Written 7/14:
My fieldwork educator (A) sent me a text last night, late, and I was hyper-activated (up my own butt) about getting L ready for camp and the Sunday night scaries, etc. and took it to mean that we were going to be cooking a-GAIN for a session today. That was not at all what she meant and she very gracefully accepted my nonsense and we had a very nice session with a different kid for whom that plan made a lot more sense and I just felt like Gaia's Silliest goose. If I had only stopped to look at and comprehend the time she'd mentioned in the text (and dug my way backwards, up and out of my own butt) then everything would have been fine. Yeesh.
Anyway. How are you? I'm good (see above). Actually, no, I've been sick for the past week but things seem to be settling down on that front. Buproprion seems to continue to be an alright fit for me; I'm not getting as much done as I was hoping and I keep forgetting things but not to The Extent I was on SSRIs so. Win? And anxiety isn't a consistent problem despite being on nearly full-time fieldwork. I keep thinking that the rubber is going to meet the road and I am going to crash out and burn, but instead I max out at moderate annoyance.
Trying to keep 20 preschoolers' attention at circle time remains the hardest thing I've ever done. Except giving birth maybe. And the living hell of May 2023-April 2025. I was reading something on Reddit (naturally) in which the author made an infographic of their life over the past 7 years and enough bad things happened in it that COVD didn't even make the cut. So. There you go!
Speaking of anxiety (well, two paragraphs ago. Hush!), I put my name in the hat to perform for a show in September for fun. Not that I'm really capable of fun, but you know what I mean. And I get told yes and it's a show in which I am both expected to and expecting to sing. This isn't any huge whoop; I'm not an amazing singer, but I'm a pretty competent performer and I can make with the jazzy and the shimmies and I've been practicing little numbers from A Chorus Line and Hamilton in the car while driving about, and think things will be mostly fine! However, my anxiety is on my case because there was a mass email sent out from the director the company addressing some housekeeping things. Things like, "if you use a communal pasty take the tape of the back, ya filthy animals" and "we're not fixing to let you be all nonsense with your demands at the 11th hour in tech rehearsal; put your mands in your tech notes like a decent person", but the last thing was "the director gets to cast the show stop fussing about who's cast in what. KISSES." and I can't help think that it's because they're letting me sing. Because I'm not an amazing singer and only perform, like, twice a year. And I'm old. And who is that grown-ass lady, anyway? On the plus side judging by the cast list I will get to see someone amazing perform "Sexy" from Mean Girls: The Musical and their version is *salt bae's kiss*.
Hm. What else? It's dreary again. There's some sort of timeshare with the sun going on right now the terms of which appear to be day-on-day-off.
I'm working my way (back to you babe) back up to consecutive days at the gym again which has been nice. I missed endorphins and watching age-appropriate vaguely trashy television on my phone whilst averting mine eyes from the televisions playing news because ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I think it must be one of the adultiest of games adults play with themselves. I can only watch Partner Track while at the gym! And you know what? It isn't even that good, but I kind of want to see what happens because: Korean-American Ally McBeal.
I get into all these fights in my head about Ingrid, the main character.
Me: Would you be judging her so much if she were a man?
Also Me: Yes!
M: Oh? So you're telling me this isn't internalized misogyny?
AM: It might be, but also I think it's just that I (and most women) have been socialized to Be Good so it feels really icky to see a female character who...isn't.
M: My bestie in Gilgamesh, is that not the same thing?
AM: No? Yes? GODDAMMIT.
...and so on.
I've been getting most of my news from John Oliver, as always, and Michelle Wolf's Thought Box podcast. NPR hasn't always been cutting to the goddamn chase in the mornings, so it's nice to get a lil' update on whatever bullshit is happening from an expatriate who has the wherewithal to monitor it closely. For instance, I had no idea that in addition to Everything Else, whatshisface called the Prime Minister of Japan Mr. Japan (allegedly allegedly but still) because he couldn't remember his name. *sigh*
We went to a birthday part on Sunday that L was invited to by someone she didn't even have in the same class; didn't even go to kindergarten with.... IDK. I like the family fine and like the kid fine. No complaints there. And Sunday lived up to its name, actually. Beautiful, aggressively sunny day. Kind of reminiscent of what the fourth of July was like here this year. And I kept thinking that I love Alaska. But not...the country, so much? If that makes sense?
And I probably only love Alaska for its beauty and history and because it is right here and visceral - not so much the abstract concept. I do not love Senator Murkowski's decision about the BBB and, newsflash, nobody does really. But anyway. We'll see what...happens. All my people in Texas are far away from floods. I didn't know where else to put that sentence.
Just media nothing else:
The Phoenician Scheme: Yes. Loved it! Against my better judgement, even.
K-Pop Demon Hunters: The songs live rent-free in my head and the intergenerational trauma subtext is actually supertext. It's fine!
The House On Watch Hill: I'm only four chapters in, but it's a light read and, occasionally, a lithe read. Wink.
Another Period: I'm rewatching this when I'm not watching the lawyer drama, and it's not...lol funny, but it is a good fit for me and I'm enjoying watching it sober a lot more than I did when I was drinking. Michael Ian Black's best work imo.
Partner Track: Awful. Just awful. *presses next episode button*
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