Urgh. It's my kid's actual birthday today. I worked 5.25 hours today because I like things like health insurance and coffee in exchange for labor. S and L spent the night downstairs last night on the couch pullout bed. This is something that she likes to do - she calls it a sleepover and it's typically pretty fun. I've fallen asleep to Ralph Wrecks the Internet the last two times we've done it. It's also been nice to see S taking on a little more time with her.
And I got home today and started just...catching up, I guess? Asking the questions: what did you do? Did you go to Grandma's? She's obsessed with going to the park down the road from our house but it's been infested with tweens lately. And tweens are lovely, but tweens are also a little...rowdy, and developmentally doing things in small groups that five-year-old's just don't need to see and hear. Full stop. So I tell her in about 30 minutes. S get's a little stormy about this. But I do want her to leave the house and be outside sometimes. I grew up outside. It's good for anybody, etc. And then I ask if she went to Grandma's. She whispers at S that he said he would take her but he never did. Then he gets really angry and tells her that they're going to Grandma's now. And glares at me and barks at me to enjoy my nap.
*sigh*
So I meditated for 10 minutes and now I'm doing this. I'll finish my lectures and start my lab worksheet and tidy up a bit and fold laundry. I was a little pissed because that was the time I had earmarked to spend with my family. And now who knows when they'll be back. Or if they'll be back tonight.
Did I tell you about my attachment style questionnaire? The Most Recent Therapist did one and when he scored it the first time said I had an anxious attachment style. I said I thought it was more likely avoidant or dismissive. The following session he said he'd rescored it and that I was avoidant. If I ever did stand-up comedy that would probably be a part of the set: "So. If my therapist tells me I have an anxious attachment style and I tell them I think I'm avoidant instead does that make me dismissive?" (It does.) What I didn't know when I thought of that was that avoidant is dismissive. Lord. How confusing.
So anyway, one of my hopes is that L have a more secure attachment style than me or her father. How? Not the fuck this way I'll tell you that.
*sigh*
I don't know. The way she attaches so strongly to some people and not at all to others reminds me of myself. I don't know if it resembles how her father operated as a kid or not. I'm not sure he'd even be able to remember. But I recall holding on to caregivers I preferred and not letting them go; playfully, sure, but still. If I preferred a person I just really really didn't want to let them go. And as a young adult I think I attributed that to moving away from close family and that being sort of traumatic. And I suppose she's had similar things happen in her life (her brothers coming in and out of her life; S spending six months away from home), so maybe I wasn't all that far off. But still: interesting. And I'm sad about it. But perhaps it was always going to be triggered in some way. Life's like that, after all. I think it's good that at this point I can understand a good amount of what little kids might be feeling. What she might be feeling. It's hard to be a kid. And the feelings are all-consuming. Just being there. Just being there is key.
Her birthday part was a couple of days ago. I rented a park with a pirate ship on it (which is surprisingly affordable - check it out sometime) for several hours and a perfect amount of people came. The sun even came out for part of it. There was a dance party, kids running wild (but safe and fairly contained), and cake and Costco pizza. There was a piñata that we made ourselves and she really loved her gifts. We've even managed to send a few thank you videos. I even managed to put away most of the party shit the very same day we got home. There were flashes of love and appreciation from S. I guess those are gone now, lol. I took a nap and went to work early the next day like nothing had ever happened.
Glitter crash is real. Even if it's from parties, not shows.
Ah, well. I'd better get on with it. We're doing somatosensory stuff tomorrow and the lab sheet is 18 pages long. Let's gooooooo!
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