Northern Lads

 It’s not so much that there’s nothing to say. Moreso that it doesn’t feel safe to talk. Just so many times where I’d be vulnerable followed by my partner telling me I’m selfish. Ranting about what a terrible mom I am. A terrible wife. Eventually, I just stopped caring about the connection piece. Why would I share anything intimate with someone who has told me for YEARS that I’m a terrible person, my plans are shit, I can’t do anything. The usual “I have problems with my mom that I’m taking out on you” bullshit.

And, of course, it’s not that black-and-white. I’ve been toxic. I am toxic? I don’t know. I absolutely agree that I’m…I don’t know. A mess, in some ways. But I also know that I try. But the urge to FIX IT FIX IT NOW has long been exhausted and the best I can do is tolerate the unpleasantness. And find what works for me. And do that.

Because I’m the one doing the things. Could I even integrate help if I needed it? *sigh*Probably not. Yesterday I came downstairs after a micro nap to start putting the living room back together. And as I’m working my partner kept getting in my face about helping. There were a few environmental and experiential factors such that I just couldn’t tolerate this very well. To wit:

- hormones (PMS)

- inadequate variety of foods (I need to eat or I will Bitch)

- my partner chronically being on a different sleep schedule than me and Leels (doesn’t make him a bad person, just makes me feel disconnected)

- my partner day drinking (pretty much every day he doesn’t work, but especially a problem on days when I need him to coparent)

I don’t know. I just can’t. Ask. For help. Even in the most horrible, painful parts of my life it’s been too much to parse. I truly don’t know what it would take.

Plus, from a household standpoint my brain just doesn’t have a One Project Then Done setting. That’s why I have a chore chart (get into iiiiiit). I hate micromanaging others anyway and I especially don’t want to do that on my day off. And then there’s the perpetual half-assery and hindsight component.

Case in point: starting to fold laundry, then recruiting me to put away my clothes, declaring: “I don’t know how to fold half these things!” And leaving the rest on the table for me to do later anyway.

This is how it goes for everyone, yes? 

But anyway I don’t even want to go to couples therapy at this point because I know it’s just going to be one more thing for ME to coordinate. And in the past when we’ve gone, it’s really just turned into a therapy session for S. He could have done that on his own! 

What must it be like to be the kind of woman who can coordinate appointments for her whole family, run the house, project manage the things and not feel resentful about her partner, well- gestures at above. I feel like I’m on roller skates at an ice rink and every little thing is falling off and catching on fire and WHAT ARE YOU SO STRESSED ABOUT? OH, C’MON WHO CARES? 

Capillaries, lymph, and immunity are making for a nice distraction. Exam, conferences, meetings, and maybe catching up with friends this week. + a kid birthday party.

Speaking of things falling off and catching on fire….