We're baaaaaaaaaaack

And boy is it cold. In more ways than one.

I'm in the office as I write this. The boys are gone. A smattering of legos and toiletries that were originally bundled in their Christmas stockings remain. A silver ring my dad made for M embossed with his name,

I feel decimated. I'm not sure the mood tracking app on my phone is going to like that. Did you mean: devastated? No. I didn't.

I asked S if he wanted to have The Talk that he spoke about before we left. Long story short it did not go the way he wanted it to go or thought it would go. I did not, in fact, go to Texas and then come back refreshed and ready for round however many of this cycle we're caught in. I felt okay in Texas - and even for 2/3 of the legs of the trip (which is pretty good considering I don't travel all that well and L is 6.5 years old). I felt like separation does need to happen. That we can't keep hurting each other. That we can't keep doing this. 

Some key takeaways that made me barfy: he would like to see his daughter only every other weekend; I. Cannot. Imagine. Choosing that. My partner saying, "What would you like? Wouldn't you like to see her more frequently?" And - no. Every other weekend. Why? Because he wants to interact with me as little as possible.

This is where I take off my glasses and pinch the bridge of my nose and grimace a bit because this is this man building the same narrative he built around his ex-wife. And this is where I panic a bit too, because I am highly concerned about L's relationship with him and L's relationship with her grandparents. They speak of the ex-wife as a horrendous person. And you know what? Probably not! So, will I fare any better? Probably not!

I want her to have a solid relationship with her grandparents. I want her to have a solid relationship with her dad. I do not want either of us to be on the receiving end of this nonsense where I'm always the bad guy and she's second fiddle to her brothers. They should all be exactly the same fiddle. The same fiddle!

And I just.... Sigh. I am the bad guy, you know? In several senses I am. And then I get told that I don't take responsibility for the things I do that make S sad and - look. I'm pretty fucking sure that I mess up. I'm also pretty sure that at this point in the relationship I'm not going to be able to feel safe again due to numerous and consistently occurring previous events. And here we are in a vicious cycle. I can't even get into all of it. It makes me tired and I've been crying and the sun is setting because it's *checks watch* 4:00 PM.

Point being: S is going to Seward (maybe) for a week or two. It was supposed to be tomorrow, but that got pushed back due to weather. And I'm sitting here journaling because I would like to think it helps.

Take each breath at a time, my mom/teacher inner voice says. He's right. You fucked everything up. What are we going to do?, my teen inner voice says. He's...not right. You're not a person to him. You're a character in a movie. Or a play. I'm sorry you couldn't make this work, but - babe. Could anyone? It's okay. It's going to be okay, my middle-aged self, maybe? Whoever it is they're pretty nice. 

Okay. Be good to yourself and keep it clean, marine (no, I don't know if that's a real saying).