It's (SURPRISE!) Snowing Again

Just had a dream (three days ago) I want to hold onto; but it's already slipping away.  Something about understanding the first and last concepts he was talking about but not the middle. Then, just talking. A little edged with awkwardness but almost like old times.

My Christmas Present Would be Sleeping For a Week; Same As It Ever Was

If you keep doing the impossible for people they begin to expect it. 

I wonder if my body still believes I'm pregnant on some level.

"The body keeps the score."

*neuroscientist snorts* "The brain keep the score; the body is the scorecard."

Moving the elf on the shelf around hasn't been nearly as bad as I was expecting.

Nice Lyra therapist surprises.

The vegan-ist lussekatter dough must be made this afternoon for L's school. Or...tomorrow morning? Let's hope some epigenetics kick in. And that some of the Swedish rolled out in the genetic craps table of my being.

3 hours later: S has picked a hole in the downstairs bathroom door. I called in to work 30 minutes before my shift to take her to school because S says that’s not his responsibility. Because I have so much more free time than him and my job doesn’t pay as well. And that my decisions impact our family but his do not.

Imaginary Friends

Let's talk about imaginary friends. Did you have any growing up? Were they humanoid? I should really ask more of the people I see on a daily basis. Anecdotally, most of the children I've taken care of over the years have not. Or at least, if they did, it didn't come up in the 40 hours a week I saw them. 

S says he had one named Dr. Hill but that he didn't perceive him as "real". One kid had an imaginary friend who was tiny and slightly older  than them. Sometimes he'd come to school with the kid and sometimes not. The imaginary friend had a little sister and a dog, I think. This particular kid had a moderate amount of separation anxiety but by far not the most significant amount I've ever seen.

Another kid had an imaginary friend that was a dog, but they were very aware that the dog wasn't real.

I had a pair of imaginary friends when I was toddler-to-preschool age and I think they were adult men named Jerry and Riley. Although I can't quite trust my memory...ever. My mom says when we moved from California to Texas Jerry stayed behind. Maybe Riley did too. When I was younger and more into the occult I wondered if they were house ghosts that just didn't mind hanging out with a little kid.

Point being: I've almost always had imaginary friends. Or voices in my head? Or parts of self that just shunted off far enough to be able to look back at me and offer feedback? 

In one of the books I'm reading, The Leaving Season, the author talks about a situation that resonates with the one I had with T. She has a quasi-romantic correspondence with a man whom she terms her imaginary friend - Heathcliff.  She says he is a real person and someone with whom she had a real relationship but thinks of him now as having been an imaginary friend. Their correspondence ended in much the same way mine did. No resolution no warning. Not to downplay that there are lots of differences too. They dated for about three years. Had a different course generally. But there are enough similarities to warrant the kinship I feel for the situation.

So, did I treat T like an imaginary friend? Was I one for him? I think about the ways in which selves are curated in letters and phone calls. The daily mess of self doesn't have to spill out into the room and torture the correspondents with slaps of inadequacy. 

T didn't have to deal with my chronic messiness, lateness, numb spells, executive dysfunction, impulsiveness, fatigue, meltdowns. At least, not for very long. I didn't have to feel his hurt and anger. At least, not for very long.

The things I thought I was opting out of are still with me. My partner who...well. You know if you've read.

The fucked-up-ness of the power dynamic at play In My Life Today. What was I thinking? How shitty was I for choosing a partner who I thought could never judge me because I...judged them first. 

Girl, I know it fucking hurts you when you feel judged/rejected/inadequate but that's no reason to be the disrespectful to another individual. It's horrifying to me because I don't like to think of myself as someone who looks down on others. But isn't that what I'm doing? What I was doing? 

"I thought this was the one who was supposed to just let you be you." - my mom, helpfully, in a Scottish forest, 2015. 

Me too. But he had other ideas. Best to communicate and get everyone on-board before committing.

But then, commitments happen by default sometimes when you just...don't do anything. Take care of the minutes and the days take care of themselves? Is that a saying?

When I was a teenager and hormones were ganging up on me, my life felt like a c-clamp, my disordered eating was running the show and I remember trying to motivate myself to do something. I don't remember what - just something. And crying in my room. Overwhelmed. Feeling crushed. And a part of self borrowed its skin from a character in I, Claudius: "My name is Scylla and I'm a whore. Everybody's heard about me." For whatever reason, this was calming.

It was kind of a mantra I didn't say aloud. It worked. Until it didn't. 

A small imaginary friend.

I should go. I just wanted to tell you.

And It's Not the Weather; Hand Me My Leather

I'm so glad I don't have to commute long distances anymore. Last night there was a get-together with the women in my cohort in Palmer, which is a good 47 minutes from "the city". Which isn't to denigrate "the city". It's the largest "city" I've ever lived in.

Most of us live in Anchorage but three of us live in The Valley (Palmer, Wasilla) and I explained it to S as: "the alpha lives in Palmer so that's why we're having the party there".

The drive was inky dark and I was tired from...I don't know what exactly. Really the last few days have been lovely. Yoga and chores and catchup on lectures. Dropping L off and picking her up and post-school Activities. When not listening to lectures on spinal cord injuries I've been listening to The Leaving Season which is beautiful and I highly recommend. And shards of McMaster's life seem familiar.

Driving from Muldoon to the highway in S's borrowed truck. The truck reminds me of my old white Ford F-250L. Secure if bulky; like driving a barge. This place seems saturated and I can't really talk to anybody about it. S would probably be the best person to talk to, but: things are still strained. Better, but strained. Drive past the restaurant where he maybe began to see L for the wiggly person she is. Past the bar where the first photo shoot I ever did for the burlesque company was held. I really haven't done for them since then. And that was a decade ago.

Merging onto the highway. Lots of deliveries to Eagle River. Trips to the dump. Trips to the Moving Arts Center for rehearsals. Trips to a house party concert where there was way too much high-school-like drama and I felt energized by the music and imagined a dance and live music collaboration. But all that really happened was whiskey and some paranoia. There are lots of houses on the hill behind Eagle River as you drive north and they look like stars. Beautiful but, much like Hillside, I can imagine how stressful it must be to deal with hills and snow and unmaintained roads up there in the 6-8 months of winter and that's a big no thank you. 

From Eagle River to Mirror Lake. My dad went camping at Mirror Lake for a few weeks in the summer in the early 2000s. We visited on one of their trips up here with Sc back when we were dating. It looks reasonably like a mirror and has a playground, I hear. We should have gone camping here during the Summer instead of at the tents in Palmer. Much more child-friendly less isolating. Maybe next year.

From Mirror Lake to Thunderbird Falls/Eklutna. I like hiking Thunderbird Falls but never seem to make it down the boardwalk that takes us Goddess-knows-where in the rainforest canopy. We always just seem to make it to the falls and back. My first T-bird hike was with E on maternity leave for L. She was strapped in and we made it to the falls and back up a steep incline. (This was back when other women hastened to tell me I was a good mother and offer sage advice because postpartum is the hardest time. And it is incredibly hard and traumatic! And unfortunate that I'm totally incapable of asking for help even in the most of the most extenuating circumstances.) The most recent time was this past summer with L and M comprising the child part of the expedition and me and V the adult part. V said she usually hikes it in the winter when ice and snow make the incline a slick death trap that threatens a quick dump into ravine into rushing river on the left side (up) or right side (down). She said didn't know why she hadn't hiked it in the summer before. Me either.

Eklutna to the Knik Recreation Area. It's so dark. It reminds me of driving in northeast Texas at night but I don't put my brights on because I know it's annoying and moose seem smarter than deer when it comes to crossing roads. I've never seen a deer use a crosswalk, have you? The recreation turnoff is swallowed up in darkness even though there are other cars on the road. My thoughts turn to Israel Keynes and how this (I think) was where he turned off to finally dispose of Samantha Koenig's body the year I moved up here. In the daylight this part of the highway seems exposed, but I can understand how he got away with it now. Maybe the river thrums with a sinister tenor. Maybe not. Alaskan serial killers are a rabbit hole, though. Moving on.

Knik to Wasilla. Trips to T & V's cabin (although we weren't invited this last year - for the first time since we started dating). One trip to S's holiday party. One trip to see Fall foliage on the way to Sheep Creek. Camping; how many times? Trips to Fairbanks. One trip to home show. One trip to the reindeer farm. Two trips to The Butte. One trip to The Igloo for a boys handoff. One trip to the Mat-Su college for a neuroanatomy study group. Just: a lot has happened, dude.

Maybe that's my only point. A lot. Has. Happened.

Maybe it's no wonder I'm tired.

Marked Lack of Compassion

One of the things I truly dislike about myself is the way in which I lack compassion for S. I know it. I'm aware of it. I hate it. But I can't seem to force myself to feel it.

Why?

Is it like one of those jobs that you've just done for so long and there's no infrastructure there for support so you started half-assing it just to get through the days and now even though the customers are complaining about the lackluster customer service you just...can't?

Today I drew The Devil card. Yesterday was The Hanged Man and the day before that 10 of Wands. Better now that over Christmas, I suppose. I've heard The Devil is all about the ways you obstruct yourself. How you're the one in your own way. You're chained down by your own choice and design. Typically there's a depiction of the devil and a man and a woman in manacles but in this particular deck it's a snake. And I think the snake is either the one living in Yggdrasil or one who tempted Eve. But in any case: we're looking at temptation and/or being slowly e't away at. 

Riding In My Fiat. You Really Ought to See It!

 I thought I was supposed to have therapy today through Lyra - like an intake appointment sort of thing as a precursor to couples therapy. But…no? But the therapist does not seem to be a one to answer direct questions via email or offer detailed instructions. So I’m spent my first real day of Winter Break in the following manner leading up to now:

- the usual morning stuff (breakfast, showers, move the elf, make lunch for Leels, etc.); except for that I thought I’d finish Tim Allen’s The Santa Claus before going to school. And it made me realize that Tim Allen has actually had a huge impact on me and I don’t know as that I like that.*

- listening to podcasts I already subscribe to but searching for the word “divorce” and seeing what pops up. Really what I want to know is WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? That’s the most relevant piece for me as I consider what is and the future, etc. I mean, survival? Sure. But aside from that: how do we do this** with the least negative impact to Leels? And while I’m sure there are better resources to investigate than The Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast interviewing extremely candid adults about How They Viewed Their Parents’ Divorce and Related Behaviors…uh…there might not be?

- putting the list of books I compiled to read over winter break on hold at the library while watching that one twin flames cult documentary. Monetizing human connection! Huzzah.

- chores while catching up on (a) lectures (no ess actually).

- a yoga class*** with an oddly aggressive instructor.

- picking up car parts finally****. Woo! Then hustling my ass down to the school just in case I did have a telehealth appointment that I’d have to finish directly before picking up Leels…. Which I appear not to. Hm.

- so: journaling.

- oh! I also had a dream last night that I was driving through Mississippi last night for some reason and Leels was staying with family. I was on the highway and I got a text from T saying, “So excited!” Followed by a picture of an airline reservation for August 6th. So that’s where my subconscious is at, apparently.

- my tests went…pretty good? I was super happy about Neuroanatomy and less thrilled with Health Conditions, but ya girl got As and Bs so I will shut my mouth from saying anything but THANK YOU. And possibly: SWISH. Although it wasn’t swish, not at all, I studied my ass off for real.

- and now I get to put the pieces of my house back together and do all the things I’ve been pressing snooze on. 

- speaking of: Tuesday was the most recent eruption and it was about my car and how I don’t take care of it. The premise is fair! But I do not need to get yelled at about it! Or told that I do not listen to anything S says! One or more of my tires was low on air. Winter roads, fluctuating temperatures. Okay. Makes sense. And had been for a while. Not a good look. I agree. My feeling is that being as how I have a job, finals, and am in charge of child stuff generally, grocery shopping and the cleaning that does get done, all type of shit like that will get shunted to the next available slot for maintenance that being today. So Clara, why wouldn’t you just ask your husband for help? Such a good question! 🙋‍♀️ On a fundamental level - I don’t know! On more superficial levels however - because he has a piss-poor attitude about it! And that’s a momism from my mom and no I’m not going to elaborate on that right now.  However it is at such a level that I would rather, yes, take the l than deal with his nonsense about task-asking. *sigh* Anyway I do pretty great at staying calm anymore, but not so great at masking that I’m sooooooooo grateful he took care of it (although of course I am a bit, because ultimately he DID take care of it) because I just don’t have it in me anymore and because he is a hundred percent going to weaponize it sooner or later. It’s not how I perceive my dad taking care of things for my mom (although I’m not positive he didn’t do this too); it’s like a mind game where he does the laundry for two days and all of a sudden starts whining about how he’s DOING IT but HE’S TIRED he WORKS OUTSIDE and has PHYSICALLY DEMANDING JOB and I know how mean it sounds? But it’s been a near-decade of this nonsense. No one has asked you to do shit, my guy. Because why? Because see the weaponization tax. No one hast run out of clothes. ‘‘tis not an emergency. Also, as far as I know, there is no reason for you not to get a different, less physically demanding job.

- oy. The slings and arrows of mundane fortune. 

* I have distinct memories of watching Home Improvement as a child, Jill going back to school, Wilson comparing going to grad school into looking into a microfilm projector for some number of years, watching Jungle 2 Jungle…just: a lot of Tim Allen lives rent-free in my head and I’m not here for it.

** “this” could be a variety of things. But divorce could definitely be one of them! I’m sure not as patient or compassionate as I used to be and arguably I was never much of either so 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s probably just going to come down to things like safety and stability and the child.

*** I want to shoehorn myself back into my body so I’m trying to do one organized group fitness class a day on my break. We’ll see’s.

**** windshield wiper blade, rear signal lights and jumper cables because: why not. The man helping me was extremely irritated but he appeared to have some resting tremors so I’ll cut him a break. Low dopamine probs.

Are we even going to GET anything for Krampus now?

I'm taking a few minutes to journal. As a treat. Finals week! Woo! There are really only two that are Emergent and the rest are filed under: maybe we do this the day of. 

Either in despite or because of everything that's happened in my life I still draw a tarot card every day. Today's was The Chariot. Typically this means that people (and in particular S) will be kind of shit-start-y. And yes! So far that does seem to be the case.

When strangers who want their coffee are shit-start-y it's generally like water off a duck's back. Like getting upset over scanning devices and me hearing them and adjusting but then trying to pivot a conversation where I have a small anecdote about meeting someone who claimed to design self-checkouts but okay Michael. I can also just give you your coffee. I learn a little something, you learn a little nothing by your own choice.

But when S is shit-start-y I just shut down.

And I feel...well...frustrated with myself a bit about this. In relationships (generally) I don't so much deal with anything. I haven't ever rebounded from partner to partner like a ricocheting water bear but I do tend to stay in situations too long or not long enough and just generally don't handle my shit.

S was getting frustrated last night because I didn't get home before 4:30 to make dinner and needed to finish a project that was due. Also start that same project. He just doesn't fuck with parallel play, I guess? Is the problem that he's too neurotypical and I'm not neurotypical enough? Anyway, he went to "bed" early. And got up early today too. And started a conversation about how his dad said L was "giving him attitude" (I assume at dropoff yesterday?) without many details. And then gave me angry eyes about my coat selection for work (probably too short? But I'm definitely not getting into it about clothing with him again).

Just...it's always something. Before it was school it was me not being "present" and "happy" enough or not putting enough effort into things.... And now it's all about me being selfish and how selfish I am. Which could very well be true. I have a rich inner life and probably have pendulum-ed back pretty hard from my childhood and young adolescence and also have a fair amount of fight-flight-flee going on at any given time. So.

But I fantasize about starting a TikTok specifically so that I can go through my daily routine bit-by-bit but preface each task with how selfish I am. And then having someone else do a tally at the end of the day.
      - Here I am using urinating selfishly! And selfishly deciding not to bring more toilet paper upstairs                because I'm the only one with a vagina who uses the upstairs bathroom, there are wet wipes already            there, and everybody knows where the toilet paper is!
    - Here I am selfishly doing homework for 40 minutes on the couch after chugging a redbull.
    - I'm selfishly doing the dishes! Watch out!
    - Ope. Selfishly packed my child lunch and a snack and wrote her a lil' note!!
    - Selfishly pulled a tarot card for the day. Chariot!
    - Selfishly got dressed for work, brushed teeth and even threw on a little mascara. Watch out! I selfishly     wore the one warm kind of fits jacket I have for work also.
    - I drove to work all selfishly and was selfishly on time.

...I mean, you get the idea. Also I won't do that. I just think it would be funny to do that.

But I think that's about it. I will look forward to a tense dinner tonight and some sort of stern talking to about "attitude". I will probably touch base with the in-laws about specifics before talking to L because "attitude" probably means about as much to her as when people say things like "uppity" and "you're throwing it in my face" to me. Which is: a lot of nothing followed by a bunch of question marks. 

Throwing it in your face. Sheesh. I'm citing you as a reference to you! Lawd.

Okay, bye. Wish me luck!