Okay. Whew. Time moves relentlessly forward. I'm still processing. And aren't we all, always? But I'm slowly getting there. Where? Wherever three steps ahead is.
I started my second-to-last fieldwork yesterday; so far so good! It's fine! It's nice, actually. I like the Doing What I'm Meant to be Doing as a Distraction from the Other Things. Which, arguably I'm also meant to be doing, but also? Maybe not! Maybe all is choice and distraction! That's right - all!
I suppose I should write a little bit about Charlie Kirk. I think it's pretty obvious what my reaction is/should be, though. My main thought is: "They finally got their martyr." My other main thought is: "What about Melissa Hortman and her husband?" With my third being: "What about the school shooting that occurred the same day?" Oh, and I guess, with a dash of: "What about this alleged lynching at Delta State University?"
I was telling S about that last one and he said, "It says it was suicide." Oh. Are we just trusting the Mississippi police force now? The lynching part is alleged; but the timing is fucking weird, so is the location, and that track record is, if not the worst, up there, man.
</conspiracy theories>
I am nauseous a lot. I am tired a lot. I am still working out because it is something I was already doing and I don't really want to stop (mentally filed under d for distraction) and I have a hard line about doing one thing per day chores-wise; I've been trying to have consistent and clear conversations with S about the fact that he's likely gonna need to help me if he wants anything additional done, because now we are definitely In It and not necessarily to win it.
He says he understands how I feel; and I think he believes that. But it is not really possible for him to, in the same way that I don't understand how he feels regarding addiction, and being separated from two of his children the vast majority of the year, etc. Things are overall better, but the upshot of one of our last conversations on the topic of Why Are You (me) So Feelings At This Time? was that I need to find someone to talk to. Yes! Probably. But I am systemically reluctant to tell people about this pregnancy. So far I have told the bare minimum number of people that need to know. Not because I'm concerned about miscarriage per se, but because I don't have the bandwidth for all that.
I also feel some shame about it, because it doesn't really make sense to trust that someone else will tke care of the fertility problem for me; yes, it sucks that assurances were not kept, but ultimately that's just information. If I want to not have further children, then I need to do it for myself.
I wish at this point in my life my underlying lifelong sense that I need to Do Shit For Myself and Be Independent would have been assuaged, but I made choices that shunted me in the opposite direction.
Alright, I have to hop on a phone call in which I probably divulge information that doesn't support an ICAP case for a client I saw as a student, but okay, Alaska.
Besos.
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