Break outta character for me

 Note to self: maybe don’t schedule a test for 5:50 AM ever again. It doesn’t good so great. It confuses the proctors when I try to take it in the bathroom. “Can you remove the non-allowed test items?” …you mean the contents of the entire BATHROOM? That’s my bad, though. Never again.

The other weird of the day (that is now yesterday) is going to the car dealership and walking around for five hours to have them look at the brakes and some shifting/timing belt problems (I don't know what I'm talking about; I just grew up listening to Click and Clack the Tap-It Brothers, alright?). What with elementary school being out of session and all, L had to come with me. I suppose I could have asked an in-law or parent to watch her, but I think it's good to practice things like waiting, walking in an urban environment, finding shit to do while waiting for other shit to happen with extra-minimal screens? I don't know, man. We went to the Home Depot at a time of day when it wasn't slammed (fun!), then the library, ate lunch at the library cafe (and got serenaded by a five-year-old girl from Oz about how we must take care of the world's creatures or else we won't have any pets), went to the library park, and walked back to the dealership (for a total of five hours). Anyway, the upshot of all that is that we had a lovely day (even if I was a bit sleep-deprived) and the dealership didn't charge me anything (which has to be the first time in the history of the world), because they couldn't ascertain that anything was wrong.

S is back in Moose Pass for a few days. It's pretty beautiful there, it sounds like; he really likes it there as far as scenery and small-town livin' goes. From the descriptions it must be like Northern Exposure. He talked about how when it dumped snow last year the town pitched in together to clear the roads and driveways. Not that you can't google it, but in case you don't want to, here:

However! The last week was consumed by some escalated inflammation in S's right dorsal aspect of foot closest to the great toe. It's been shifting about and the upshot was that he thought it was broken. He was also experiencing pain in his LLE (foot) and actually used my crutches to move around downstairs for a few days. Rest, ice, the whole thing. Well, I took him to urgent care on a Thursday afternoon and while they didn't test him for gout, they seemed to think it was most likely gout. He was a little irritated that they didn't offer X-rays. I was a little irritated that they didn't test him for gout. But in any case he's doing better now thanks to steroids, Tylenol, and a Russian PA telling him to "stop drinking excessive amounts of alcohol". Also, come to find out his dad has gout and shared some medication with him. Gout! It ...happens?

I look forward to the future where doors will have the option of being force-fields (I assume). I had the door open to keep an eye on my kid in the backyard because I am a helicopter parent and etc. But I assume this is when a shrew/mouse ran into the house, because our cat has been stalking the kitchen and sniffing the floor like she has the scent of something. She's a pretty good mouser despite having poor eyesight. She's got pretty pronounced strabismus; unsure if she was born with it or if there was some trauma that caused it (we got her from a shelter). Last year she caught a shrew that had wandered into the house in the winter (probably when S had his break-up phone call with his last boss; lots of pacing with front and back doors wide open). We told my MIL and she had the most visceral reaction to hearing the word "mouse". I recall hearing at some point that phobias are created as a result of some suppressed memory or trauma. 

Who knows if that's true, but of all my fears, snakes, mice, and spiders aren't among them. Heights? Sure. Lobotomies? Definitely. But I had a mouse run up my body and bite me on the thumb and I don't fear rodents. Was bitten by a brown recluse and I don't fear spiders. And my mom has a story about a copperhead using the doorjamb outside our front door to...cross the deck? I question that snake's judgement, but I don't by default fear snakes. Or snapping turtles, water moccasins. They used to swim in our ponds all the time. Crawdads freak me out a little, I guess. But when they're out of their holes they're fine.

I hope you're doing all right. I hear there are some tornados tearing through the south midwest.

Any which way, we don't have time for holy rollers. 

I'm So Excited (to See You Excited)

Urgh. It's my kid's actual birthday today. I worked 5.25 hours today because I like things like health insurance and coffee in exchange for labor. S and L spent the night downstairs last night on the couch pullout bed. This is something that she likes to do - she calls it a sleepover and it's typically pretty fun. I've fallen asleep to Ralph Wrecks the Internet the last two times we've done it. It's also been nice to see S taking on a little more time with her.

And I got home today and started just...catching up, I guess? Asking the questions: what did you do? Did you go to Grandma's? She's obsessed with going to the park down the road from our house but it's been infested with tweens lately. And tweens are lovely, but tweens are also a little...rowdy, and developmentally doing things in small groups that five-year-old's just don't need to see and hear. Full stop. So I tell her in about 30 minutes. S get's a little stormy about this. But I do want her to leave the house and be outside sometimes. I grew up outside. It's good for anybody, etc. And then I ask if she went to Grandma's. She whispers at S that he said he would take her but he never did. Then he gets really angry and tells her that they're going to Grandma's now. And glares at me and barks at me to enjoy my nap.

*sigh*

So I meditated for 10 minutes and now I'm doing this. I'll finish my lectures and start my lab worksheet and tidy up a bit and fold laundry. I was a little pissed because that was the time I had earmarked to spend with my family. And now who knows when they'll be back. Or if they'll be back tonight.

Did I tell you about my attachment style questionnaire? The Most Recent Therapist did one and when he scored it the first time said I had an anxious attachment style. I said I thought it was more likely avoidant or dismissive. The following session he said he'd rescored it and that I was avoidant. If I ever did stand-up comedy that would probably be a part of the set: "So. If my therapist tells me I have an anxious attachment style and I tell them I think I'm avoidant instead does that make me dismissive?" (It does.) What I didn't know when I thought of that was that avoidant is dismissive. Lord. How confusing.

So anyway, one of my hopes is that L have a more secure attachment style than me or her father. How? Not the fuck this way I'll tell you that.

*sigh*

I don't know. The way she attaches so strongly to some people and not at all to others reminds me of myself. I don't know if it resembles how her father operated as a kid or not. I'm not sure he'd even be able to remember. But I recall holding on to caregivers I preferred and not letting them go; playfully, sure, but still. If I preferred a person I just really really didn't want to let them go. And as a young adult I think I attributed that to moving away from close family and that being sort of traumatic. And I suppose she's had similar things happen in her life (her brothers coming in and out of her life; S spending six months away from home), so maybe I wasn't all that far off. But still: interesting. And I'm sad about it. But perhaps it was always going to be triggered in some way. Life's like that, after all. I think it's good that at this point I can understand a good amount of what little kids might be feeling. What she might be feeling. It's hard to be a kid. And the feelings are all-consuming. Just being there. Just being there is key.

Her birthday part was a couple of days ago. I rented a park with a pirate ship on it (which is surprisingly affordable - check it out sometime) for several hours and a perfect amount of people came. The sun even came out for part of it. There was a dance party, kids running wild (but safe and fairly contained), and cake and Costco pizza. There was a piñata that we made ourselves and she really loved her gifts. We've even managed to send a few thank you videos. I even managed to put away most of the party shit the very same day we got home. There were flashes of love and appreciation from S. I guess those are gone now, lol. I took a nap and went to work early the next day like nothing had ever happened.

Glitter crash is real. Even if it's from parties, not shows.

Ah, well. I'd better get on with it. We're doing somatosensory stuff tomorrow and the lab sheet is 18 pages long. Let's gooooooo!

Full of sound and fury signifying nothing

Everyone at work is ADHD pretty much; almost nobody isn't, I think? The ones who aren't are hyper-competent. And then there are the rest of us, floating around like balloons responding to visual stimuli and working understandings of work expectations but the rest of it being...such a forest fire. Do you remember what it was like to work in a coffee shop in the early-to-mid 2000s? Yeah, it's not like that anymore. And I'm very grateful to have that dichotomy of experience, actually. And I'm very glad to have had the gap in-between. Then: there was time to get stuff done, third place, three minutes per order was the goal, and build the bench, set the next shift up for success. Now: 40 second drive time bitches, orders coming from at least 4 different directions, connect (but not if it interferes with drive times), and faster bitch faster more customization yeah I said it. ...and I really think that reflects on whoever's CEO at the time. The customers are pretty much the same, honestly. And they are mostly nice. And the issues they have: sometimes an obvious expression of grief that just needs and outlet and whoop, there I am. Other times legitimate. I just don't know. It's...interesting, though.

 Anyway. Whenever anyone at work asks me (the old lady on shift) about music I pretty much always default to Chappell Roan. Live artist you'd want to see? Chappell Roan. Music for a road trip? "Good Luck Babe" by Chappell Roan. And at first they nodded and were like, "whatever", and now she's blowing up a little more and the know who I'm talking about. But it got me thinking about gender and sexual orientation and why might I possibly like Chappell Roan so much?

When I lived in Mississippi there was a woman who worked at my store who was (and is) gay. And she'd come in with her partner (as you do) and hang out (because the queer scene in Jackson, MS wasn't much to speak of in 2007). And it was communicated to me that I was considered "a lesbian who wasn't a lesbian". And that resonated quite a bit at the time and still does, in a way. And although I used to refer to myself as bisexual, and would refer to myself a pansexual if anyone ever asked anymore (which they don't), I wonder if that would be a quicker, more accurate, comprehensive way to frame it. Would I have sex with a woman if I were single? Maybe. I don't find myself attracted to that many people full stop and when I do it's probably a response to associations I've formed with prior experiences so. But I just don't...rule it out? But I also don't...care, I guess. But I'm also not asexual! But I'm also very fond of queer cinema and music, glitter, that type of thing. I was obsessed with The L Word in my 20s, but surprisingly have not watched much of Generation Q. I had a definite Tegan and Sara phase, love Chappell Roan and think about Margaret Cho more than most straight-leaning queer women, I suppose.

But then I grew up and spent much of my young adulthood in feminine spaces (dance; retail; early childhood). And, I suppose, am planning on continuing that as occupational therapy is characterized by something like 90% female practitioners. I am a feminist. I worry that I am a misandrist. And more and more I find myself attracted to feminine-to-hyper-feminine aesthetics - which tends to indicate a sea change of some sort. What's my point? ...I can't say I have one.

Although I'm vaguely worried it's AI, I'll leave you with this.

Talk on the phone
Hours at night
Trees are green
And the flowers bloom

Sun in the sky
Lighter at night
Trees are green
And the flowers bloom

Yeah I know
How I want to heal
Yeah I know
How I want to feel

Sorry this is so long....

On the fence about writing an email that will certainly bounce or this. But have gone with this, because: things have happened. I don't remember how to write letters anymore. And that is all. 

So. S is going in and out of town intermittently again. To Moose Pass. I imagine it to be something like Haines? Denali township? I don't know. Everything is beautiful and damned in Alaska and so, probably, is this place. Which reminds me to watch Northern Exposure. And I will certainly forget that and the cycle with thenceforth continue. My mother-in-law is the not-so-proud owner of a working diagnosis of ALS. And that means a lot of fatigue and general uncertainty and inability to coordinate her RLE. Anyway, point being: S ended up not being able to be physically present on a Sunday, and my in-laws are in the throes of nesting (that's not the right word, but I haven't learnt the right one yet) as regards the ALS. So L ended up spending the night at my parent's house since I typically open on weekends (5:30 AM).

Well. What with the last-minute nature of the request and all, my mom decided to ask me to come to a church luncheon after work. I agreed, and man. Was it interesting. I'm glad they've found a place and sense of community in Anchorage. I wonder if they would have settled for something like this back when we were kids. It's nice to see them making friends and dates to hang out (reassuring-like). The sheer number of children in families and laissez-faire attitude to them running around the halls, in-and-out of doors, and in the unfenced parking lot by a major road was a little mind-boggling, but also put in me in mind of my childhood. (e.g., did they know that I got chased to the minivan by two neighborhood boys in the church parking lot and locked the doors because I was genuinely fucking scared? I don't know. Would they care if they did? Also not sure.) And then L got punched in the gut by some random child (I think?) and wow time to go. On the one hand it was nice to know where the fuck L is when she "goes to church" with my parents. On another: maybe I should ask for Sunday mornings off at least, so that when inevitably my spouse cannot watch her at least she will not be running riot in a building the definition of Presbyterian latchkey liminal space. And maybe take her to a Unitarian church instead. 

*cradles head in hands* It's not that L isn't getting communal engagement exactly, it's just that my threshold is a lot lower than hers. I'm like: cool. School + after school activities + friends sometimes + family = more than enough thanks. For her, a day without spending 6+ hours with another child is a day wasted.  She freaked after running into a friend's grandma at Costco because she assumed running into the grandma meant running into the friend too. ...it didn't.

So we're doing this thing in grad school right now where having belabored the importance of occupations for therapy versus rote movement we're now breaking that down into components and I don't...think? The professors ever broke that concept down explicitly. Which is fine! I get it. It's pretty instinctive. It's the whole: here is a broad concept. Shush. Don't worry about the details - we'll fill that in later. It's like that with art, writing, dancing, and music too, probably, although I can't speak to that as much. It's very reassuring. I get the way OTs think (mostly). And I guess OTs are regarded by other hleping professions as this very specific type of person. One meeting I had with a professor of social work at a university in Kansas quickly laid it out at the start of the session that they knew how OTs think and valued that. So I suppose it's useful? And I suppose I've found my right-now calling! Although I'm not quite sure how to pivot it for my capstone. Hm. Back to that again.

I got a Costco membership for the first time in about four years yesterday and it felt oddly like homecoming. That sounds sad. And maybe it is! But also: I'll take what I can get. If it gets the dopamine flowing and is relevant to life I'm here for it. It's partly about the gas discount, partly because I tire of Fred Meyer forgetting to put key things in my pickup order while I, in tandem, forget to check the order against a list of items ordered and rinse and renew. Also I wanted to order pizzas from Costco for L's birthday party on Saturday. So. I'd better actually do that this morning after yoga because I ran out of initiative after getting the membership and then some macaroni and cheese at Costco yesterday and oh, yeah. I'm back on the yoga bandwagon again. S doesn't go grocery shopping with us anymore anyway so that shouldn't be an issue. And the boys will probably be perpetually hungry. So there's that.

My mother-in-law sent a puzzle home with us for no reason a few days ago and I've been obsessed. It's on the coffee table and S hasn't been very happy about it. Wants to put the unsolved puzzle pieces in a bowl. I'm not proud of how I said, "Well, maybe we could send it back to your mom - she sent it over." But he did stop mean mugging about it and indicating that he wanted it somewhere else. I'm planning on doing it some more while listening to a lecture today. I was going to hang out at a coffee shop until pickup time, but: eh.

Planning parties are about the equivalent of choreographing, costuming, finding props for, and performing a dance piece for me. I have this Idea. It seems like a good idea. And then...the logistics. Small setbacks. Other people! The constraints of time and volition. L wanted a Sonic the Hedgehog themed birthday, which is fine. She wanted it at her grandma's house, which was not fine what with all the health concerns floating about lately, etc., etc. So I rented a park, which is pretty reasonable in Anchorage (and I need to print out the piece of paper to prove it), although I'm sure there will be some snag with that. I ordered the cake, favors, found a shirt with the characters on it for her to wear and am hopefully going to start the process of making an Eggman pinata today because I'm not sure who is willing to fork out $50 for an Eggman pinata on Amazon but I do know it's not me. I am perpetually concerned that the effort I have and am and will put(ting) into this will somehow not be enough and things will go wrong and the type of inevitable crying that results from L will be the wrong kind (I'm totally willing to tolerate usual types of crying, like, "I'm too overstimulated because positive things are happening" or "I'm mildly disappointed but not in any sort of objectively horrible way") and that's anxiety for ya, baby.

One of the little reminders I put in a draft of this was "-My damn brain and Things" but I can't for the life of me remember what that was about. And perhaps that's the point. So whatever I was going to say? Consider it said.

Among my least favorite personal qualities (of self) are Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and Premenstrual Dysphoria Disorder (PMDD). While I'm grateful that the physical symptoms of menstruation aren't really that bad comparatively (I don't mind that I bleed; it typically doesn't hurt; I'm more or less like woooooo when the pre- part of menstruation is over; also this song) the mood disorder part feels like I am at first gradually and then completely immersed in an extremely downbeat Russian film about a very tragic Russian novel from perhaps the early 20th century. It's not great. And although the pace of experiencing it is very predictable it seriously weighs on a person to experience that for between one and two weeks every month. Okay. Now. RSD. This sucks at the best of times, but layer that on top of PMDD and things.... Yeah. But! I was able to talk myself through a layered RSD/PMDD experience lately and I feel oddly proud about it and wanted to tell someone. Did I let myself have a lil' tantrum about The Totally Reasonable Thing I was being called in/out on? Yes. Did I allow myself to feel legitimately salty about the tone of the call in/out? Yes. Was I able to emphasize to myself that everyone makes mistakes and that's part of learning and my brain is my brain and this is likely to happen and guess what I can have accommodations? Also yes. Did I make my own damn accommodation once I realized what I needed and could do it easily? Yes.

Now go have the best day you can, make your own accommodations if you need it, and hey: I think you're great.

I Can Do It with a 💔

Reason: Do it on YOUR OWN time!

Me: I don’t have my own time.

Reason: And that is a personal choice.

Me: ….

-

Someone came through the drive through with a black hat on. It said: Make America Emo Again. Their favorite emo band was My Chemical Romance. My job falls firmly in the middle on a Venn diagram between traumatic and fun. 

Mother’s Day

 Working 5:30 to 11:15 ✔️

Skipping lunch and eating chocolates that my MIL got me - the same chocolates she got for 4 other people including my child and husband. But still - very nice that she got them. ✔️

Taking L and my mom to the Alaska Native Heritage Center reopening. So lovely. Not relaxing. ✔️

S ordering sushi for dinner. ✔️

Taking L to the park on my own. ✔️

I know. S’s foot hurts. I only got his mom (and my mom) orchids. And I’m not upset, there’s just kind of an anticipatory irritation for Father’s Day. I’m bracing myself for: yOuDiDn’T dO aNyThInG bAcKlAsH. 

Don’t worry - I will order dinner  😂 and say “Happy Father’s Day” and get called petty. And won’t consider that inaccurate.

Hey bestie I like your 'fit.

 It's snowed the last couple of days! And today it's sunny. I don't even know, man. The week is winding down. I've been pretty happy with how the week's gone, all told. We went to the park nearly every day. I went to yoga twice. Workout once today. Drunk lots of water. I got a lot of cleaning done. And the laundry - God, the LaUnDrY.

We have a type of eco-friendly dryer that my in-laws bought for us (which is extremely very nice, and for which I am extremely very grateful). The thing is that the dryer seldom gets a load dry on the first cycle. So I've gotten in the habit of just adding 20 minutes at the end of the cycle just in case. But that does tend to compound over time (in a few different senses).

I finished Crazy Rich Asians (the book) and the nearly the newest season of The Circle. I do kind of wish we'd done more, but also...I am and was tired. Sleeping is so fun. Seriously. Time (clap) to (clap) rest (clap).

There are also some quests that are very much in-progress and involve assuming the mindset of a Frodo or a Bilbo or even a Gilgamesh if you will: getting an insurance claims company to fix the rip in the couch because L is a wild animal and we do not live in a conducive place.

"But Clara, why don't you set some firmer boundaries with her?" you might ask.  "Why do you let her do these things?" S might ask. Great questions! 

Besties, I can set boundaries all day long but she is like me in the sense that too far is not too far enough until the other person is genuinely and deeply upset. I have no intention of intentionally hitting her (elbow bonks because I don't freaking see her are different), and as we (I) know from therapy, I shut down when I am genuinely upset if and until the point of attrition is reached. Then I will snap at her and she will feel sad and not really understand how we got there in the first place.

See also: I got the insurance for a reason - this reason - and I would bloody well like to use it. Plus, get off my back! If it's so important to you that the couch stay nice, stop eating on it! Use the kitchen table for once in your life!*

Otherwise I'm back on my coordination bullshit. Next week is starting off strong with about a million-and-one things, and for whatever reason once doctor's appointments are in the mix, it becomes difficult for me to plug all that in. We have doctor's appointments, work, L's school, my school, and other. Traditionally I would feel bad about all the shuffling around and rescheduling I've been doing this year so far, but as of right now, I'm just like: oh, you're annoyed? Cool. Can I call you as a reference for if/when I pursue my ADHD diagnosis? Thanks.

Okay. I hope you're doing well and having an actual spring wherever you are.**

* Not bitter.

** Not bitter.

Attunement is/is not a word

 Sometimes I just want to throw hands at The Universe. I know what is comprehended is mostly about what is focused upon. Right? That’s what the yoga people say. Also the psychologists. But I am sometimes frustrated by the sheer amount of times I encounter references to T.

There are 49 other states and one other US Territory. What am I to do with this information? Nothing. There is nothing to be done.

It’s just a matter of attuning really. There are a skillion references to other things. License plates that say “for the glory of God” or similar. A burst of sun after several days of cloudiness and rain. A conversation about religion likely being a mass of trauma responses.

I tell myself I’m just not looking right.  And maybe that’s true. 

Today was for resting and finishing what I started yesterday. Tomorrow will be for…something. We’ll see what the calendar says.

Personal Failures

- May the fourth be with you.

- I pulled The Tower reversed this morning and boy did it deliver! I feel like I say that a lot. I also feel like it's true a lot. I got to work on time (maybe even a little early!) and settled in to listen to the last few minutes of That's Spooky. The discord said that one of the other girls I was supposed to be opening with was sick which is fine. Who hasn't been there? But where-oh-where was my shift supervisor? I don't have access to anyone's schedule but my own so I just chill. Ten minutes past 5:30 AM I look into it. It's this one person. Okay. Two other people have been trying to call the store but I don't have a key so I can't really help with that. The other girl says she's been trying to call the shift. So I get the number and call too. No answer. Fifteen past 5:30 AM I call the interim manager...who lives like an hour outside Anchorage. She tries to call the shift too. No answer I guess? Another person who's supposed to be there at 6:00 AM has gotten pulled over for a speeding ticket on the way in...from Wasilla/Palmer. The upshot is that when the next barista got there we ended up just walking over to a coffee hut and getting coffee walking back and talking for an hour until our manager finally got there. 🤷 The tower, man. She topples. People were mostly fine, but it was lots of Customer Service Martial Arts until things got back to a manageable state. And this one shift (who I super liked actually) is probably just fucking not coming back. Which I'm bummed about. You know what was great, though? As I was driving to work I just thought to myself: "I'm here, I'm bi, I have no authoritah." And how true that turned out to be.

- Last night didn't start out promisingly, but turned out okay. L stayed the night with my in-laws because S had to work today (somewhat last-minute). I dropped L off at the in-laws after a grocery pickup and going to the library. S was out of sorts because, it turned out, he's strained his left tensor fascia latae or maybe his vastus lateralis going up and down lots of stairs. We ended up watching Lisa Frankenstein which was great. I wish I could remember my dreams. 

- I imagine my inner therapist as looking like Julianne Moore. What does yours look like?

- Time to clean the last few bits of the downstairs before getting ready to take L to a birthday party. I got a copy of Crazy Rich Asians to read over the week off/while I'm waiting for her to get done with the party. I guess I could go work out at the Y too. Hm. Maybe I will 🤣

- In the meantime I'll probably be listening to this, this, and this. Join me *beckons*.

Yes, this is pretty much how my inner monologue works.

Internal Therapist (IT): So. How do you feel now that all that's done?

Me: Okay, I guess? It feels unreal that it's over. That I get to rest today. That I did rest today. That I have a minute to breathe and maybe exert agency over my environment, you know? Weird.

IT: That sounds hard - like a lot's changed in the past four months.

Me: Oh, yeah. For sure. Not as much as could have, I guess....

IT: What do you mean?

Me: I'm sometimes surprised that I'm still...here, I guess? Maybe I thought more would change? But I'm still here, you know. Time's still slipping by.

IT: What did you think would be different?

Me: Well, they - everybody in my program, right? - said that this semester would be the most difficult. And it was so fucking hard. But then, everything is so fucking hard for me, right? And just...I don't know. I guess I thought maybe S would lose his mind more than he did (and, I mean, he did at certain times and in certain ways) but....

IT: Were you maybe hoping for some bigger life changes?

Me: ...yeah. I guess. But I still don't know what that would look like.

IT: And is this something that you feel like you deal with over and over?

Me: The expectation of change?

IT: Yeah. Or disappointment. Maybe those expectations being met.

Me: I guess. But I really don't like it framed like...that? It makes me feel like a bitch who nothing is good enough for. Like, I really do feel like there are expectations that I'm not meeting too, you know? And I want to be able to extend compassion to S and my parents and myself and my kid and not feel like I'm just this ungrateful teenager. When so much of my life is going pretty okay, right?

IT: Are you asking me or telling me?

Me: Telling.

IT: It's okay to have expectations. Expectations can be like this picture in your head of what you want something or some experience to be like. Everyone has that! It's not a moral judgment of some kind.

Me: It feels like it is, though. My expectation shouldn't be more important than everyone else's expectation.

IT: Well...and it's not. Everyone's expectations are the most important to them. It's not like a competition. And it can feel super dis-integrating to put someone else's expectations above your own. It's about how we compromise, the process that goes into that.

Me: Okay. But...how? How do I compromise without putting someone else's expectations above my own? Isn't that how it intrinsically works?

IT: Maybe the dialogue itself is supposed to be transformative. I know you've done a lot of boundary work in the past....

Me: Yeah.

IT: And you talked a lot about big boundaries where they weren't really necessary and inadequate ones where there really needed to be better ones.

Me: Yeah.

IT: Maybe this is one of those times where you have a big boundary standing in-between this communication piece with your spouse, coworkers, family - whatever it is - and maybe that's not the right place for it. Maybe it belongs in-between the big emotional outburst from a customer - just as an example - instead. Or in-between this snarky comment from your kid's teacher instead. You know?

Me: Yeah. That makes sense. I think it's hard, though, because I end up feeling like I'm defending my point of view, like I'm getting attacked, and then I feel even more dug into my own perspectives, if that makes sense.

IT: It does. What if we tried using boundaries a different way there? Let's research that.