I found journal entries from 2014. And I want to reuse the notebook because I am thrifty like that, but I also want to hang onto the thoughts because I am clingy like that.
So, here we go. Digitizing, then throwing away the pages. Throwback series incoming:
10/18/2014
Hey. So. Another year's passed with no word from you. I'm doing this instead. Because hope is a treacherous bitch and I'm having real trouble connecting with people. And, well, if I can't get past it I need to find a way to live with it.
Maybe this can be living with it? I don't know. It's worth trying.
So I quit Pulse. Seven months ago now. Jesus. What a tedious dramatic thing to have done. But I'm happier now. I'm performing in Rocky Horror with a different company - an arts collective. And that's something I'm happier about around Wednesdays. I dance 3-4 shows a weekend depending on the weekend.
Exhausting. Sometimes I toy with the idea of losing 20 pounds, lying about my age and auditioning for cruise ships. The ultimate detox. No internet. No cell phones. Just...being there for six months. Eating. Sleeping. Performing. Exercising. Journaling.
I don't know, though. Might not be the right type of energy to be expending. Performing so much is such a lot of out.
Preschool is such a a lot of out.
But I get restless when I'm not dancing. Maybe exhaustion is not so bad.
I've rekindled my library card. Read Planet of the Apes. It was horrifyingly sexist and species-ist. Nice to have read only for the sake of discovering what the movies were based on. Am now re-reading Norwegian Wood. Next a book of Flannery O'Connor short stories.
Have been watching American Horror Story. There's something oddly soothing about the way it explores horror themes. Just so...campy. Very little is actually scary.
Maybe it's just that my capacity for shock is worn out. Some bullshit with chemicals and receptors.
I think the reason why Norwegian Wood was you. I connect Watanabe with you very strongly, but don't know why and don't remember why I loved the book so much in the first place.
We're moving again. My roommate, Alyssa, is moving to Seattle, I think, in a few weeks. She's becoming a travel nurse and going through what I guess I'm going to call a quarter-life crisis. Jesus, when will it end? I'm still going through mine.
We're moving closer to downtown. Closer to Scott's job. Maybe a little closer maybe the same for my job. Cheaper, more suitable place. When will that end? So much moving.
It's all very bad timing. Smack dab in the middle of Rocky so I can help very little. No good saying "make time". The time simply is not there. And when it is, I'm exhausted.
So much to do for work. So much energy for Rocky which technically I will get paid for - so also work? Modeling has been frequent lately too. Ugh I wish I had more exciting stuff to tell you. I lie.
I'm just happy I can tell you.
These things take practice and I'm out of practice.
Yours,
Clara
10/22/2014
I was lying in Savasana and trying to let go. One is not supposed to think in Savasana. But I do. Because...I can, I guess. But thinking how backwards things are. Scott's been out of town for three days and I've...really liked it. He's stuck in Bethel for two more days and I'm not sad about it. I'm not sympathetic to his worries about brown water.
I mean...that happened at the house (in Texas, growing up) all the time. Wait 'til it runs clear, then drink it. Or buy bottled. Or iodine pills. Terrible lack of sympathy. It's terrible. I'm so cold.
But. It's been, like pretending I'm single again. Or living alone at least. And I think I like it. I'm a little more irritable at work, but that may be a fluke, not as a result.
Anyway, I was thinking how I would move to Mississippi now. And how backwards my last few years have been, then. Timing and insecurity. Timing and insecurity. I can say that because I'm not really writing you. Pretend.
OMG. May it please, PLEASE, help.
So. Uh.
I registered with UAA. I think? I need to pay them but they never asked for my credit card information. Means I will have to go down to Admissions and sit around a bit next Wednesday. They only way to get things managed in a digital society is to sit around and be physically present until your problem is resolved. People ignore your email, but ignoring your body is quite hard.
Rocky is being.... /eyeroll
On Monday they asked if Wednesday and Thursday we could perform for some fundraisers. Love the thought. Don't love the last-minute-ness. I plan my life out at least a month in advance. There are some exceptions, but.... Some frustration. Irritation. Imaginary conversations in my truck.
Have made great strides packing. Am a little sad that it's true (has been since childhood and is still) that if you leave me the fuck alone I can get great things done.
...and that's all for now. Watching anime. Thinking about Great Teacher Onizuka. And missing you.
- Clara
No comments:
Post a Comment