Working Title

Holiday Things
Mother's day is over the verdict being that it was...mid! Not bad, not good, just mid. It was nice going to the Unitarian Church on Mother's Day. There was a sermon by a woman who was frank about her relationship with her children (estranged oldest; two younger children she's still on good terms with) and passed the mic around the congregation to share about their relationships with their mothers. But I especially loved it because she talked about motherhood as potentially being an iteration of the maiden/mother/crone cycle of Paganism. I cry at the drop of a hat these days, so speaking on-mic wasn't really for me but S shared a bit. AA has been a good journey for him so far.

Body Things
I'm a little irritated and worried about my left humeral head. I did something (probably during the somatic dance class I've been to twice in the past two weeks - or during one of the yoga classes I've been to in the past two weeks) and now it's sitting a little bit at an anterior tilt. And I have some nerve sensation. Not pain but like...a feeling of "uh-oh; watch it!" plus more limited sensation in my left hand and arm and they're maybe cooler to the touch than they used to be? Unless they weren't? See, this is why I need to distract the Border Collie Within with Activities. I suspect my internal rotators are tight and my left rotator cuff guys need some strengthening. Plus maybe some different k-taping. I did a bit of k-taping last night but I feel like it was the wrong move and maybe I should add some scapular taping to keep those guys in line. Specifically, this (the one on the left):

Norepinephrine/dopamine-wise I have a followup with my Psych NP today and I have some stage fright about that. Will I remember about all the things she asks me? Girl, don't have stage fright. Just do the best you can (and work out twice a day; maybe not that last one). 

Parenting Things

I feel like such a shit parent what with the drama of "helping my kid with school". Like...I do get why it's hard. And how it's hard. And just...fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm not doing the best job. I don't want my kid to be sad because I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm failing. I didn't think I would be like this. I really didn't. I didn't account for the complex trauma of relationship with my partner, my parents, my in-laws, and inner child. And I want to be able to help her. And on some level I just...look. I was hyperverbal and on the verge of hyperlexic. So in that sense I do not know why the fuck anyone wouldn't want to learn how to read. Which isn't great. It's like how they make people who have really good grades in something tutors to people who have trouble understanding a concept and the tutors have a hard time bridging the gap with the people they're tutoring because they don't know how to get to where they are from where the other person is. For a variety of reasons, but you see what I'm saying, right?

But anyway (and because I Got a Time Limit, Guv'nor), L got into a K-12 Optional school that she'd been on the waitlist for since kindergarten. Remember how I was agonizing between Optional School and Chinese Immersion for kindergarten? Well, I spent last weekend agonizing between K-12 Optional School and Current Optional School and I think we're going to do the K-12. There will be downsides for sure, but...nothing that seems all that different from what we're doing now? And honestly the parental involvement in teaching my child in the morning has not been great for our relationship. K-12 has an actual SpED classroom (+) which implies to me that perhaps there will be accommodations made instead of honking on at length about how learning is personalized when, really, it isn't and, really, no modifications are made to the classroom to manage behaviors at all that I can see. (I mean like lighting, followthrough on protocols, any sensory modification whatsoever, etc.) ...or, you know, maybe not. And I'm honestly going to miss Current Optional School. It was warm and as a parent I was starting to visualize what it would be like when she got to do a play with her 5/6 grade class or do the cardboard regatta or go through the bubble arch, etc. And I will miss the Stardew Valley-esque festivals. 

And while I'll admit I never felt all that welcome there, I can also admit that this is more of a testament to my own personal nonsense than anything else. 

I hope your personal nonsense is going well...and your personal sense too!