My energy, though it hasn't been "in whack" per se for years, is officially "out of whack" as of yesterday. Wiggedy whack. Around 3:00 PM I just hit a wall and subsequently stayed at Site One for another 2.5 hours because I had to. Following that I crawled home and laid down until basically this morning. Woke up around 5:00 AM, had some coffee, and remembered that I have a big, scary, pre-test due tomorrow that if I do not achieve at least a certain score on I will have to pay re-take. And if I don't pass that one, I will not graduate. Ah, yes. There's the stress response that drives me (you? Us all?).
There's this function that's kind of like a filter and kind of like tunnel vision that kicks in at times of extra fatigue which means I can only perceive one task at a time. Yesterday that manifested in not responding to an extremely kind text message for 8 hours. *sigh*
What if...I really honed-in and tried to take the focus from longer term to short term. Like, moment-by-moment, maybe? And considered the things I am doing and saying and whether these are in alignment with my actual values. One part of me really thinks that could go some way towards reducing moral injury (a concept I don't remember hearing about prior to yesterday). Another part of me thinks that's well and good, but you forget shit on the daily already and it doesn't seem super-likely that this strategy will go any way towards...making that better. You know what? There are way more than two wolves inside me.
Anyway. Some things lately of neutral provenance:
- Doing tarot pulls for if I do versus don't go to graduation, and the cards being kind of...unhelpful. Cards: "If you do go, then you will experience the high of celebration and the crash of being unable to focus on anything but the parts of the decision you regret. If you don't go, you will be resentful of the fact and feel constrained by life circumstance as per the usual." Y-yeah. I know. That's just, like, how my brain works. I could have told you all that. ...you got any actual clarity for me, or...? Perhaps there is some secret third option.
- No fear of hitting hours this week due to being at Site One for an extra day. Things are pretty much set up for next week group and 1:1 session-wise, so I just have to figure out the last week. I also have to determine how Site One wants their toolbox set up. Site Two's is kind of already in-process of getting set up, so that's fine. But otherwise I need to finish (not in order of priority) an interview synthesis, grading for two things, an abstract, a poster, and a Sway portfolio. Oh, and I guess feedback forms for two...three sites?
- Just trying to keep this total unicorn of a person in mind while I'm here in the home stretch. Also it's not a home stretch. It's an infinite series of innings! If I know anything about baseball. Which I don't. Unless that metaphor is about racing. You know what? I'm not looking it up. Because not only do I not know anything about baseball, I also know nothing about racing. Uh...here's a song about that.
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