling in my chest at times (like now) where I feel like I have slipped into an adjacent plane of sensation. Where I can almost touch what I desire (to be seen; loved; heard; regarded; celebrated; the nuts and bolts of those certain things I miss), where it feels to me like if I could just will it a little harder it would happen. Akin to that scene in Toy Story where Buzz Lightyear still thinks he can fly and jumps off the banister. But there is a hand on my shoulder. It brings me back to reality (an often wonderful reality). No, it says.

This is your life. Live it. This is the road. Here. These are the tasks. These are what must be gotten through. And also don't just get through them. Be present. Be mindful that the mundane is the sacred. Do the next right thing, eat the elephant, etc. Acknowledge the feeling.

Which is so helpful, actually! Try it! Are you feeling some type of way? Do you have an inner monologue? Acknowledge the feeling. "I am uncomfortable." "I don't want to do this." "I wish this were different." "I feel nervous!" "I don't want to be here." Whatever it is! There's an instant feeling of relief. I almost promise. Kind of like calling your best friend and venting about something. Do it.

And hey: happy Solstice. The tide of darkness is turning. Cuddle up with someone(s) you love and hav a hot beverage and watch a Hogfather. You've earned it. 💓

Buzz Off Penicillin - Inject Me With JAZZ!

Had my first bottom to top good shift at Starbucks since I rebooted. No muss no fuss felt okay, times were fine made people laugh (my currency)?

Continuing to try self-therapizing through here and voice note app in my car while driving. Because that's basically EMDR, right? The scanning eye movement, the nearly getting into wrecks? Yes?

A lot has changed as far as how Christmas is "supposed" to go. Being a stepparent has changed a lot, too. Eight years ago I would feel obligated to do all the things and haul the boys all the places but as it stands I'm jus like: eh. They want to rest. I need to rest. I already did little holiday things with L. It still feels like the family is a pie chart and one chart is L and me, another slice is L and N, another is S, N & M...hold up. Maybe it's more like a Venn diagram. Maybe this is how all families are, though. 

I notice little flickers of something when plans change or don't involve my input. But I've been consciously letting these go. It's not that I don't matter. And/or maybe I don't, homes! That's okay. I'm here for the pizza and the kids.

Anyway. Christmas crackers: I wish I'd ordered them this year, but also can't seem to muster up fucks to give.

Christmas movies keep getting turned off by S when he gets home. I get it. I can't seem to get muster up the strength of will to make everyone sit and watch a Christmas movie together.

I assume S is waiting for me to ask him what, if anything, he plans to do with the beds in the office at which point he will yell at me or pretend as though he didn't realize it was on him to do anything about it. Will that be the last straw? I don't know.

The problem is that regardless of when or why things reach a breaking point, there has to be a how to coparent afterwards. Things are not working as is so they should work especially not well after. He's just not that sort of person. And I need lots of oversight and possibly medication to be that person.

An episode of Where Should We Begin? (I am not sure I should italicize a podcast name; I am not stopping to look it up) deals with a couple who divorced and are getting along so well under the separation that they are considering getting back together. Most of the details escape me, but at one point I think Ester asks one of them if getting divorced gave them the relationship she'd always hoped they would have. And I truly do think for a lot of women...divorce is the only thing that gets the male half of their particular heterosexual couples to step up and do half of the caregiving. Because it's court-mandated that they do so.

To be clear I do not predict that this is what will happen in my case. I have few predictions around it, but one I see vividly and often is S and M living together in a bachelor pad playing Xbox until 2:00 AM. 

How about you. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Picture-Heavy For No Reason

Photoshop with AI? No. Gross.