Wednesday, January 31, 2024

Happy birthday!

It's hovering between -12 F and -9 F for your birthday here. The air is glitter and kind of makes me cough. We've had over 100 inches of snow this winter and it looks it.

I hope you get to do fun things with people you love for your birthday and that work isn't too stressful. I hope it's sunny and you don't have SAD. I hope there are real, live actual signs of spring because you don't live in The Arctic.

I miss you, of course.

Happy birthday!

Wednesday, January 17, 2024

OT school journal prompt: Write a list of ten things you want to be able to remember during your most difficult times.

1. You are breathing.

2. You can make a good choice in this situation.

3. Your daughter - make her proud.

4. You are enough.

5. Water the grass you want to grow. 

6. The slower we go the faster we get there.

7. Slow is smooth; smooth is fast.

8. This tornado loves you.

9. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

10. You are bigger on the inside.

Monday, January 15, 2024

Double Grande Iced Toffeenut Oatmilk No Ice Chai Latte

 - I don't see how people don't see that Taylor Tomlinson looks like a young Carrie Fisher. Do you see it?

- The Wizard of Oz has much in common with a classic D&D campaign. Discuss.

- I'm getting competent enough at work that it's starting to be fun again! Whew. Only five months to competency. Free band name if you're looking.

- Thing I did not say in drive-through so you get to hear it (lucky you): "Money talks, but who's listenin'?" *smacks gum*

- Sporadically gathering anecdotes for a Someday Screenplay. The one I was thinking about today in the shower (aka The Thinking Chamber) is when all hell broke loose following Kid X telling Kid Y that when they grew up they were going to get married and he was going to put his penis in her vagina. *sigh* To be honest I was way more freaked out about it then than I would be now. I think now I would just be like, "That's not appropriate to say in school or maybe at all (ask your grownup; as a matter of fact let's circle them in RIGHT NOW). It sounds like those words are how you feel, but when you use those words in that order while being purposely covert that can make other people feel threatened and uncomfortable. Maybe you want to tell her that you love her and hope she's in your life for a long time? Yeah? Okay, how about you tell her that then."

- L has been sleeping in her own bed consistently but wakes me up multiple times a night because that's how sleep cycles work and she wants a sleep story to be restarted. I don't necessarily have a problem with this. S does, which is valid. I'm sure many people would. However last night she entered the room and he told her that if she didn't go to her room and stay there he would get rid of her Barbie Dreamhouse(tm). This, of course, woke me up and activated my panic response way more than just getting up and starting a new sleep story for her would have. Also I just ended up starting a lullaby for her anyway because...not the point. Focus, Clara. Okay. So point being: come to find out that she ended up needing to use the bathroom (although she doesn't usually do that in the middle of the night? What's going on with that?) and said that she "called daddy lots of times to tell him that I needed to go potty but he didn't listen" (him being asleep; that tracks) and ended up peeing in her diaper, taking it off, putting on a new one, and repeating the process such that I found two sodden diapers on her bedroom floor this morning. Bruh. So I guess we're having a little chat when he gets home tonight. 

- I have gotten sucked in by True Detective Season 4. Good job everyone. It's understandable that they didn't shoot in Alaska *glares at Don Young*. 

Sunday, January 14, 2024

Emotional Motion Sickness (not pictured)

The ice dam formed again this year. No big surprise. It snowed so much. And is continuing to. We didn't shovel the roof off. I don't know, man. Where's my motivation? Why couldn't I just shovel the roof off as soon as it snowed? Why can't I just garden in the garden and mow the lawn and just do the damn thing. Why why why why why.

Picking up L from my mom's yesterday and spilling the tea about S probably quitting his job (yet again) and getting another one (which will certainly end up sending him out of town). Her question was whether or not he was still interested in joining the carpenter's union as an apprentice. (Not yet.) Whether he was dyslexic (yes) and maybe that was why he didn't want to do the paperwork (maybe? But it's certainly not...I don't know. It hasn't stopped him from doing other similar things, honestly.). I said it might have to do with his ADHD and the followthrough piece. Which I also struggle with. Which I did mention. She replied that she felt like I do as a matter of fact followthrough with "everything". I said thanks, but no. Nearly nothing. She said like what and I cited massage therapy as an example. She said she thought I just decided it wasn't something I really wanted to be involved with. Aww. Moms are very...myopic with things like that sometimes.

Anyway, if this one Instagram I follow is correct, ADHDers don't tend to be motivated by rewards systems. This is great news in the sense that it retroactively justifies a lot of my own nonsense to myself. The task itself is the reward because accomplishing it gives you the dopamine. Or is it that the dopamine is obtained by imagining the rewards moreso than actually obtaining it?

I used to have these systems where I would create rewards for myself (things like a set of space knives I really liked on Amazon or three dollar stickers from Etsy - occasionally experiences like a horseback ride or tattoo. Stuff like that.) for accomplishing x or y. Usually something like paying off a credit card or working out a certain number of days in a month, etc. The thing was that once I had accomplished x or y it wasn't fun to get the reward because now the reward itself became a task? If that makes sense? Or even if it doesn't!

Like - excellent. I have paid off all my credit cards or saved an emergency fund or worked out 26 day this month! Cool. I earned a sticker. Now I...shit. Now I have to get the sticker. Fuck. Its own special kind of hell going through the steps to do that.

Perhaps there is some correlation between ADHD and limerence. Wouldn't that explain a thing or two!

But at the same time I quite like gamifying things. So...I don't know.

Thursday, January 11, 2024

"Glagnar's Human Rinds: They're a Buncha Muncha CRUNCHA Human"

 In Cleaving by Julie Powell she references Buffy the Vampire Slayer as being her comfort show. If I've mentioned that before it's because I think of it an awful lot in addition to thinking of how at the time she wrote the book she though taking her phone into the bathroom with her was suspicious behavior whereas now.... Well. *gestures at the world*

Well, Futurama is mine. There's scarcely a thing in my life that occurs without me relating it to some episode or quote. I'd like to thing everyone has their show like that. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is a close second. I'd also like to think it has something to do with autism, but of course I do.

The card for today was Nine of Wands. Biddy tarot says: "The Nine of Wands comes as a sign that even in the face of adversity, you stand tall and strong. You may be on the edge of exhaustion, but you are resilient." ...maybe not the card I wanted to see at the beginning of the semester, tarot deck.

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

Complicit in This Missive

Still adjusting to the new schedule this week; I drop L off at school every day of the week and am picking her up two days a week. It's just the first, establishing, week but I kind of miss being in charge of pickups. We had a little groove where we'd go do something after school.

Monday: indoor playground. Tuesday: museum. Wednesday: library. Thursday: outdoor playground/sledding. Friday: swimming. Half days: go to panda express or something. Sometimes I'd give her an option of doing a or b on a half-day. Do you want to go to the music store or the tea room? That kind of thing.

It's an inexorable urge to Do Enriching Things. Blame it on my mom. She can blame it on her grandmothers. She doesn't really do those types of things with L, though. Hm.

I love sharing those experiences with the kids and simultaneously feel a little angry about it. Why is it always me? When I was a kid I felt like my grandparents took me to do things. Although...looking back...maybe it was just my mom, really. Field trips to the Maxey House or pioneer days or the library or the theatre or puppet shows or.... Anything much, really. Hm. I guess my grandparents just took us to Burger King and McDonalds. Good job, mom. Thank you.

When uncles and S do step up it tends to be things like Chuckee Cheese and Dave & Buster's, which I have a low tolerance for. Too expensive. Too loud. Too many people. Too liminal. I just want to scream, etc. Loop earplugs tend to help, but I'd just rather not. Going to the museum? Energizing. You can get a coffee and a snack. Look! The art! The quiet! The visible flow of time! Even the library - somewhat happy until you have to leave and suddenly the Transition Is Too Much Because Everyone Is Too Tired and Hungry to Even. I'd rather stay home and clean or read or participate in (ahem) self care while everyone else does the Mini Casino thanks.

I suppose that makes me a bad partner/friend/family member. And it's been going on for as long as I can remember. Blame it, too, on the AuDHD, I guess.

We went skiing on Sunday after work, just me and S. Closest we've gotten to a date in a coon's age (is that the correct use of the expression? Idk.). It went pretty well, I only fell on my butt once and took a knee once. Just a massive nosebleed towards the end of the ski. Still fun. Suppose I should saline spray myself before being outside for a long time while getting my heart-rate up after having an inadvisable amount of caffeine and working for 5.5 hours. Oh well. Next time.

My first cadaver lab was yesterday as you have probably gathered. It went...okay. It's weird how the brain adjusts? It just goes: this is what we're doing now? Okay. 

Kind of chilling, really. The donor we're working with is a female. It did hearken back to when I felt like I should...like I owed to this goat I'd never met before.... Participating in its slaughter back in Prescott. The sadness, respect, feeling a little like I'm seeing an entity with its clothes really off. It's exhausting. I don't like it per se. I see how it's necessary. It's a bit of seriousness, a punch in the gut, a these people have donated their bodies so you can be a decent OT fucking BE A DECENT OT.  In that sense.

It also makes a certain sense that they make sure it happens in the second semester. Oh well. Two labs tonight. All caught up on emergent lectures. Just two more that can be done while cleaning (Research. I like and don't like research. It's...happy nausea? I don't even know my own guts anymore. It takes me back to taking a 300 level research class with Dr. Hubele as a 17-year-old freshman. Ah. Good times. Well. He was a good time anyway. What was it he used to say? "The thing you need to know about men, Carlock [not their real last name, although he thought it was] is they lie, they lie, they lie." And he wasn't wrong, if a bit sexist.).

Bye, babes.

Tuesday, January 9, 2024

Brought to You by Sobriety, Not Soubrettes.

Just - saddened by my incapacity (is that the right word?) for connection tonight. As much as I would like to, everything I try feels icky and wrong. Everything.

Saturday, January 6, 2024

Just a letter. That's it, that's the whole thing.

 Hey,

Friday, January 5, 2024

I Got Married to Trixie Mattel in a Fever Hotter Than a Pepper Sprout

 - Last night I was a little hyped-up trying to go to sleep. Lately I've been trying to sit back and let the different parts of my brain handle whatever comes up with as little judgment as possible. Which isn't always possible. But. One of the stopping places I came to last night before falling asleep (and getting interrupted three times by sweet L checking on me and keeping me up to speed on her various nightly activities) was that the work for me is in acceptance, repair, and maintaining connection without judgment - as long as we're considering safe situations and positive intent. 

- That being said, it's hard. I am, like, so so so good at leaving. That's its own skill. But it's not the one life calls for most often.

- That being said, sometimes it is.

- New semester starts on Monday. I didn't read all the books I wanted to, my house isn't as clean as I'd like, and a few dates and responsibilities aren't as hammered-out as I should have gotten them. But overall I feel pretty happy and relaxed. And things with the boys went better than they did in the summer. 

- Five days into 2024 and no alcohol. I haven't really been drawn to it. So far so good. 360 to go? Or maybe more like: take care of today and let tomorrow take care of itself. 

- I watched this documentary on Netflix (along with the rest of America) called You Are What You Eat that was about plant-based diet and twins and an eight-week experiment and the most compelling bit for me was them going on about visceral fat being significantly reduced by veganism. Maybe I'll try to go vegan-ish starting in February. Or maybe I'll just stick with the one thing because I'll be so fucking stressed-out. Probably that one.

Monday, January 1, 2024

Bon Annee!

I got to SLEEP. Well, I took the window to sleep and slept and slept and slept and slept and

More or less right through until morning. 8:00 PM to 5:00 AM, baybee. It was very nice of my in-laws and S to let me do that and very fortunate that nothing really messy was planned for New Year's Eve Dinners. Dreams were pretty normal. The one right before I woke up was about S chiding me for something or other. I took that as a sign it was time to wake up.

New Year's Resolutions/Resolves/Resets: going to try for a sober year again this year. I think I was going to do that last year and it just...didn't happen. Try try again, I guess. And then the rest is just vague atta-girl type things related to self-care and care of others and continuing to journal and be present and un-rough the callus of my heart and so-forth.

It seems bleak to sit down and make a comprehensive list of everything that happened this year. My future self may thank me for it, but I don't really want to. I can always comb back through the archives here if need be, I guess. Up to a certain point anyway.

One of L's baby room teachers came by last night and sat and talked for about an hour. She loved and I mean loved L. And still does. She seems to have chosen L as her surrogate grand-baby since her daughter isn't likely to have any kids (her words).

Time to go make coffee. <3 Neutral-to-Happy New Year!