You Only Get One _________

 Sunny day today and low 60s; I never remember this happening when I grew up here. I just remember bitter cold wind. But...no. It's so nice? Climate change? We're in shorts (L) and short sleeves (both of us)? Science - despite the Trump and Vance signs everywhere - rules us all.

We had a sleepover at my brother's house last night (he has a nice little house) and honestly he and G are doing a great job raising the kids; there are some things I have side-eye for (like spanking at all and expecting a four-year-old AMAB to be potty trained overnight [????????]) but they G, at least, is all for accommodations and sensory and developmentally-appropriate.

We stayed up late playing Trine, which was nice. And I got to spend some time with my brother one-on-one which was also nice. This last while picking up dinner in town. The drive times are just so much longer here. The speed limits so much higher. Texas is BIG.

Today we're getting ice cream and coffee, going to the square, the library, and another park.

We went to Wade park yesterday (oh the memories) and it was all great until a group of teens came up and started acting ridiculously toxic masculinity. Like, just, I hate it. It happens everywhere, I guess. I just hate it. And I never know what to do. Go up and talk to them? Open an alternative playground for persons with a bunch of hormones to do whatever and just keep it the fuck away from the littles? *sigh*

Anyway. We're supposed to get together with the cousins this afternoon, and have a burger cookout this evening but I'm not clear on if they think they want to do it at their house or at our Airbnb. If you're reading this and you aren't aware, if you are renting the Airbnb you have to let the hosts know what to expect if there's going to be any tomfoolery, shenanigans or hijinks. Since they haven't let me know if they want me to ask the host yet, I haven't. I'm waiting for the go-ahead. I am super anxiety about asking questions without any clear date of event. So I just [exhale] will be lowkey anxious about it for a little bit, I guess. 

Unless it's the Celsius. I brought a Celsius to my brother's house to drink this morning, and good thing I did because there was a potty accident right off the bat lol.

Had a dream last night that I was married to D instead of S and I was trying to figure out how to address all the problems going on with that. Then I had a strange third front tooth that turned green and I had to go get it extracted [sigh].

Hope your Monday is good, and your Tuesday is better.

This IS Texas; AND it's Hold-'em

We made it to Paris! Well, somewhere outside of Paris close-ish to Powderly the night before last. 6 hours of plane, 2 hours of driving, and some time in-between to eat a little dinner and pickup a Target order just in case we'll need chicken nuggets - which we will.

The cottage is beyond cute and it's still Christmas here; there's a Christmas tree nestled in the corner of the living room, a cozy fake fire, and antiques that are classic North Texas strewn throughout. It's so, so quiet; there's a pond and squirrels scooting around, and a trail that we're going to explore this morning after I've had a chance to journal (this), finish my coffee, and take a bubble bath in the claw-footed bathtub (lifelong dream: realized). 

I feel...relaxed. It's good to see my brother and his sweet angel of a wife who helped me out when I got stuck in the mud when leaving their house last night waaaaaaay too late at night. I'm sick and taking Dayquil/Nyquil religiously and so I feel tongue-tied, but it's been very nice getting to connect with my SIL. I hope we're not an imposition. It feels worrisome, sometimes. You know?

We watched Inside Out 2 last night when we got home and yes - the anxiety is strong. In me, in you, in all of us.

I've tried FaceTiming S at least once a day since we've landed with no response. He asked if we could FaceTime yesterday, but reception is very spotty at my brother's house, so there was no way it could work. I tried calling him again when we got back to the cottage around 6:00 PM Alaska Time. No answer.

I'm lowkey sad about that; less for me, more for L. 

I cried a bit on the plane. Airports are a good space for me to process thoughts and feelings. I've been putting it off for ages, but at the airport in-between Security and the flight boarding I managed to book an appointment with Lyra, get headphones for L, and haphazardly obtain four stuffies to give to her cousins as belated Christmas presents. 

The flights and transitions were...stressful. But better than they would have been if S was there, I guess? I have to assume it's me. It's hard for me to feel like I'm supported in stressful situations unless the other person has really confirmed over and over again that they have my back. And I can certainly see how that might not be the most rewarding use of a person's time, if that makes sense?

I'm still terrified about what the prospect of separating might look like. But I guess I know what I need to do. Cry, process, journal, therapy, just be there for my kid. Get her resources. Get a new phone/phone plan. Start the un-enmeshing process. Find a storage unit, etc. It's probably better that it happen now, in the Spring, than in the Summer or Fall. Because I'm not necessarily going to be able to have the type of flexibility needed to accomplish any of the (unknown) things I'm going to need to accomplish during this Whole Thing.

And also, one day in not me being like, "What would it be like being closer to my brother? L's cousins?"

Okay, enough of that for today. We have a property to explore, ice cream to eat, dinner to obtain, and a second-largest Eiffel tower in the world to gawk at (again).

Holliest of the Jolly

Christmas Eve S asked for a separation again; I said yes, and then cried a little. He went on to get lowkey angry that I didn't At LeAsT wAnT tO wOrK oN mYsElF. So we talked about that a little bit. But, bottomline: we're on schedule to separate after L and I get back from Texas.

Then I went work and when I got back at 5:30 he said he wanted to take a nap. Okay? He proceeds to go to sleep for the rest of the night. Why, you ask? Probably because the two bottles of Jameson that are hidden (?) outside behind the back door. So N and L and I stayed up and watched movies while S and M slept and.... Like, Christmas is not my favorite holiday. I like New Year's, I like the obligatory offbeat holidays, I've warmed up to Halloween a lot over the years. But you know who does like Christmas a whole bunch and probably wants to see their dad? Um - kids. I just feel shitty.

I feel shitty that this Christmas was so shitty. I feel shitty that I didn't do a better job. I feel shitty that S did such a shitty job. And guess the fuck what? After Christmas dinner my MIL fell and her husband and I caught her, basically, and S's friend, Sc, got her her walker and guess who missed the entire thing whilst in the bathroom? S. Fucking of course and fucking why?

Anyway. *sigh*

I guess I'm maddest about how his nonesense tends to affect my relationship with the kids. Should it? No. Is that mostly me being REACTIVE? YES. Note to self note to self note to self. 

This morning I was on my computer watching Dr. Who and making a list for packing. Why? Because I like to do that. I like lists. I like packing. I like those things and doing them last minute. I have to work today and I wanted to relax before I go to work a little sick and inevitably have to do floors despite being nearly fucking 40, guys. 

But no. <angry tone> "You could at least help me clean the house before you have to leave for work." </angry tone>

Cue the nonverbal anger, cue stomping around and picking up and just.... Mess. Now I am holed up in my/our room journalling because that seems necessary before I further pack for work and pull out the luggage on the bed to pack this evening.*

Just: fucking fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I can't fix this.

*Which I will then be criticized for; "Why is this out on the bed? Why didn't you pack it yet? I wAnTeD tO tAkE a NaP."

More Waiting! More Car-Related Stuff!

I don't know if you caught it, but evidently some hacker group held the Starbucks timekeeping/scheduling app ransom for a few weeks. It's back online now (and has been for some time), but I put scheduling an oil change off for a while as a result.

But now, here I am, on Christmas Eve Eve sitting at the dealership waiting for the free oil change that's part of the lifetime warranty!

I don't feel great. I'm probably sick. And I would like to go to two more store before Christmas. We'll see how I do; a lot depends on how long I'm stuck here today; the earliest possible appointment was at 11:00 AM and I have to be at work by 3:00. We'll see.

Like a Hamster In a Wheel

Chasing my own tail a bit these past few days. The different parts of self bickering, trying to jump their respective tracks and come to a sort of accord to push things forward.

"I don't know what to do." "You need to do pilates and then take a shower." "No, there's something else." (felt sense) "No, you have to do those things; anything else can be shoved somewhere else in time you have to go to work this morning." "Okay. Um. Okay." (pushes hard at the motivational block and uncertainty and only one cup of coffee vibes that are the morning) "I really feel like I need to release these feelings." "Can it wait?" "No. Yes. I don't know." "Can you do it in 5 minutes?" "Yeah!" (lies) "Okay." and lather, rinse, repeat.

Last night was rough-ish. I came home and got stuck in a Big Sit and then realized it was almost 9:00 PM. I went to go kiss L goodnight, but she was already passed out in her bed. The last day of school hit hard, I think. I kiss her and notice she smells like poop. Hm. Okay. I tell her I'm going to check her and see poop in her underwear. *sigh*

I try to keep the lights low but run her a bath. I hustle her out of bed and into the bath by candlelight (why? I don't know. It was late. I was tired. I didn't want her to be bouncing off the walls afterwards, I guess, and candlelight seemed like the best option in the moment.), threw away her underwear and got her a new nightgown. She went back to bed. 

I went to bed. Then S was up and down all fucking night. Tossing. Turning. Muttering. Swallowing Really Loud (do I have misophonia? Maybe.). Smacking at me once, maybe? Telling me loudly I'm grinding my teeth (fair, I guess). Anyway. Didn't sleep well. And then, once he'd gotten up around 6:00 AM came storming into the room to say, "Did L have a poop accident last night?" "Yes...." "There's shit all over the tub." 🙄 Yes. That's on me. But jeez. All I wanted was a chill night, goodness.

The card for today is the Two of Coins reversed. This means lack of balance, disorganization, difficulty prioritizing, overcommitment and inability to juggle life's responsibility. Golf clap for my tarot deck. Golf clap to the max.

Work today (and probably extending a little bit because I know for sure one person has called out), and then going to see the gingerbread village redux downtown followed by Tha Mall. There are also about a skillion things I've been procrastinating because...I don't know. Because see the Two of Coins reversed reading. There should be time now. I should be able to play catchup and take care of all my shit and make things nice like an adult should! Deal with my nonsense!

But no. I am, instead, stuck in big sits. Thinking about Things and counting down the days 'til things are due. Things do not get done until they are due. Like, when the boys get here. When it's Christmas. When we go on our trip to Texas. 

Blarg. I need an adult.

Good thing I guess

 Today is the first day I am officially off for the winter semester. Nothing due, nothing to do - or so I thought.

Last night I finished up work, finished up my very last assignment and then started down the road to an extra credit assignment for my pediatrics course. I queued up a podcast episode about maternal and infant mental health, went to the gym, and picked up L. We went to Costco and I dutifully asked if I could bring S anything from Costco. I got the things. We checked out. I took the bumpy road out of the parking lot (first mistake), and then the highway (second mistake).

While turning out onto King Street I remembered getting a flat tire with R in Mississippi back when we were dating. On the highway it felt like we went over something bumpy and then I realized we had a flat tire. We turned off the highway and made it as far as Northern Lights ABC parking lot before it landed that there was no way we were making it home. 

S came to our rescue. Changed the tire for the spare. The thing about spare tires is that you are not supposed to go over 50 miles per hour on them. The other thing is that you're not supposed to travel over 50 miles on them. 

So I dropped L off at school this morning and am at New Sagaya. Probably for the day. I don't know if the tire can be fixed. But that seems like the first port of call. The mobile tire guy is booked up this morning but between 1:00 and 2:50 they can come take a look. I kind of think it'll just be a case where, just like last time, I'll end up having to replace all four tires. Which sucks. But I'm trying not to be too...upset about it. I'm mean I'm not upset, I just wanted to, like, not have to do those extra pieces of coordination. I wanted a day to sleep. I wanted today to be it. I wanted to relax for a minute. *sigh*

But it was nice to know that S can step up to help us.

Voice Memo (VM): September 1 2023

 "...and if my temperament in that respect was anything like my grandmother's temperament it makes sense that she was pretty angry because as far as I know she didn't have the things to focus on that I did or I do. Um, she didn't have a full-time job. She had a part-time job, and that was maybe pretty unusual considering her life situation, but she needed that occupation, right? So as to...probably so as to feel okay about herself. I'm just so disappointed in myself as regards things like getting myself to work on the house and my energy level and, um, yeah. It's very difficult in the sense that when something goes wrong, um. Not like an emergency sort of thing with things like the microwave breaking. Like, you look on Youtube and you fix it, right? Um. Actually I don't I probably would have just been like, well, we don't have a microwave anymore! And then S being like, "Oh. We gotta go out and buy one now." No, we probably don't. Just go on Youtube and it's a hinge. You can fix it! But needing something like that interplay to be able to handle whatever the fuck it is. Um. The piles of laundry! That's actually a lot better than it ever has been, but it's a buttload of laundry. And that's something that's stressful for other people. Like, I understand that it's [unintelligible] of laundry and that they do things like try to get stains out, whereas I can't seem to do that and it is frustrating for everyone else, and it is frustrating for me. Um. And like everything just becomes wall paper. Immediately. The minute I see it, it's instantly wallpaper. Which, fucking sucks, because it's good that you notice it and are adaptable, right? But sometimes it needs to be fucking fixed. So things like that. I can't imagine what life would be like if I were with someone who was more, like, uptight about stuff like that. Or competent. And perhaps couldn't understand why I wasn't more competent. Now, that being said, being with S hasn't proved to be any better in some ways because he, too, despite not having better skills, or even, sometimes, comparable ones has definitely made, um, more of these things my problem than I thought they already were. Um. That's fun. That's extremely fun. And I end feeling like I can't fucking win, um. In trying to kind of avoid judgement, I still ended up being in a relationship where I'm extremely very much judged, which makes me sad and makes me angry and I know that there is some legitimate- legitimacy to the concern. Um, but I also have a strong motivation, volition, I guess, to do shit. So there's a lot of not, um. What is it.... It's a lot of not knowing. A lot of chasing my tail and a lot of not knowing if x is a big problem, or a little problem, or if it's something that I can manage for now or not manage or...yeah. It's just a fucking mess, really, all of it. And I don't fucking love that."

Bonus Episode

 I feel like journaling, but I don't know what about.

Things are...okayish. Two more weeks in the semester (or something like that), and it feels like every step is sucking me down into the middle of the earth. But:

- I've worked out three days in a row now

- I got the placement I wanted for the Summer! Yay!

- My brain and body are intent on getting me dopamine in roundabout ways, and for that I'm grateful.

- I'm relatively on top of the laundry and housecleaning for now

- I'm relatively healthy for now

- I'm chipping away at making appointments for health reasons

- I'm drinking more water and much much less alcohol

But:

- I let L stay home from school today after driving her all the way to school, and now she wants to go to swimming because she "feels better"; I don't think there was a way to win that parenting moment, though. She has to go to school tomorrow. No two ways about it.

- I don't know what I'm working next week and so I can't schedule the third of three tests I have going on.

- I completely forgot to get the Elf on the Shelf out of storage on December 1st and so now there is this rigamarole around "writing a letter to Santa" to tell him to let Snowflake come back and be our elf.

- I totally forgot about advent calendars

- I'm not on top of Christmas presents whatsoever and who the fuck knows how this all is going to shake out.

- S has been on strike as far as signing Christmas cards goes and I don't know I might just say "fuck it" and say they're just from L and me 🤷

Thanksgiving turned into annual Deep Clean the Fridge Day while I caught up on business lectures and learned all about how Florida is a cesspool for Medicare fraud (!!). 

S said he saw all the work I was putting in and that it was appreciated and I just.... Ugh. That's something that's supposed to feel good, right? It doesn't. I know I do a lot of work. And I know that sometimes I...don't. 

*sigh* Maybe I'm just too far up the spiral staircase that leads from Trying to Not Giving a Fuck.

Well, that's not entirely true. But O - to be Jessica Fletcher in Murder, She Wrote. I've started rewatching it in bits and pieces and it still hits. Well - mostly, haha.

Okay. When shall we three meet again? Who the fuck knows - not me!

Anchorage

 by Jo Harjo. 

Three nights ago I couldn't sleep. I was interrupted three times after trying to go to be early (post-Costco, post-watching the stage production recording of Spirited Away and completely muffing my daughter's dreams of scripting and performing a play based on The Digital Circus that same night). The third time I got angry and that kept me up almost all night. 

Stuck in this closed-circuit system where...if I can't sleep then I can't put on a sleep story/meditation in my bed, because that'll disturb S (and rightfully so); I can't go sleep in the office, because this will Imply Things and we don't want that; I can't go sleep with L, because that's upsetting for S; I can't sleep downstairs on the couch because that, too, will imply things. After doom scrolling for a while I settled on sleeping on the couch with MST3K playing in the background. 

Friendsgiving with T & V two nights ago; S chose to go to a movie with my dad instead. I'm glad they're hanging out, in a way, and surprised in another. After the massive fight we had about T & V coming over to the house, it's been in question whether S feels like they are his friends or not; we're kind of in the weeds regarding the semantics of each person's friends versus couple friends, and I feel like T & V get caught in a gray area between my friends and couple friends since she moved here when I'd just started dating S. Maybe S would have come over later, but his friend, Sc, needed comforting so I think that's where he is.

You’ll be happy to know that I still get nosebleeds - pretty profuse ones too! Blow your nose in the shower and wind up with a handful of blood and clots.