I'm going to go help out at a boxing class for individuals with Parkinson's disease today and catching up on lectures; otherwise I don't feel very...real, I guess? Two emails, unanswered. One text, unanswered. An order for a drink in a for-here cup was filled in a to-go cup. And all of that feels...normal. Okay. Regular.
Because I'm at a near-standstill with things like trainings and assignments, I think it's time to talk about some things I've been mulling over:
1) I am angry about being perceived as having had an emotional affair. ...but according to numerous Youtube videos I did! And, there are confounding factors. What are these confounding factors, you might ask (you might not. But you might!)?
a. The persistent limerence that goes along with ADHD, Autism, and BPD. Almost no matter which
one or combination of these conditions that I have, this is going to be a factor.
b. Look, my husband was not in a good place - with me. Towards me. Around me. As a person. And it's all very well to say, "You should be going to only your spouse with your hopes and dreams and feelings and and and...". But what if they're not a safe space, guys? What then?
c. [EDIT: added 5/15/25] Also, the person in question was a friend beforehand. A friend from before? A close friend, and I was friends with them during numerous relationships and at no point was it a problem in any of those. I do get that it's a problem for my husband for various reasons that are personal to him, and those are reasons that we can't seem to move beyond because there is simply a point at which I am burnt out on it and tired of having conversations (arguing) about it, because para me I did not do anything wrong except for not telling him about taking up the friendship again. He has narratives about most if not all of the women in his life in which they cheat on him, try to control him, are dismissive, are abusive and while I'm sure the formative events were accurate I think they shaped the rest of his perceptions in a way that it's difficult for any women in his life to be Enough and it's hyper-difficult for his wives to Be Their Own People without this being threatening in some way. So it's easier to be all like, "You are an adulterer." rather than "This is complex situation and people of diverse genders can be friends with one another, but I am having a big reaction to this particular situation I need you to put it down for now while I process." So, in conclusion, about this situation I am two things simultaneously: burnt out and sympathetic. But not at the expense of my own, deeply-held beliefs. Which are that I am "allowed" to be friends with whoever I want; if it's threatening to a relationship that is because of foundational insecurity not because one or both of the partners are exercising free will in this way. Okay. Edit concluded.
And (this is not a confounding factor, just facts no printer) I bristle at the idea that one person is supposed to satisfy all the needs. I double bristle at the idea that friendships should not be intimate. Some aren't, this is true. But for all of them to be the same level? That's a trash perspective. Am I defensive about it? Yes, yes I am. But sometimes I am defensive because I am tired of feeling attacked and tired of having the same, nonproductive, conversations over and over again.
2) Here's another one (the following stuff happened recently - after I wrote most of the above, as a matter of fact! Saturday, May 3, 2025 starting at 7:00 AM if we're being specific) - no matter what I do in this situation I am, in fact, fucked. S got up before I did on Saturday and said he would take L out to breakfast to let me sleep some more. Which is very nice! But, of course, with noise and activity going on in and around the room I started to wake up anyway. So I start looking at my phone off-and-on. Just looking at notifications (none of which were from real people, btw) and I thought of something I wanted to google. Does it hurt when you ovulate? The answer is: "It depends"! But yes, probably. S enters the room and I shut my phone off and put it down next to me because, to my mind, I'm supposed to be sleeping, not googling about my ovaries. He perceives this as being "sneaky" and demands to look at my phone. He goes through my texts and finds a text thread that's been going with one of L's school friend's parents. The problems with this thread were that there were "too many texts" even though each and every one was strictly parent-parent-coordination stuff and that the parent was male. And I was texting him while S was out of town (???? because this is...when the coordination stuff just happened to fall?) and the texts stopped on April 27th (which is when S came back into town, I guess? This is something I'd have to look up, though, because I am a goldfish about time). I instantly got extremely angry because: what the fuck. The whole thing is giving exactly the controlling and gatekeeping I grew up with and experienced in college. In some ways, potentially, worse, because when I presented the situation to my parents even my dad was like, "He needs to give you more grace." Which, even considering the paternalistic nature of this comment, seems to mean he's not on S's side in this. We eventually got to a better place in all of this, but I still feel like this is something I one hundred percent anticipated. Which sucks. Sucks being right.
...and I'm still kind of angry. I get why this is an issue for him. And he explained it again (his mother, his past relationships, his last wife - although I don't exactly trust his perception of this particular piece given our history together?). And he hasn't worked on this shit up to the last two months in the entire ten years we've been together. I can understand why he has issues with jealousy, and this isn't a way in which I think I've failed him. In none of my previous relationships has having a friendship with men been an issue. Just this one! And as per our previous conversations I was not (in the situation with the classmate's parent) "trying to make male friends". I was just trying to coordinate fucking playdates and help out with Mini-Courses for L's school. Where we landed was just...the same conversation. Again.
I didn't really respond to his texts the way I wanted to. I used an AI tool to respond to his text because I can't...even. It doesn't seem as though I'm being heard. So why continue to try? Or, if I am, he's just sinking so much time and repetition into changing my mind. Specifically, he wants me to feel/believe I've done something wrong. And while I am open to the idea that I need to take responsibility for the things I've done wrong...these just aren't among those things.
*sigh* Cooking class tonight. Hopefully that'll be fun!
In other news, malasadas are lit! You should try them sometime.
I think I was hoping to have something more substantial to say today, but I am tired of the inside of my head. More trainings, more neuro-occupation lecture catchup, more Audre Lorde.
"If I didn’t define myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive." - Audre Lorde
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