- ...but I do miss my exit. 20% of the time.
- the card I pulled for today was the Ace of Cups. And BOY DID IT FUCKING DELIVER.
- The Boys are trying to teach L how to play laser tag upstairs while S is out jamming with his band-but-not-a-band.
- Lot of crying today; I keep thinking this is the final straw. No, this is. And today it was taking L without telling me while I was mowing the lawn to "teach me a lesson" all Arrested Development-style. And not thinking that this was a big a deal as it was to me. Panic. Screaming her name. Buckling her into the car. Saying, "Well, that's how fast you turn your back."
- So glad I'm charge of care-taking all of your children in a variety of settings, many of which are public. Eight years in. Great vote of confidence there, bud.
- I honestly don't know that I'll ever feel safe in this partnership. And maybe it'll never be because of anything big. But probably? I'll never feel safe. And it will accumulate over time. And then...*sound of implosion*. Because nothing [clap emoji] will be able to change [clap emoji] until he [clap emoji] goes to therapy [clap emoji] and also [clap emoji] we go [clap emoji] to therapy [clap emoji] together [clap emoji].
- Not trying to be mean. But I don't have much patience left anymore either. And I'm very reactive.
- Several other people have shared the same concerns S has (about me) as regards "being sad when there's nothing to be sad about". Which is, I think, in actuality processing experiences after they happen because when they're happening doesn't tend to be a good time. I shake it off using a mixture of irritability, tears, and, ideally, physicality. Ranging from my parents to my significant others to, to a lesser extent, my friends.
- My mom said at one point, "You don't need to react that way. You'd think we beat you, Clara." Well. Uh.
- Sometimes I wonder if I have FASD. I was a surprise baby. Maybe. And my mom talks about how she carried a corkscrew around in her purse.
- Anyway. It was the first beautiful day of the year. And it was a Saturday. Who can argue with that?
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