It truly wasn't what I expected; but I suppose it's time. Overdue, really.
I don't feel one thing. It's way too much emotion. So here's, just, some things that happened, I guess.
I went to work yesterday as much like normal as possible. When I got home S wasn't there. He'd taken L somewhere (the mall, potentially). The location tracker on his phone said his parents' house. Then Gold Rush Liquor. He arrived home around 2:00. L seemed happy and had gotten a new stuffy that looked like a rainbow Huggy-Wuggy monster - you know the kind. She went upstairs and we sat in the living room for a time. He stared at me for a while.
He wanted to talk about...the same things. Why did I want to do this? He couldn't do this. He would have a nervous breakdown. He wanted assurances that we (he and I) were okay, that I could be his wife. He kpet asking me over and over "What will it be? It's yes or no." Well, it's not yes or no. It can't be. I finally said that I don't feel safe with him or connected to him - and it seemed like that was what he wanted to hear. I don't know why, but something finally clicked for him. I think he just wants the same pattern. He said he wanted to go talk to my dad, then he walked over. He was there for ten minutes, maybe. Came back and was crying. Packed up a few things and said he was going to his friend's house. That he'd come by and pick up a few more thing today while I'm at work. He then texted me to tell me to transfer $4,000 from the joint account to his personal account. Which - fine. But has been its own little logistical nightmare. And does point to him perhaps being more interested in dipping than not.
L and I spent the night at my parents after texting with K a little bit. She had a dad who was frequently drunk and smashed things. I feel like she knows what she's talking about when it comes to that.
S texted me and his mom last night around 9:00 PM as I was trying to fall asleep. I worked at 5:30 this morning so I was really hoping to get some, um...good sleep. That didn't so much happen. He sort of disinvited me from the Superbowl party at his parents' house this afternoon. I tried to engage as little as possible. I'm sure he was drunk and/or high
S: Clara says she doesn't feel safe with me in the house so I left. I'm at Josh house now
MIL: What? She's losing it
S: I'm sure she's not coming to the game. Right clara?
A: Tony and Pam are coming.
Me: It's up to you, Mid.
A: Of course you can come.
Me: Okay, we'll see you tomorrow then. Let me know if anything changes.
S: Like you feeling safe around me? I don't see how that could ever change
S: Maybe if you wear a life jacket and hold a can of bear spray while wearing a seat belt
Points for the last text for humor purposes, I guess! And points to my MIL - I am losing it! Because this shit has been slowly escalating for, like, a decade!! I feel like the only person-group who wouldn't be losing it might be sociopaths or similar!!!
And this morning it seems as though he's unfriended and blocked me on Facebook and did some sort of something on Instagram where I can see that he's followed me but has made his profile private. Whatever. He's angry. I get it. That seems like a more appropriate reaction than half the shit that has happened in the past few days.
Here's the thing, though: in a healthy relationship it should be possible to ask for space (and get it) and it be an opportunity to work on the relationship rather than...all this. It should be possible to figure out some sort of parenting agreement without it turning into all this nonsense. It makes me sad that he's trying to use L as some sort of bargaining chip to keep me in the relationship. It would be shitty - beyond shitty if he truly doesn't want to see her anymore. She's little. She doesn't deserve that. And it's shitty that he's telling me it's my fault.
I hope beyond hope that her grandparents will want to maintain their relationship with her. And I hope they see that I tried and give two fucks about the effort. I hope I'm able to continue to help them in small ways, however they may feel about that. She's little. She adores them. Other families seem to be able to do it.
Things couldn't limp along the way they had been. I suppose that's why all this has happened.
There's starting to be some silver lining. The sun's out today, for one. For another, I'm slowly beginning to consider what I could do if I didn't have to worry about my home being chaotic. What if L could just have other kids over for playdates whenever? What if I could, someday, invite my nieces on trips or to come visit and not have to worry about them experiencing firsthand or seeing scars of conflict?
I do wish S well. I do hope he gets better. I'm not the one to do that for or with him, though.
My parents have and haven't been supportive. As a rule we all have kind of a flat affect during times of crisis, so maybe that's just what this is. But it is a little strange to me that, hearing me describe everything that's transpired recently, their main advice is to "takes some time and space and reset" to S...whatever that means. Maybe I just want to feel a little protected. And it's probably natural to. But in a sense, it's not true. I'm an adult and, at the end of the day, need to protect myself.
Okay, time to do some homework before whatever happens next...happens.
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