I truly don't think I'm right. I just think everything's a huge mess and nothing's exactly clear and lists sometimes help and sometimes don't. [I thought I could insert a table into this thing but evidently not? What else says "old" like that? I want to insert a table! A Venn diagram! A bell curve! Data, please! Maybe I'll just track the data I wanted to present in a different document and then tell you about it later. Yeah, that.]
Meanwhile:
Hatcher's pass: I finally went there yesterday after work. I fell like typically I just wait to do things. Wait for someone to do things with. Wait for the right time to do things. Talk myself out of doing things (because discomfort or gas prices or my partner being upset because I'm Doing the Thing), but not this time. And you know what? It was fine! It wasn't all that far away. I thought it would be, but it was just about as far as Palmer. And it was beautiful. L actually loved it until it was time to go back, but that was mainly because she wanted to go hiking but brought no sensible shoes and we didn't bring extra snacks and that all made perfect sense, really. But, yeah! It was fun. We got some ice cream on the way back and made it home by 5:30-ish. If you're thinking of doing it probably do. It's totally fine, ya'll.
Things breaking/being broken: I'm not the easiest on things. I break things pretty frequently. One of the top reasons I don't like fine jewelry is that I knock the stones out of settings like nobody's business and I feel like I've dropped all of my belongings at least once. That being said I do have affection for family items that I've come into possession of over the years (like tea sets, antique cups that belonged to my grandmother that survived the 2018 earthquake, etc.) and I do get sad when they get broken. By myself or otherwise. And just *sigh* a relative lot of things have gotten broken in the past since-Easter. A teacup that I didn't even know was broken until S said, "Oh, was that the good china? I broke one of those." after seeing me put away the rest of the cups and saucers after an Easter tea party. A cup that did survive the 2018 earthquake and was where incense lived in a mass of rice until I found it knocked over and shattered on the kitchen peninsula. A little tray that my parents brought up from Texas and I liked quite a bit. It was perfect for setting on the armrest of the couch and then a drink or something on top of that until the edge got knocked off. And honestly I know things are not the most important. And they really aren't. But I am sad. Because it feels like everything is falling apart around me. And nobody seems to know or want to say how these last two things happened. And I just get angry about that, honestly. Low-key angry, but yeah - frustrated. And then I just want to apparate to a cottage in the woods where if something is broken it's because I was a goober and knocked it over while, I don't know, dying of loneliness. *double sigh* It's just indicative of my overall mental state, I guess.
Doing everything around here: S has quit his job (remember? That was the last post!) and has so far vacuumed the living room, replaced a toilet seat (again; I bought the wrong kind prior because I forgot that toilets are not uniform in design; sorry, bruh) and done a few dishes. He's also been on child duty while I'm at work because: not working. And it was Monday morning when he quit. And it was Tuesday evening when he decided to bitch about "I have to do everything around here!" and I just...can't with it. Maybe that's for another time. But I assume the discrepancy is pretty obvious. Right? I don't know.
General pettiness: I don't know why I feel the urge to line things up and assign value to them and weigh pros and cons and actually maybe it's because I feel so stuck in my own past experiences. In particular, not being allowed to see my older half-brother past age three. Wanting to be there for children, generally, but not always doing a decent job of that I, guess. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.
Playlists from 2017: my playlist for this year is nearly 100 songs long at this point. I typically add a song whenever a kid likes it and asks for it repeatedly or whenever Sjowgren comes out with a new song, or Chappell Roan releases something that slaps or an old or new song gives me The Dopamine. My playlist from 2017 was much shorter and pretty heavy on whatever "All Songs Considered" told me to like or things I thought I could use for teaching modern dance to elementary schoolers. But it's still nice to be able to access that part of myself. That girl was trying to do a lot and not taking very good care of herself. So maybe that's just a little arrow pointing toward: do that. Take care of yourself. And be intentional. And tend your support system. If it looks a little different than it used to: that's okay.
Aunts: One of my aunts visited from California last week (or the week before? What is time? I don't know.) and it was pretty great to see her. All my aunts live in California and they're all pretty great. They're all pretty different too. I didn't get a chance to visit with this aunt one-on-one though, and I wish I had. I hope I can scrape the attention span together long enough to message her or call her. Or, even, visit her.
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