Yes, this is pretty much how my inner monologue works.

Internal Therapist (IT): So. How do you feel now that all that's done?

Me: Okay, I guess? It feels unreal that it's over. That I get to rest today. That I did rest today. That I have a minute to breathe and maybe exert agency over my environment, you know? Weird.

IT: That sounds hard - like a lot's changed in the past four months.

Me: Oh, yeah. For sure. Not as much as could have, I guess....

IT: What do you mean?

Me: I'm sometimes surprised that I'm still...here, I guess? Maybe I thought more would change? But I'm still here, you know. Time's still slipping by.

IT: What did you think would be different?

Me: Well, they - everybody in my program, right? - said that this semester would be the most difficult. And it was so fucking hard. But then, everything is so fucking hard for me, right? And just...I don't know. I guess I thought maybe S would lose his mind more than he did (and, I mean, he did at certain times and in certain ways) but....

IT: Were you maybe hoping for some bigger life changes?

Me: ...yeah. I guess. But I still don't know what that would look like.

IT: And is this something that you feel like you deal with over and over?

Me: The expectation of change?

IT: Yeah. Or disappointment. Maybe those expectations being met.

Me: I guess. But I really don't like it framed like...that? It makes me feel like a bitch who nothing is good enough for. Like, I really do feel like there are expectations that I'm not meeting too, you know? And I want to be able to extend compassion to S and my parents and myself and my kid and not feel like I'm just this ungrateful teenager. When so much of my life is going pretty okay, right?

IT: Are you asking me or telling me?

Me: Telling.

IT: It's okay to have expectations. Expectations can be like this picture in your head of what you want something or some experience to be like. Everyone has that! It's not a moral judgment of some kind.

Me: It feels like it is, though. My expectation shouldn't be more important than everyone else's expectation.

IT: Well...and it's not. Everyone's expectations are the most important to them. It's not like a competition. And it can feel super dis-integrating to put someone else's expectations above your own. It's about how we compromise, the process that goes into that.

Me: Okay. But...how? How do I compromise without putting someone else's expectations above my own? Isn't that how it intrinsically works?

IT: Maybe the dialogue itself is supposed to be transformative. I know you've done a lot of boundary work in the past....

Me: Yeah.

IT: And you talked a lot about big boundaries where they weren't really necessary and inadequate ones where there really needed to be better ones.

Me: Yeah.

IT: Maybe this is one of those times where you have a big boundary standing in-between this communication piece with your spouse, coworkers, family - whatever it is - and maybe that's not the right place for it. Maybe it belongs in-between the big emotional outburst from a customer - just as an example - instead. Or in-between this snarky comment from your kid's teacher instead. You know?

Me: Yeah. That makes sense. I think it's hard, though, because I end up feeling like I'm defending my point of view, like I'm getting attacked, and then I feel even more dug into my own perspectives, if that makes sense.

IT: It does. What if we tried using boundaries a different way there? Let's research that.