no news isn't good news

 ...but not all bad news. The bad news is the good news. That's where I'm at. 

The general malaise I've been feeling since...whenever...last week has turned out to be COVID. Which is fine - this will be the third round (I think?) and has been super-easy. It could have been allergies! It probably also is allergies. Just with an extra layer of malaise and tiredness on top. If this is the only way I get any downtime so be it. It's just been sleeping in a little (yay), doing the same amount of homework but less stressed, and avoiding people. So: pretty much okay.

Leela's having a harder time with it, and also tested negative. I think I have to test again on Wednesday? But also I have to have a background check renewed by then? My inner adult helpfully suggests that maybe I could just email the person in charge of background checks and tell them I'm supposed to isolate, so could we extend that date? 

My inner teen dirtbag points out that I'm schlepping my ass and my kid's ass to the optometrist tomorrow morning regardless of what we're supposed to be doing and didn't that work out nicely give that I'd asked for that time off and had no indication that I was going to get it and maybe it was just meant to be. Well, that's still super-irresponsible, teenage dirtbag. But, yes. I'm probably going to do it anyway. Because I've already had to reschedule once and they weren't super happy about it. At this point I don't know if I'm going to go because I don't want to inconvenience the scheduling person (weak sauce rationale, sis), I just don't give a fuck (because we're going to be masking so in theory it should be okay - also weak sauce), or they were a tiny bit rude to me on the phone (it was justified rudeness; I was trying to complete an Instacart order that went a bit long and don't have a bead on How Long Things Take Suprise, Surprise and called one minute before the appointment to reschedule it). Probably that last one.

That makes me a bad person. I am aware.

And getting COVID has ruined my mother-in-law's birthday plans. Which I feel the appropriate amount of guilty for.

But there are worse things going on. 

Leel's best friend's mom had a brain aneurysm sometime Friday. I don't know all the details and it's hard to know what to do. We're not close enough to be on "take my kids" terms, so another family has the kids until...I don't know when. I don't know much really. I want to help. I'll figure out how to help. All I can think of are meals and childcare. Maybe they could spend the night some night? Or have a playdate? Or just facetime the Friend? But I don't know family who has them super-well either. And they don't have Facebook. But we work for the same hospital, so I could email them, I guess, using the database.

I would like to just sleep, but the normal amount of thinking keeps me from taking a proper nap. So I'm here, typing it out frantically in hopes that it'll alleviate the thoughts.

• Jennette McCurdy's memoir was great; but it's over now. My hold on Norwegian Wood came through on Libby, though. Time to read that again. I could've sworn I had a copy floating around somewhere. But I guess I left it in Texas. The only thing that made it through the gauntlet was a set of black, circular coasters that stare at me every time I walk over to my parents' house for wine. At a dinner with friends the other night one of them said they heard Norwegian Wood was "kind of bro-ey". And I'd honestly never thought of it like that - but yeah. I guess so. I guess I'm about to find out.
• Still haven't read Gravity's Rainbow, tho'. Maybe this year's the year. Still have that.
• Isn't it unreasonable to want me to know all the different layers of tissue in the GI tract? There are a fuck-ton of them. And ever since getting feedback and protesting her feelings weren't going to get hurt, the lab coordinator has ceased directly teaching the lab material and just gestures, going: "Well, it's in the notes. Come to an open lab." which is fair enough, except I'm not going to do that (the open lab bit). One is usually epithelial tissue. So.
• Nothing back from Creighton. I'd feel worse, but I feel shaky at best about the whole damn thing. So. I'm awaiting my rejection letter in the mail, basically.
• Often "The Waters of March" plays in my head. And hey - it's March! And that's not a conscious connection.
• It's been gorgeous, lately. Sunny, snowy. If I felt better I'd say we should go skiing. But I don't feel better. Or bad enough to not feel guilty about the things I'm not doing. 
• We took the donut floatie Leels scored by being extra cute at the municipal pool out and tested it on the neighbordhood sledding hill. 10/10 Probably going to do it again. Don't know if we can or should take it to the pool again, though.
• Thirty...five days? I should probably start a countdown, like I did for Prescott. But who has the time? Mucosa. Submucosa. Two layers of Muscle. Adventitia or Serosa. 
• I'm sure part of it is that I haven't gotten the endorphins from working out in what will be two weeks soon. I get real fucking grumpy without that. And somewhat concerned about my surgery knee.
• In moments I try to think about what my letter will look like. I think it's going to contain a little bit about how they've been great role models for me, how meaningful it's been to me (it has been), how very much it's time. There have been great moments. Thank you notes I still have and try to keep in safe places. The time a parent anonymously sent me flowers at work. Knowing that I connected some families to each other and that there's a lot of love there still. But it's like a symphony winding down, or credits playing on a movie now. Maybe I'm as competent as I'll ever be. Maybe not - maybe I peaked long ago. I certainly don't have the best read on that. But I don't have anything more to accomplish or prove.
•  In my performance review my boss said something that stung a little. She said she thought I was "too ambitious" for the field of early childhood. I don't know why I don't like that term. It's too close to "uppity", I guess. I had a coworker who called me uppity (well; she said, "You don't seem as uppity as usual today." regarding some drama that was happening) and although there's nothing wrong with that word per se, it's not how I view myself. Curious, yes. From the background I'm from (white, lower middle class, education was important to my family), yes. To me, ambitious has a tint about it of things never being good enough for the person. Uppity a tinge of wanting to rise beyond their class - but that idea being laughable. 
• I'd more say I want to learn more (and the time that I asked about academic leave for a master's in this field being shot right the fuck down; she brought it up as a possibility for this degree here I'm looking at but there's no way in hell that would work. None. Also, I am burnt out and that sounds like a surefire way to develop an ulcer.), the information I want to learn is somewhat gatekept by the medical professions, and as is I am so so so so so financially unstable. I don't want that for me and my family for the rest of time. I'd like to do something that I'll be compensated for adequately, thanks. That I think I'll be good at. That's needed.
• The way other people see me is none of my business, though. I get flashes at times and they're always surprising. Like being told I'm extroverted by someone I've just met at a party. Although that term is somewhat falling out of style.
• I get to arrange a duet to "Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits" by The Magnetic Fields for a show later this year, which I'm excited about. Maybe I can score some sweet bunny gear on clearance from the Christ holiday!