Honestly

Most days I just want

To send you a Kate Bush meme

Or tell you about- 

EDIT 8/1/24

Or shoot the hot

Goss about Neil Gaiman with

 OMG knew it

Urgency Is In the Eye of the Beholder

•  so very close to being done with this semester; one more test and it's...done! But the other things I have to do are:
• make lunch for L
• drop L off at summer camp
• study a whole buttload
• take the test
• and then after the test a celebratory (or consolatory) yoga class and it's raining this morning so that sounds about awesome.
• trying to take care of my body here and there. It's like the spot-cleaning of self-care. Which is okay! But also I feel like I need to really get in there and deep clean.
• K found me at work the day before yesterday and we got lunch at a sandwich place which was lovely. It's hard to catch up, though, when so much has happened and most of it is a bit sad or frustrating and blah. Adult friendships are so important. And sometimes it feels like it is better to just pick up like no time has passed. But really I do want to know everything that's happened in the past almost-year. I'm nosy like that.
• went out for a drink (singular and sole) with the OT cohort last night at the distillery. It was fun! And I was sofa king tired. 
• but yesterday was also my last day at work for...I guess until whenever? I requested next week off b/c fieldwork and the following Monday b/c student association but then I just...wasn't scheduled for the following week? Part of me is like: well, maybe we just roll with it and pick up some shifts here and there and they can fix it the week after that? But another part of me is like: the unemployment rate at your house is 50% you should probably get on that right meow. And yet another part is like: third way - but definitely get your test shit done first.
• But anyway: the card of the day is Justice (eek). The watch of the day is Fleabag (can't watch that with the kids around). The audiobook of the day is My Sister's Keeper (a little belabored but pretty alright). The podcast of the day is Go Touch Grass (because I definitely need to do that). And the song of the day is I Know the End. 
• Go back to sleep - it's almost the weekend. <3 

Embarrassing: perhaps. Bare-assing: perhaps not.

Little irritated eye jumps last night when asked if I work tomorrow: yes. At 5:45. And Thursday at 4:30. Yes, you will need to drop L off at summer camp.

Like you committed to do! 🎉

But I woke up at 2:00 AM briefly (rough time estimate and he was on his phone reading…something). Maybe a draft of the letter I asked him to write. Job postings? Hard to say.

So hopefully she makes it to summer camp okay.

And hopefully we all make it through work okay today. Because yesterday was BONKERS.

All Our Yesterdays Okay Maybe Just This One

 Yesterday was fine; S sanded the deck with N using a tiny axe-type-tool as a chisel to scrape out the in-between's of the boards. It was relentlessly sunny and hot so the neighbor girl asked L to come over and play in the pool - which was very nice. I think they spent two hours? An hour-and-a-half out there? I got splashed with lots of water but it was okay. The sun dried it pretty quickly.

I worked, did a little homework, folded laundry, painted the deck, and listened to My Sister's Keeper on Spotify.

Things are more or less okay. S hooked up the air conditioner and has generally seemed...more open? Less bitter?

I ordered the Fair Play cards from Amazon.

One of the other openers has called off work this morning so I have to get going, but remind me to tell you about D sometime.

Shaving Cream Is Not It, Man.

 I truly don't think I'm right. I just think everything's a huge mess and nothing's exactly clear and lists sometimes help and sometimes don't. [I thought I could insert a table into this thing but evidently not? What else says "old" like that? I want to insert a table! A Venn diagram! A bell curve! Data, please! Maybe I'll just track the data I wanted to present in a different document and then tell you about it later. Yeah, that.]

Meanwhile:

    Hatcher's pass: I finally went there yesterday after work. I fell like typically I just wait to do things. Wait for someone to do things with. Wait for the right time to do things. Talk myself out of doing things (because discomfort or gas prices or my partner being upset because I'm Doing the Thing), but not this time. And you know what? It was fine! It wasn't all that far away. I thought it would be, but it was just about as far as Palmer. And it was beautiful. L actually loved it until it was time to go back, but that was mainly because she wanted to go hiking but brought no sensible shoes and we didn't bring extra snacks and that all made perfect sense, really. But, yeah! It was fun. We got some ice cream on the way back and made it home by 5:30-ish. If you're thinking of doing it probably do. It's totally fine, ya'll.

    Things breaking/being broken: I'm not the easiest on things. I break things pretty frequently. One of the top reasons I don't like fine jewelry is that I knock the stones out of settings like nobody's business and I feel like I've dropped all of my belongings at least once. That being said I do have affection for family items that I've come into possession of over the years (like tea sets, antique cups that belonged to my grandmother that survived the 2018 earthquake, etc.) and I do get sad when they get broken. By myself or otherwise. And just *sigh* a relative lot of things have gotten broken in the past since-Easter. A teacup that I didn't even know was broken until S said, "Oh, was that the good china? I broke one of those." after seeing me put away the rest of the cups and saucers after an Easter tea party. A cup that did survive the 2018 earthquake and was where incense lived in a mass of rice until I found it knocked over and shattered on the kitchen peninsula. A little tray that my parents brought up from Texas and I liked quite a bit. It was perfect for setting on the armrest of the couch and then a drink or something on top of that until the edge got knocked off. And honestly I know things are not the most important. And they really aren't. But I am sad. Because it feels like everything is falling apart around me. And nobody seems to know or want to say how these last two things happened. And I just get angry about that, honestly. Low-key angry, but yeah - frustrated. And then I just want to apparate to a cottage in the woods where if something is broken it's because I was a goober and knocked it over while, I don't know, dying of loneliness. *double sigh* It's just indicative of my overall mental state, I guess. 

    Doing everything around here: S has quit his job (remember? That was the last post!) and has so far vacuumed the living room, replaced a toilet seat (again; I bought the wrong kind prior because I forgot that toilets are not uniform in design; sorry, bruh) and done a few dishes. He's also been on child duty while I'm at work because: not working. And it was Monday morning when he quit. And it was Tuesday evening when he decided to bitch about "I have to do everything around here!" and I just...can't with it. Maybe that's for another time. But I assume the discrepancy is pretty obvious. Right? I don't know.

    General pettiness: I don't know why I feel the urge to line things up and assign value to them and weigh pros and cons and actually maybe it's because I feel so stuck in my own past experiences. In particular, not being allowed to see my older half-brother past age three. Wanting to be there for children, generally, but not always doing a decent job of that I, guess. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.

    Playlists from 2017: my playlist for this year is nearly 100 songs long at this point. I typically add a song whenever a kid likes it and asks for it repeatedly or whenever Sjowgren comes out with a new song, or Chappell Roan releases something that slaps or an old or new song gives me The Dopamine. My playlist from 2017 was much shorter and pretty heavy on whatever "All Songs Considered" told me to like or things I thought I could use for teaching modern dance to elementary schoolers. But it's still nice to be able to access that part of myself. That girl was trying to do a lot and not taking very good care of herself. So maybe that's just a little arrow pointing toward: do that. Take care of yourself. And be intentional. And tend your support system. If it looks a little different than it used to: that's okay.

    Aunts: One of my aunts visited from California last week (or the week before? What is time? I don't know.) and it was pretty great to see her. All my aunts live in California and they're all pretty great. They're all pretty different too. I didn't get a chance to visit with this aunt one-on-one though, and I wish I had. I hope I can scrape the attention span together long enough to message her or call her. Or, even, visit her.

Aaaaaaaand

 S quit his job. For the usual reasons. Was that 9 months? 10?

A sharp pain denotes nerve pain; a dull ache might be muscle or tendon injury

 L is having a playdate with her friend, A, at the house. They've known each other since they were babies, and are still pretty tight despite not seeing each other very often and going to different schools, etc. Lots of giggles and blaring music. Some shrieking. I'm a bit concerned about the cat.

[5 minutes later: that concern was very justified. I think they traumatized the poor cat for life. Lesson learned, I guess? For me. Probably not for them.]

I'm just tired and dull. It's raining (which is cozy) and the fire is going (which is cozy) and I'm drinking decaf coffee in comfy pants on the couch (cozy). But generally I just feel like someone cut the top off my head off and filled the cavity with concrete, or something. All the past events of my life are running together like watercolors and remember things like names or even saying complete sentences (out loud) are out of reach. Like that one Portlandia sketch. A former parent came through drive-through and I completely misremembered their oldest daughter's name. Same initial sound, wrong follow-through. And it took me until at least 7 hours later to remember that kid's name. And you know what? That kid was important to me. They all were. They all are? It's been 9 years, so I hope I get some grace for that, but still...I feel bad. I remembered the second kid's name! And the parent's name! Doesn't that count for something? *sigh* I know it doesn't.

But point being: retrieval is just really fucking hard right now. Blame it on the PMDD, I guess. And age. And saturation. And stress.  And.

Oh, speaking of - how about that thing with the tampons, right? *sighs even more deeply and orders a diva cup* Makes total sense. Totally sucks! And I'm allergic to base metals so I guess we'll see if there are any positive changes from the switch. Of course I'll probably be peri-menopausal before I see any difference. Because I've been using tampons since *checks watch* 1997. Oh, but scientists say it's fine. Well, okay, as fine as anything else, um because we are living in a microplastics/heavy metals sodden/arsenic-soaked world and silicon is derived from rocks so roll the dice, sweetheart. The Earth is all Tim Curry from Fern Gully and It Is In You. *add DivaCup to Target PickUp Order* *be sheepishly relieved when it is not in stock* *backtrack mentally* *consider going by Natural Pantry just for that tomorrow*.

Not the scaphoid

 Not my MIL tripping and falling and breaking her wrist on this the day of the geriatric Orthoses lecture *sigh* and a hundred percent trying to downplay it and barely even being able to get in the car. 

Protective posture: CHECK.
Swelling: CHECK.
FOOSH: CHECK.
Possible concussion: DID WE EVEN TELL THE DOCTORS ABOUT THIS? I WONDER. ALSO, CHECK.

I swear to Goddess. I don’t know how they (my in-laws) are functioning? I am quite concerned? There is no stool in the car and now how are we going to get in and out now?

Could we maybe not pull on her arm to get her out of chairs because that's not how you fucking do it, Broseph. And has anyone talked to you about how to fucking do it? And why do you have carpets every which where in the house when you cannot consistently lift your right foot so as to step with it.

Anyway. Happy Wednesday. And for goodness sake stay active as you age. 

To think I almost had it going/ but I let you dooooooooown 🎶

I guess there’s a moment here to blog, I should take it.

I much prefer typing, but that’s okay. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 to go to work at 4:30 but got a text that actually, no. We’d be opening at 5:30 instead. So I took my time getting ready and still managed to leave the house early. So I drove out towards Eagle River in the rain with no cars on the road. 20 minutes out 30 minute back. Half of that was listening to Hidden Brain and part trying to self-therapize because I just…haven’t been to therapy.

And if I could briefly reference the post immediately prior it would be hella nice to talk to someone about my feelings regarding all that, but….

It’s been a bit of a ballet, lately, of the zero fucks I anymore have (being as I am, 37 and having been with S for about a decade now). No, a wrestling match? I’ve been marching tones with him, with the kids…. I’m just tired. In the actual sense, but also metaphorically. 

I will shut down the conversations where I am going to be yelled at for “not asking for help I told you to ask for help” because fuck that! Aw, nar, I “wasn’t watching her actually” instead trying to finish up the housework I started earlier and the laundry that is the always struggling along and you were doing dishes at 8:30 at night (which - thank you!) and “when you get tired it’s like everything changes” and - look.

It does! I am a fucking cranky toddler when I’m tired. And at this point in the relationship I don’t respond to shame anymore (which I think is an elementary aged response? I have no reason for that. I just think it.) in the same way, it feels more teen like. But S is not good with toddlers (or kids in general) and so it doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t work to be “parented” the morning after I’ve been tired and grouchy about not being my best. My felt sense is that TRYING TO BE THE BETTER PERSON HASN’T WORKED so I’ll try for the kids but not S. 

That being said, he got upset because I let his parents know he shouldn’t be driving last night (to drop off M and S2) because he’d been drinking all day. Well maybe I should have. AND it was true? And yes! He did finish the roof after 3 months of talking about it! And that was great! And normally I probably would have said, “Oh, haha. Maybe he can! We’ll see!” But also - no. It’s a consistent thing that happens, he shouldn’t be driving people and it’s fine if he wants to do roofing with his friend while buzzed but ffs you’re not driving the teen across town. And then, he decided to compare my telling his parents he’d been day-drinking to me doing burlesque and him telling my parents about that. I suppose that’s kind of fair, and also - maybe he should? Maybe it’s comparable, maybe it’s not. I’m not sure if many fatalities have resulted from driving having just done burlesque and I would be interested in seeing the statistics on that (I DIDN’T say that during the encounter and am quite proud about that). But also I am quite sure that his parents are well aware that he drinks and I assume roughly how much. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Last bit to be fair: I drink too. Remember how I was trying to be sober this year? Yeah. *sigh* But I have been tapering down week by week (which seems to be more effective than cold turkey or x amount per day) and this coming week the number is 8. And this FASD class I’ve been taking has been helpful in putting in perspective that alcohol is harmful - full stop. And, uh, no. I don’t drink and drive. When I was younger (over 10 years ago) I made some poor decisions but that was a couple of lifetimes ago.

So. Where was I going with this? I don’t know. I ranted about it verbally yesterday. Today I’m writing it out. 

My aunt is visiting from California and might be coming over tonight so that’s my main focus, I think - getting ready for the visit and finishing off lectures before the next BIG ONE drops tomorrow.

S is going to be out of town for basically the rest of the month, so it’ll be just me and the kids. I have a complex pickup/dropoff schedule in place that everyone has agreed to, so I’ll be tired (school + working 25+ hours) but probably okay. Because hopefully I’ll be able to get enough sleep and switch everybody over to being morning people. But also: maybe I’ll be a monster! We’ll see I guess. 

I suppose he’s worried about leaving me with the kids when I seem so stressed. And, like - sure. I get that. And I know that his approach to expressing that is part of what stresses me out MORE. So. I truly don’t think that’s reassuring, but I hope it is.

*exhale on another sigh and stress-watch Crazy Ex Girlfriend while doing chores because this class isn’t one you can just put lectures on in the background for and that’s HANDS, baby*

Bruh.

 Actually our daughter was LEFT AT HOME ALONE today because: you. Thank fuck my parents love three doors down.

And NOBODY TOLD ME. Not you; not my mom.

How’m I supposed to fix my face? 

🤬