Cringe away, but I'm comforted by musicals at the moment.
Courtesy of Matilda:
"Just because you find that life's not fair, it / doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it / if you always take it on the chin and wear it nothing will change.
Just because I find myself in this story / it doesn't mean that everything is written for me. / If I think the ending is fixed already / I might as well be saying / I think that it's okay.
And that's not right / And if it's not right / I've got to put it right"
...and Into the Woods, naturally. Although I don't have any lyrics ready to go. Except, maybe, "When going to hide know how to get there. / And how to get back. / And eat first." which speaks to my epigenetics, I bet.
Just got through telling L "Bad news doesn't age well" and then paraphrased what that meant and I'm pretty sure she understood none of it, but also - maybe it'll lodge itself in her brain and she'll be able to access it later.
There's this dynamic that keeps recurring and it's not the best, and it perhaps explains a little bit about how I got to where I am with S. I've been thinking about it this week. Things feel far away and not so bad and not so immediately emergent right now...because he's not here. He's in Seward. It's been seven days since he's been home. Therefore, things are...fine. So I have the habit of being lulled into feeling like maybe I'm overreacting and things aren't so bad, etc. Or, at least, like I don't have to do anything because there is no immediate emergency.
However, I have four pieces of homework this week related to all this (not even homework homework) and I'm chipping away at it even though it feels squicky. I was listening to a podcast while supervising a play session outside at the church parking lot with L and her neighbor friend and it seemed pretty legit. They mentioned repetitive neural connections driving a lot of this nonsense (heck yeah it does), it being the listener's job to build boundaries and enforce them (which makes me want to vomit, but...yeah), and directly addressing the thought that if I just do the right thing long enough everything will finally be okay...but that in actuality, the listener will never be able to defend themselves adequately or change the other person's narrative in which they are a terrible person. And I guess that's the root of it for me. I can't change that narrative. I am not a villain, per se, but I stopped trying to "outperform" the criticism years ago. But in any case, a couple of the pieces of homework I still feel concerned about because I don't feel prepared enough.
"You'll never feel prepared enough, Clara." you say. "You don't typically feel prepared at all. For, uh, anything." And while that's not cute at my age, it is true.
All right. Time to complete the Fine Motor Kit that's not a kit at all but a protocol? I know professors think they're so cool being vague with assignment guideline because ThAt'S hOw It Is In ReAl LiFe. Well, I come to this program from real life and I'm familiar - it's not all that great! So how about we just have clear expectations somewhere/anywhere. That being said, yes. I know it's pronounced "If you're so fucking perfect do it yourself." Besos, love, and appreciation, but Jesus. This peds class is not starting out great, I gotta say.
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