Nausea Is a Good Sign, Right?

 I just (okay, not JUST - three days ago) spent an hour putting my transcript into the OTCAS portal class by class. And oh boy. Tha feels.

Not that I’m not the same person or anything, but I’m certainly not younger than drinking age trying to manage a seriously hard major with nil life experience having just transferred in from, essentially, a cult and theeeeeen my love of what had been helping me in a therapeutic sense was all but killed by the dance program. 

I felt really sad for that kid. She wasn’t and the BEST person, but she was certainly not in a good place. And certainly not getting the help she needed. Not that she would have accepted it if it manifested. *sigh* 

It’s not that she wanted to be a dancer more than life, it’s just that admitting mistakes and changing direction seemed like death. Because of my family. It’s not that I didn’t want to learn. It’s just that changing was scary because it meant who I had been was Not Enough. Oh, also the AuDHD.

I did a couple of observation hours two days ago and the two OTs I observed shot down the idea that I could be AuDHD. 🫤

We’ll…. If you spend shit tons of hours in a dance studio you also spend a lot of time with certain types of structure and pretending.  Also the stakes are very high. Also they’d just met me…. Blarg. I’d like to think that if I were neurotypical I could pay my bills on time without autopay, not feel like I’m going to die if I’m not moving, pay attention to a whole-ass movie without an assist from alcohol or an unfamiliar environment or marijuana or just straight up doing something else at the same time. Maybe my life wouldn’t be a mess. Maybe I could focus on what you’re talking to me about when you’re talking to me and not stim stim stim to bring it in. Maybe I wouldn’t keep overloading myself with projects and commitments. Maybe I would be able to fucking actually memorize material. Or not spend 20 hours a week on 4 bio credits.

Or maybe no one can and I’m just living in a fantasy world. 

If I don’t get in to grad school this cycle, I’m still going to apply for the next one. So. What to do in this year? Maybe this is the year I finally bartend. Or maybe I’ll just be boring and work somewhere for the health insurance.

Have a good weekend.