Ice Ice Baby

 Sorry. I had to. It's...icy. It went and got too warm this January and now the city is glazed over. I almost couldn't get in my driveway! I had to cling to the side of the curb like a limpet, wait for all the cars to pass (and there are a lot - I live on a main-ish road) and then back up and scooch ever-so-slowly up to the church parking lot across the street. Then wait for my opportunity to turn left! Inch toward my driveway! Turn right! And gun it up the iced-over driveway. Alaska this is bogus. Alaska, this is also better than shoveling half my life away and I guess I'll shut it 'cause that could still happen.

So. Remember all that stuff I wrote about last time? Yes? S spent the evening mulling only to decide that he does not, in fact, think we should separate and Things Were Said. I believe there are two possibilities (okay - more than two, but my brain is pretty black-and-white so): a) discussing separation repeatedly is a tactic to get desired behavior from me. I'm not entirely against this but have spent the last ten years trying to figure out what that behavior might be and there are no Ws in this chat if you know what I mean? So...no? b) changing his mind over the separation might be his way of stalling for when he's more ready. Because - I'll be honest - I have not changed my mind. 

I'm taking this as more time to prepare for when things get extremely cows and barns swirling around in tornadoes. I'm also trying to keep in mind the last phrase I got struck between the eyes with at the end of a yoga class (aka the most vulnerable time in a white millennial woman's day):

"There is the abuse of forcing change on someone who isn't ready to receive it."

Usually they go on about letting the soft animal of your body love what it loves (Oliver, 1986) or seeing the dual nature of light and dark in all things and beings and breath unlocking your parasympathetic response (always good) and that's all well and good. But this seemed a bit pointed and a bit relevant and a bit indicatory that I might need to be okay with ambiguity (oh, great, this again /s) in this situation. And by this situation I mean my life.