One of the things I'm supposed to do this week is examine my roles. I think writing it would be more rewarding, but I misplace papers like nobody's business so this is probably better. And I think I can do it pretty fast (while L is getting dressed for school) so: Update? No, no I can't. Put a pin in those expectations/that discourse/everything. Pin those well up. But I have quite a few roles and I get a little sick of summarizing these. Mom! Daughter! OT student! Employee! Barista! Secretary of that one thing! Friend! Homeowner!, etc. The therapist's point was that sometimes it is time to put some of these roles down. Or acknowledge that sometimes you're sucky at some of these roles and then adjust your performance? We didn't get into finite energy, but that's pretty obvious.
What if I broke my roles down like with task analysis and assigned an assist level dependent on how much of a percentage of the components I can do myself and how much assistance I need? Verbal assist? Physical assist? Do I need supervision? Who will supervise me? Where will this assistance come from?
IDK where, bro. Actually, it's probably going to be my parents, mostly. But I did finagle a playdate for L with her best friend from birth while I go to the stupid mandatory Siren meeting! I half wanted to be like: how mandatory is? Is it the kind of mandatory where I can bring my kid, because any babysitter I hire will a hundred percent charge more per hour than I am paid to work periodt? But luckily, I am resourceful...
...if mega-shitty at transitions. (How do you like that transition?) Things have been rough emotionally lately, not gonna lie. I am trying to hydrate adequately in order to account for water loss. And it's no excuse for my overall horrible attitude, but it did finally occur to me that one crucial piece of my set of issues that impacts all kinds of things is how much aversion I have to transitions.
The one that recurs the most and crosses me up the most is the morning transition. There are just so many pieces. And by the time I have gotten myself and L ready to go, into the care, through the 20 minute drive to school, and through The Dropoff Part 1 we, then, need to launch into The Dropoff Part 2 which is doing a whiteboard that triggers the fuck out of me at this point.
Bonus: if we get to school early, I get to be the weirdo who does not say The Pledge of Allegiance during the morning patriot moment even though, yes, I do know it by heart, and doing so evokes memories of staring at a little flag tacked up on recently mudded wall in a newly constructed addition of the house that smelled a little like sawdust. L has been doing a great job at doing her transitional "chores" in the morning, actually, but when it comes to doing the whiteboard it is still a clusterfuck. And the room is crowded and noisy and the lights, they are overhead and fluorescent. And girl - I, myself, am pretty dysregulated in this environment. And girl - I have a whole backlog of previous experiences in which I hiss and argue and threaten and cajole this kid to try to do the damn things that she's supposed to do that I'm supposed to do with her it's the whole point of the school philosophy. But guess what? She and I also both know that it's incredibly hard and awful for us to try to do these perfectly fine things together.
LAnd then, sometimes, I get caught up in the mental narrative of all the ways in which I fear she is unseen and unsupported when, in fact, she is probably seen and supported more than I know. She’s so freaking happy there. And last night she let slip that her teacher has, indeed, asked whether I live with her dad. Which is a good question, teacher! Good. Question.
Ah well. I’m supposed to visit with MY dad today after they get back from church and various other errands/chores/homeworks.
STILL haven’t found my Wolfcard, and need to fold Mount Laundry tonight; that’ll probably be a job for wine and I, Claudius later tonight.
Consider this entry complete. CONSIDER IT!
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