The show last night was the MOST fun. Periodt. I did a Camilla the chicken piece that was pretty 🔥 I think you would have liked it.
There was also a Baywatch number that was hilarious, and a lot of rockabilly vibes. I just…sometimes I feel like my life is pretty amazing.
And other times, of course the physical pressure of CPTSD is truly crushing.
But today the sun’s finally out and, although I can tell the chemicals in my body feel like dopamine crash, it was pretty lovely last night.
I have the kids at the jump park to give S a break. There’s a girl who’s just hermit-crabbed up in one of the block pits and just pops out to throw blocks at anyone who enters her lair. I wonder how long she’s been there.
"It happens so fast / then it happens forever"
It would be nice to say that adjusting x, y, or z of my behaviors, practices, ingested chemicals is helpful. But there are times - every day! When my brain just...sucks. And my choices just...suck. And I yell. And we've been working on it in therapy so so much. And just...how much will be enough? Of the right things to do? To manage myself?
Maybe we go back on SSRIs. I should have health insurance again soon. But blah blah blah that doesn't solve the problem it just turns the volume down.
But honey, maybe that's necessary now.
I maybe have a lot of sadness and anger, but I don't want it to traumatize the people around me. Right?
It does leak out. Or explode out. Or.
Dude, last night Leels took my face in her tiny hand and said, "Look at me. It's not your fault. You just need to be nice." And then said that I needed sleep so I wouldn't be a grouchy mommy in the morning. And then that being a good mommy meant that I needed to listen to my daughter and do all the things she tells me to do and take her all the places she wants to go so she can be happy 🙄
So there's some variability there, but point being: it's not cool that she feels like these are things she needs to tell me. I've never intended to make my kids responsible for my feelings. So that sucks.
Medication: a solid probably, and more frequent therapy.
And drink water. And journal. And exercise. And eat a food group. And get sleep. And connect with people. And no not like that uh-oh you're going to melt down.
We're going to go hike the butte in Palmer today, so that's something. Endorphins. Getting in the nature.
And so far making little feints at doing the Scorch app have been as okay as it's ever been!
We went rock climbing yesterday, so I got to feel adrenaline, endorphins, and nice memories of rock climbing with N. The new rock gym location is much better than the old one as far as getting beer at Moose's Tooth afterwards.
Hope he's doing well. He was the most patient man I think I've ever met. And that's saying something.
So...why. Why did you yell last night when everyone was having fun in the backyard, Clara?
Well, I don't really have an elevator pitch prepared seeing as how I've just woken up, and you walked away from me immediately after asking which leads me to believe you asked just for dramatic effect.
But the question does warrant examination.
Why:
- It was fucking 11:00 PM
- I was trying to go to sleep
- This is a big one; I am hella done son, if I'm trying to go to sleep. It's not cute and I very rarely do sex at night anymore because of the adrenaline involved. I also very rarely truck with "one more snack" "where's my water" type stuff because I am tired.
- The accumulation of annoyances of the day
- There's a range of stuff in this subcategory. Things like being so very done with the teen and preteen and small child shenanigans of the day. Screeching at each other, wrestling on the floor in the Rocky Gym while I am trying to fill out waivers of questionable legality for M and N and just generally them being a MadTV sketch, then finding random chalk bags that belonged to other people, smearing it on their faces in a way that is culturally very not acceptable, then, after being alerted to the fact that the chalk belonged to other people, pinching small chunks of chalk up off the crash pads and crushing those to continue painting their faces with chalk, then wrestling each other up the stairs, then S not being home until late because of work stuff that entailed tracking down homeless persons who bolt cut the lock on a trailer and stole some goods from therein and - well, you get the gist.
- The anticipation of annoyances of this, current, morning
- These are the most fun because they haven't happened yet! Will they sleep in until way very late resulting in my feeling crabby because, although I enjoy the quiet of the morning (I get to do stuff like this! Important! Fun!) there's the inevitable drama over What's For Breakfast and Getting Out of the House in the Morning and I have some Baggage about all of that. And also guilt! And ambivalence! I am Our Lady of Ambivalence at the best of times. Which might be now, come to think of it.
- The psychodrama of L and N and M and S and myself
- Look, listen. You got pissy with M last night because he was "stomping around" and you didn't want that to disturb my and L's sleep, and also had them turn of their phones and try to go to sleep at 10:30 PM but now, all of a sudden, it's fine to be running around the backyard screaming at 11:00 PM. On, again, a weeknight. Prior to that it was all, "Oh, no. L has to go to sleep. It's late." and then, after she whinged a bit, it was all, "...fine. She can come out too." And in between those two times M's strategy to get L to go to her bedroom and go to sleep was to carry and wrestle her up the stairs which is, like, not the most soothing thing.
- It was fucking Wednesday night and I had been given to understand that one of us needed to work in the morning
- Inconsistencies that are no crime but also are not not annoying
- See the psychodrama above.
*sigh*
So. That was a bad decision. And I regret it. Not the message per se. But it's one of those things: if you yell your message, then it's going to be lost because people are just going to be scared that you yelled.
I apologized to L. I'll apologize to the boys this morning when they wake up.
I should have just asked them to be a little bit quieter and left it at that.
The biggest why is: I don't know, it's probably complicated. The above stuff? Circumstantial. My system throws up experiential stuff, epigenetic stuff, and everything's just kind of in a centrifuge right now - especially with my parents living two doors down. The kids can't understand that.
It fucking sucks for them.
*sigh*
"The birds they sang with the break of day / start again I heard them say"
No comments:
Post a Comment