The snow is starting to melt, revealing the ice berms that have encased every roof in Anchorage. The snowfall this winter was ridiculous. Beautiful. Reminiscent of a Grandma Moses painting. Inconvenient. Sparkly. Resultant in my dad getting up on the roof many too many times considering his age and surgical history (even though specifically asked not to; he doesn't immediately buy in when other people ask him to do things. Or not do things, as the case may be.)
But in any case it's melting now. Roofs are leaking. Collapsing under the weight of the snow. Avalanches shooting off the top. The sun cheerfully glaring on as it's happening.
I'm stuck in limbo over here. Trying to do things that are hard for me; everything feels extra hard. I can't comprehend, can't remember, feel burnt out by work, by school, by all the money issues everyone is dealing with right now.
May is usually when things change in my life. I'm sure it's an impersonal season change sort of thing in some ways. And in other, super personal ways, it's just that I'm tired, boss.
I'm sure things look, if not fine, then good enough from the outside. For one of the coaching explorations we did I was asked to record myself (and my co-teacher) during a tricky transition. And even though I knew I felt horrible on the inside (dysregulated, melting-down - just over all shitty) in the video I look and sound calm, collected, and present. Well, okay. Maybe not present. But it definitely didn't look how I was feeling.
From that I take it that perhaps everyone else thinks I am totally fine - just maybe a bit of a bitch (what with the detachment/disassociation factor and all). This makes sense. Growing up it was made very clear that strong feelings were not welcome, would not be addressed, and to find a hidey hole to ride out the emotions until I was ready to be a person again.
There are social contexts in which this is true. But there are many more in which it isn't. And having the built-in sense that it's not safe to express opinions and emotions not only makes it so that on a systemic level I just shouldn't but that my system itself dismisses the emotions and I hardly ever get a bead on what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, or how it actually makes sense to bring it up in whatever context.
So am I CPTSD or autism? I don't know. Does it matter? Probably not from a practical standpoint. There are management techniques for both or either.
But now I have to get ready for work so here we go again!
Time to be profesh, dust myself off, tell myself it's okay to be disappointed and sad about yesterday's test, and turn my attention to the lungs. Because there's no time to dwell. EVER.
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