To think I almost had it going/ but I let you dooooooooown 🎶

I guess there’s a moment here to blog, I should take it.

I much prefer typing, but that’s okay. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 to go to work at 4:30 but got a text that actually, no. We’d be opening at 5:30 instead. So I took my time getting ready and still managed to leave the house early. So I drove out towards Eagle River in the rain with no cars on the road. 20 minutes out 30 minute back. Half of that was listening to Hidden Brain and part trying to self-therapize because I just…haven’t been to therapy.

And if I could briefly reference the post immediately prior it would be hella nice to talk to someone about my feelings regarding all that, but….

It’s been a bit of a ballet, lately, of the zero fucks I anymore have (being as I am, 37 and having been with S for about a decade now). No, a wrestling match? I’ve been marching tones with him, with the kids…. I’m just tired. In the actual sense, but also metaphorically. 

I will shut down the conversations where I am going to be yelled at for “not asking for help I told you to ask for help” because fuck that! Aw, nar, I “wasn’t watching her actually” instead trying to finish up the housework I started earlier and the laundry that is the always struggling along and you were doing dishes at 8:30 at night (which - thank you!) and “when you get tired it’s like everything changes” and - look.

It does! I am a fucking cranky toddler when I’m tired. And at this point in the relationship I don’t respond to shame anymore (which I think is an elementary aged response? I have no reason for that. I just think it.) in the same way, it feels more teen like. But S is not good with toddlers (or kids in general) and so it doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t work to be “parented” the morning after I’ve been tired and grouchy about not being my best. My felt sense is that TRYING TO BE THE BETTER PERSON HASN’T WORKED so I’ll try for the kids but not S. 

That being said, he got upset because I let his parents know he shouldn’t be driving last night (to drop off M and S2) because he’d been drinking all day. Well maybe I should have. AND it was true? And yes! He did finish the roof after 3 months of talking about it! And that was great! And normally I probably would have said, “Oh, haha. Maybe he can! We’ll see!” But also - no. It’s a consistent thing that happens, he shouldn’t be driving people and it’s fine if he wants to do roofing with his friend while buzzed but ffs you’re not driving the teen across town. And then, he decided to compare my telling his parents he’d been day-drinking to me doing burlesque and him telling my parents about that. I suppose that’s kind of fair, and also - maybe he should? Maybe it’s comparable, maybe it’s not. I’m not sure if many fatalities have resulted from driving having just done burlesque and I would be interested in seeing the statistics on that (I DIDN’T say that during the encounter and am quite proud about that). But also I am quite sure that his parents are well aware that he drinks and I assume roughly how much. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Last bit to be fair: I drink too. Remember how I was trying to be sober this year? Yeah. *sigh* But I have been tapering down week by week (which seems to be more effective than cold turkey or x amount per day) and this coming week the number is 8. And this FASD class I’ve been taking has been helpful in putting in perspective that alcohol is harmful - full stop. And, uh, no. I don’t drink and drive. When I was younger (over 10 years ago) I made some poor decisions but that was a couple of lifetimes ago.

So. Where was I going with this? I don’t know. I ranted about it verbally yesterday. Today I’m writing it out. 

My aunt is visiting from California and might be coming over tonight so that’s my main focus, I think - getting ready for the visit and finishing off lectures before the next BIG ONE drops tomorrow.

S is going to be out of town for basically the rest of the month, so it’ll be just me and the kids. I have a complex pickup/dropoff schedule in place that everyone has agreed to, so I’ll be tired (school + working 25+ hours) but probably okay. Because hopefully I’ll be able to get enough sleep and switch everybody over to being morning people. But also: maybe I’ll be a monster! We’ll see I guess. 

I suppose he’s worried about leaving me with the kids when I seem so stressed. And, like - sure. I get that. And I know that his approach to expressing that is part of what stresses me out MORE. So. I truly don’t think that’s reassuring, but I hope it is.

*exhale on another sigh and stress-watch Crazy Ex Girlfriend while doing chores because this class isn’t one you can just put lectures on in the background for and that’s HANDS, baby*