On the fence about writing an email that will certainly bounce or this. But have gone with this, because: things have happened. I don't remember how to write letters anymore. And that is all.
So. S is going in and out of town intermittently again. To Moose Pass. I imagine it to be something like Haines? Denali township? I don't know. Everything is beautiful and damned in Alaska and so, probably, is this place. Which reminds me to watch Northern Exposure. And I will certainly forget that and the cycle with thenceforth continue. My mother-in-law is the not-so-proud owner of a working diagnosis of ALS. And that means a lot of fatigue and general uncertainty and inability to coordinate her RLE. Anyway, point being: S ended up not being able to be physically present on a Sunday, and my in-laws are in the throes of nesting (that's not the right word, but I haven't learnt the right one yet) as regards the ALS. So L ended up spending the night at my parent's house since I typically open on weekends (5:30 AM).
Well. What with the last-minute nature of the request and all, my mom decided to ask me to come to a church luncheon after work. I agreed, and man. Was it interesting. I'm glad they've found a place and sense of community in Anchorage. I wonder if they would have settled for something like this back when we were kids. It's nice to see them making friends and dates to hang out (reassuring-like). The sheer number of children in families and laissez-faire attitude to them running around the halls, in-and-out of doors, and in the unfenced parking lot by a major road was a little mind-boggling, but also put in me in mind of my childhood. (e.g., did they know that I got chased to the minivan by two neighborhood boys in the church parking lot and locked the doors because I was genuinely fucking scared? I don't know. Would they care if they did? Also not sure.) And then L got punched in the gut by some random child (I think?) and wow time to go. On the one hand it was nice to know where the fuck L is when she "goes to church" with my parents. On another: maybe I should ask for Sunday mornings off at least, so that when inevitably my spouse cannot watch her at least she will not be running riot in a building the definition of Presbyterian latchkey liminal space. And maybe take her to a Unitarian church instead.
*cradles head in hands* It's not that L isn't getting communal engagement exactly, it's just that my threshold is a lot lower than hers. I'm like: cool. School + after school activities + friends sometimes + family = more than enough thanks. For her, a day without spending 6+ hours with another child is a day wasted. She freaked after running into a friend's grandma at Costco because she assumed running into the grandma meant running into the friend too. ...it didn't.
So we're doing this thing in grad school right now where having belabored the importance of occupations for therapy versus rote movement we're now breaking that down into components and I don't...think? The professors ever broke that concept down explicitly. Which is fine! I get it. It's pretty instinctive. It's the whole: here is a broad concept. Shush. Don't worry about the details - we'll fill that in later. It's like that with art, writing, dancing, and music too, probably, although I can't speak to that as much. It's very reassuring. I get the way OTs think (mostly). And I guess OTs are regarded by other hleping professions as this very specific type of person. One meeting I had with a professor of social work at a university in Kansas quickly laid it out at the start of the session that they knew how OTs think and valued that. So I suppose it's useful? And I suppose I've found my right-now calling! Although I'm not quite sure how to pivot it for my capstone. Hm. Back to that again.
I got a Costco membership for the first time in about four years yesterday and it felt oddly like homecoming. That sounds sad. And maybe it is! But also: I'll take what I can get. If it gets the dopamine flowing and is relevant to life I'm here for it. It's partly about the gas discount, partly because I tire of Fred Meyer forgetting to put key things in my pickup order while I, in tandem, forget to check the order against a list of items ordered and rinse and renew. Also I wanted to order pizzas from Costco for L's birthday party on Saturday. So. I'd better actually do that this morning after yoga because I ran out of initiative after getting the membership and then some macaroni and cheese at Costco yesterday and oh, yeah. I'm back on the yoga bandwagon again. S doesn't go grocery shopping with us anymore anyway so that shouldn't be an issue. And the boys will probably be perpetually hungry. So there's that.
My mother-in-law sent a puzzle home with us for no reason a few days ago and I've been obsessed. It's on the coffee table and S hasn't been very happy about it. Wants to put the unsolved puzzle pieces in a bowl. I'm not proud of how I said, "Well, maybe we could send it back to your mom - she sent it over." But he did stop mean mugging about it and indicating that he wanted it somewhere else. I'm planning on doing it some more while listening to a lecture today. I was going to hang out at a coffee shop until pickup time, but: eh.
Planning parties are about the equivalent of choreographing, costuming, finding props for, and performing a dance piece for me. I have this Idea. It seems like a good idea. And then...the logistics. Small setbacks. Other people! The constraints of time and volition. L wanted a Sonic the Hedgehog themed birthday, which is fine. She wanted it at her grandma's house, which was not fine what with all the health concerns floating about lately, etc., etc. So I rented a park, which is pretty reasonable in Anchorage (and I need to print out the piece of paper to prove it), although I'm sure there will be some snag with that. I ordered the cake, favors, found a shirt with the characters on it for her to wear and am hopefully going to start the process of making an Eggman pinata today because I'm not sure who is willing to fork out $50 for an Eggman pinata on Amazon but I do know it's not me. I am perpetually concerned that the effort I have and am and will put(ting) into this will somehow not be enough and things will go wrong and the type of inevitable crying that results from L will be the wrong kind (I'm totally willing to tolerate usual types of crying, like, "I'm too overstimulated because positive things are happening" or "I'm mildly disappointed but not in any sort of objectively horrible way") and that's anxiety for ya, baby.
One of the little reminders I put in a draft of this was "-My damn brain and Things" but I can't for the life of me remember what that was about. And perhaps that's the point. So whatever I was going to say? Consider it said.
Among my least favorite personal qualities (of self) are Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and Premenstrual Dysphoria Disorder (PMDD). While I'm grateful that the physical symptoms of menstruation aren't really that bad comparatively (I don't mind that I bleed; it typically doesn't hurt; I'm more or less like woooooo when the pre- part of menstruation is over; also this song) the mood disorder part feels like I am at first gradually and then completely immersed in an extremely downbeat Russian film about a very tragic Russian novel from perhaps the early 20th century. It's not great. And although the pace of experiencing it is very predictable it seriously weighs on a person to experience that for between one and two weeks every month. Okay. Now. RSD. This sucks at the best of times, but layer that on top of PMDD and things.... Yeah. But! I was able to talk myself through a layered RSD/PMDD experience lately and I feel oddly proud about it and wanted to tell someone. Did I let myself have a lil' tantrum about The Totally Reasonable Thing I was being called in/out on? Yes. Did I allow myself to feel legitimately salty about the tone of the call in/out? Yes. Was I able to emphasize to myself that everyone makes mistakes and that's part of learning and my brain is my brain and this is likely to happen and guess what I can have accommodations? Also yes. Did I make my own damn accommodation once I realized what I needed and could do it easily? Yes.
Now go have the best day you can, make your own accommodations if you need it, and hey: I think you're great.
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