Mess

Seeing the future's not all it's cracked up to be
Because I can't tell you what's going to happen
Only freak you out by pushing you out of the way
Of an oncoming train
That you can't see

I can't tell you much, really, except "I love you"

The oddest (good odd) thing happened today; there was a meeting about Creative Occupations today. It's a club I don't specifically remember signing up for (but I guess I did) and I was actually able to log on to the meeting due to drop-off going astoundingly well (!) and making it home in time. So I did. And there was only one other person there. And they were not affiliated with the club officers or anything like that. We'd both clicked on the wrong link (why are there so many fucking links for Microsoft Teams meetings and why don't they all lead to the same place, amirite?). Hah. Well it turns out, this lady had just finished up a rotation at one of the sites I'm headed for my capstone, and is doing her capstone on OT in substance use disorders. Both our jaws dropped and we stayed on the call for 45 minutes talking about it. And nobody else ever logged on. The fucking odds! What are they?

Anyway, that was wonderful. I don't get signs that I'm on the right path all that often, but that...that definitely was one.

In other news I'm all atwitter getting ready for a show on Saturday, and coping with (self-diagnosed) PMDD, tying up the loose ends that I have and trying to weave in more opportunities for making dopamine and tricking it into staying in my synaptic cleft for mo' longer.

Towards that end I watched the new Naked Gun today for a matinee showing by myself because...free will, I guess? And it was glorious. Totally empty theater. I tried to be late enough to miss the trailers but there are 30 minutes of trailers and adverts before films these days. But at the very least I didn't feel bad about whipping out the ol' phone and drafting reply emails, etc!

I find myself thinking about reaching out to friends, and then just...feeling like it's not the right time? Exhausted by the back-and-forth? I love my friends. All of them. And it's complex. For most (not all) friends I feel concerned about whether or not I'm masking; whether or not I'm the "therapy friend"; whether or not I'm "meeting expectations". For instance, a friend couldn't make it to my birthday and kindly offered to meet up the following weekend. My gut reaction was ugh, I don't think I have bandwidth for all that*. Which isn't how that's supposed to go as per The Entire Rest of the World. *sigh*

Speaking of which still chipping away at getting that Neuropsych scheduled, but all is slight inconvenience and miscommunication. And mercury isn't even in the microwave!

Listen: I cannot be the most responsible person in all these various logistical situations (insurance! Paperwork! Arranging music lessons! Uh...I don't know...meal planning!) it is so not on brand for me!

Just a week and a half of leisure-ish left. Oh, and I am as of yet not clear on what schedule I'll be working or what the dress code is when I get there!

Let's go!

*What with the show and all the peopling that tends to happen with that. So much peopling! Too much, probably. But strategic. Because the people are good. Great even!