Just For Today

I couldn't tell you what the deal is today, just that there is one. A small recurring theme of the past five days has been stress + hormones + anxiety + S = meltdown/crying (usually in a restaurant). This morning so much so that I ended up calling the crisis hotline for the first time in my life. And I don't necessarily think that's a reflection on things being So Bad, more that I just absolutely wouldn't have permitted myself to ask for help in times past. But I'm allowed to. And so are you. We're allowed to.

And yes, okay, early morning was pretty good, but after that and for the above reasons, today is just...shot, pretty much. I'm trying to tease out what my part in all this is, and I think it's that I dysregulate so quickly. There's also the piece where if I am stressed it's important to me that S not add to the stress, which is inevitably what happens even when not meant. Blarg. Well. At least all this is probably good in terms of getting me primed to play the Wild Card role in the practicum this afternoon. *sigh*

• 1 missing item report filed for Disneyland
• 1.5 lectures watched
• .25 of the nursery tidied (sort of)
• 1 OB appointment attended (with S)
• 1 pickup order completed
• 1 lunch with S
• 1 meltdown in the car
• 1 brief conversation with a person on the crisis hotline

To do:

• call my insurance to see what hospital they want me to use even though there are only two options in town anyway because the front desk was hassling me about it 🤷
• chip away at my home administration to-do list because I have just enough executive function to do that; but I can't write coherently and feel too shit to listen to lectures while doing chores 🤷
• try to study for the NBCOT

Things I fucking hate, but it's just the way it is/the stress list:

• L will not be going to any summer camps this year because I will definitely not be able to send her and it's not a priority for S; I haven't told her yet because I feel like shit about it; but bad news doesn't age well, amirite?
• I don't think there's a way to cobra my benefits to extend through the summer and even if there were there's no way to add my dependents to my current insurance and S can't or won't apply for insurance through his job; and he makes too much money for us (me and the kids) to qualify for medicaid (if that's even still a thing); and also he won't send me his pay stubs, so I can't, like, followup with any government agencies or anything.
• I keep getting well-meaning referrals and ideas about places to go for mental health support when what I probably need is someone sitting next to me and doing it with me or for me - which isn't a cute look when you're 40 later this year but it is what it is.
• Handouts. Please stop giving me brochures and handouts. It's just doomed from the start and I can't know how to organize any more handouts.
• I probably will have to cancel going to graduation, and probably because of budgeting for postnatal doctor's visits for H due to all of the above nonsense with insurance.
• Post-partum wasn't easy the first time and it's not really looking any better this time around. At least, I don't feel that way today. Maybe tomorrow things will look better.

Things will be okay. Things are better than they have been.